Saturday, December 25, 2010

merry christmas

every time  somebody says "merry xmas" i think "yes and a merry or rather happy rest of your life to you and yours, and everybody else in the world too".
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.

all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

i haven't been asleep (but i haven't woken up either)

some "movement" for some shift in understanding (all mind stuff with physical attributes) has occurred.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.

puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."



Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance 
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."


Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)  

what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done 
when i notice it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

just a catch up

not much is happening.  i'm still on the outside of the gateless gate.

i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)

the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.

some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.

there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

i'm still asking

i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself' 
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)

now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'

there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What is it that is keeping you from waking up ?

Ask yourself "What is it that is keeping me from waking up ?" Jan Frazier

She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)

i   asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

you are already at your destination

Buddha said:  'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.'  There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."

Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate

Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.

Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit!

There is awareness here now. Let everything be as it is, and stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit! Let it be. This is absolute liberation. Stephen Wingate


Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me. 
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.


i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Your default setting


Your default setting is wisdom and peace. 
The only thing that ever covers over your experience of spaciousness and peace, in any moment, is believed thought. Vince Flammini

language and ownership

Looking closely reveals that the "my" is tacked on after the thought or feeling arises.  It's not really "my" thought or feeling, it's just thoughts and feelings.  It's unbelievable what a difference there is between "I am miserable" and "sensations of misery are present here."  Without the automatic, unconscious ownership of mind stuff, it becomes quite benign.











Friday, October 15, 2010

i had a relationship then i didn't...

a friend of mine (is that a relationship?) recently ceased having a romantic relationship.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.


There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?

Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....

summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.

"am" is...

the sounds of frogs are still there.
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010

Relaxing back into the hammock of Being.

living the life of accepting responsibility for what occurs, being relaxed and welcoming to every situation and there seems to be a supporting bed of knowing vaguely in the background.

what is, already is.
so may as well accept it.
watching it is best.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

This is probably the best description of .... that i have read yet.

There Is No Experience Of Pure Awareness
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Find what "I" is pointing to.

Find what “I” is pointing to. It resolves everything. I can’t tell you how to do it. You just have to look. Annette Nibley

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Gradually, you’ll stop listening,

you will remember that when the mind beckons and you follow, you lose. Gradually, you’ll stop listening, and that is freedom. Annette Nibley

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

If "feeling like a person" is arising...

If "feeling like a person" is arising, so be it. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean that there IS a separate person. Feelings arise, just like everything else, and have no more "truth" in them than the blackberry bush, for example. Mary McGovern


There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)


Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Oneness is ALL (and none)

There is no way to "leave" or be "other than" WHAT IS. Mary McGovern


This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing. 
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)


i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too


Monday, October 4, 2010

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?
Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?

Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.
Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.
So, was i strengthening the story of me ? 
Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)
Was it also something else ?
Yes, but i'm not sure just what.


It was happening and that means just that. It was happening. 


please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.

you're not doing it.

Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done; 
the key is: you're not doing it.  Suzanne Foxton


i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'. 
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening. 


it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.



Saturday, October 2, 2010

nothing exists except life wanting to be

Nothing exists except life wanting to be. Suzanne Foxton

the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...

appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.

Friday, October 1, 2010

doing effortless doing ???

Self shining presence-awareness is not the result of effort. Bob Adamson

Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.

what's the doing you do 
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

a subtle-yet-undeniable peace

If your pause is relaxed and significant enough, you will immediately discern a subtle-yet-undeniable peace and spaciousness from which manifest-existence arises.  Rodney Stevens


Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)


a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness

coming home...

Some equanimity has returned... the going with 'the flow' is back today. A sense of peace but also some excitement to be 'on the verge'.
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)


not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high

another day and still seeking

Another day and with the main focus on this mind and this identity but still trapped in duality. As the mood swings down it seems harder to 'just flow'.
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.

tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

ha! it's still there...

after a phone call to my mum this morning (she is sick and lonely and 1500km from where i am) frustration expressed itself as anger (towards her and my brother)
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.


knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace

Monday, September 27, 2010

yesterday at Bobs

i went back to Bobs yesterday for the Sunday meeting. i wasn't going to go, but after attending a computer market i found myself half way there and at the right time. No decision - circumstances said go. So i did.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really  good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.

i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)


when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

awake in the night

i woke sometime in the night, happy to contemplate beingness.
i composed a haiku, believing i would remember it this morning.
now i can't.

This brings up the question for me 'what is remembering?'
the word implies to rejoin a severed member (limb)
to bring it back into memory. to make it a present thought. to massage the mind.
Knowing that it is somewhere but not in the conscious mind opens up the mind to awareness of not mind. Hmm...
is it in unconscious mind or is it further, deeper... ?


pull it from a dream
knowing it was there but not
re-membering it

Saturday, September 25, 2010

honesty

Perhaps you understand this intellectually, but are
unable to use it. If this is the case, you may not be
looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, or with a deep
enough desire to let go of your limitations. Lester Levenson



i'm sure the desire is there (although this mind could fool me here too)
 so can only assume that this mind is fooling with the truth or honesty.
maybe going back to the original enquiry "who am i?" and check for honesty.

desire for the truth
honestly facing ego
should open me up

Friday, September 24, 2010

Being consciously aware of being conscious while the various activities of mind go on is a key element. Gilbert Schultz

this mind experiences being conscious of itself about 50% of the time. The rest of the time it is 'lost' in the content of itself.

Once you know who you are you cease to believe in who you currently think you are and you will then be dealing in reality. And, then your whole understanding will re-align itself in truth, instead of illusion. Roy Townsend

i must be still believing some reality to the i that i thought i was.The one i thought i had seen through. i really believe that i don't know who i am. That this mind is capable of fooling itself into believing anything (probably a survival technique)
But still only vague impressions of reality. (indeed my mind could  be feeding these to me to keep me quiet)


here, lost, who am i?
am i the i that i think?
clearly not, you fool!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

no longer seeking

interestingly Bob referred to those 'self realised' people as those that were no longer seeking.
Well, although i am not 'self realised', i am no longer seeking. The meeting tonight left me with the distinct impression that there are no more questions i need to ask.
Now it's just the interesting game of continuing to do what is in front of me while noticing the old habits of emotional reaction as they arise.
i am content to reside in the 'now' of events.
i may or may not get 'cooked' but it is out of my control. I am willing, i am hopeful, i am accepting of whatever eventuates. If nothing changes from where i currently am, then life is still very good.

here, now, life is good.
come springtime and knowing is,
i'll still chop the wood.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

portals

Emptiness can never be emptied of emptiness, nor can it be filled by emptiness. With that concept cancelled out, only the wordless thoughtless indescribable emptiness remains. Sailor Bob
I think that this is a portal.
My mind turns inside out trying to encompass this one. The fullness (excuse the pun) or completeness of this concept overflows to beyond concept. It's a touch more than reason.
Mark (last night at Sailor Bobs) touched on another portal for me.
(if i can drag it back from it's dream like place) He mentioned acceptance and the fact that (although acceptance is not the issue and is part of duality) acceptance can only be (exist) on the canvas of awareness. (my paraphrase)
or the image of acceptance can only be in the mirror of knowing.
Trust the knowing is there. Now relax and it will show itself through the fog of thoughts.


how easily i
tumble into the vortex
of thought. Just watch it.

the subtlety

The subtlety of the space between thoughts...
the fragility of the mindless place...
the narrowness of the portal to emptiness...
the fullness of the heart welcoming...
the inclusion of the gathering in of vital energy...
the collection of the focus of calmness...

the letting of 'what is' just be...

abide in peacefulness.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

thoughts arising

i woke up this morning seeing thoughts arising.
It didn't continue with that clarity, though it did continue sometime in the background and sometime in the foreground.


thoughts rise, reaction.
then observation occurs
now humour is here.

acceptance (more Sailor Bob)

i was going along thinking that the best not doing i could do was total acceptance of 'what is'
Then Bob said (my paraphrase) that if there is acceptance then there is also rejection. Boingg... of course.
The acceptance that is not rejection isn't pure observation. Seeing doesn't involve the value judgement of 'ok' or 'not ok'. Seeing is just seeing.

i want, i don't want
somewhere in between
awareness resides

Monday, September 20, 2010

glimpses

It's my mind that insists on proof.
have i had moments of uncovered seeing.
maybe i have had the results of this rather than this directly...
Certainly there have been times when solutions have emerged from somewhere with a flavour of wisdom.
The removal of emotion (judgement) from a reaction certainly opens it up to clearer possibilities.
Flowing fits in here somewhere. Flow requires no obstacle (resistance) Thought (that is identified with) can only be resistance.  Thought that is observed objectively as just another stimulus in the environment doesn't offer resistance.

glimpses from the verge.
is it possible to see
being or seeing?

thoughts (after reading some Sailor Bob)

Thoughts arise. Thoughts have no part in who i am. Thoughts are just a movie on the screen of this mind/body. This screen displays them as unique but nevertheless they are as incidental as the form of the  body or the shape of a rock.
Seeing without valuation (judgement), just like a camera is only possible if all thought (history) is also observed (like a thought camera) and therefore doesn't contaminate the seeing.

how automatic
the judgment of everything.
seeing it, kills it.

arrived in Melbourne

spent time explaining Advaita to nephew Josh.
That carried me somewhere.
We had watched a show on television called Life wherein they showed an event where flowers in one part of the world opened at the right time for butterflys from another part of the world to come and pollinate them. My mind blew with the recognition of the synchronicity. From that i had a sense of filaments flowing from me into the ground and somewhere else in the world those same filaments rising up into what is usually considered a separate something.

the whole everything
from nothing to completeness
connected to me

Saturday, September 18, 2010

the wonder of innocence

i'm in Sydney for my grandson's first birthday.
Seeing him without a sense of i is certainly a portal.
Oh, how i yearn for the fresh view of the world each moment brings to him....
Certainly his innocence seems like home to me. How sad that the whole world doesn't operate from such a place. That is heaven!

My eleven year old grandson, on the other hand has so lost himself in emotion that he had a fight at school and got himself suspended for some days. my compassion abounds for both of them for they have both beem home for me.

If all is being and all (things ) are an expression of being then even the smallest (experience) is so. Everything i do, think, feel, don't do, don't think, don't feel are also this. this expression i call me is simply a limited perspective of this particular expression of being.
my yearning is to open up the limited perspective to include all...

i know the grass grows
i just can't see the growing
start the lawnmower

Friday, September 17, 2010

is there an attitude that facilitates 'awakening' ?

things are flattening out a bit at the moment. Spent the morning at a funeral where it was easy to remember ...
then spent the rest of the day driving without much remembering.
Seems i need to read for inspiration. Hah!, Who need to read ? to get into an anticipatory mood ?
My mind wants a certain kind of stimulation then my body feels the right kind of excitement. To step back and see this (with my mind ) gives me (my mind) the impression of objectivity. Of course it is just a replay of what has already happened, so obviously this is also just a mind construct. Still it leaves me (my body) with the feeling of satisfaction that I am not lost in the content of thought.

When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being,
which is who we really are

Nirmala
i can DO nothing. i can try to remember that i am. no, i can welcome the remembering when it occurs. (remembering = mind awareness - little 'a' awareness. Not the Awareness of Being)
This is still the mind, BUT, maybe it's an entrance to a portal for Being ???


last night i was here
today i am here, but now
here is not here, where?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

words

21:42:22
what will come out tonight?
A yearning for silence.
The time for words is finished. Partly because they don't/ can't do it. But mostly because they seem a waste of time/effort now.
Words are the trap that keeps me identified with that mind construction called I/me.
They are still there – words. They saved me, gave me an identity when I needed it to live in the world. But now they are just vehicles. Transmitters of concepts. Good for communication (of things that language encompasses) But they are useless for anything earlier than their own birth.

Have a deep respect for the space that the body appears in. Whenever you remember, just be aware of this space. Wherever you are, space is exactly, exactly the same. There is no centre to space and no circumference either. Same with Awareness. That is why the ancients called it ‘space-like awareness’. You cannot separate awareness from space. In fact you cannot separate anything from anything else – it is ONE. 
Gilbert Schultz

I didn't remember that space much today. Working with other people makes it easy to get lost in the content of thought.
All I can do is return to cognition of that space when it occurs to me.

I am here, no-where.
I am neither I nor here.
Am is more than I.

Be-ing-ness. Am-ing-ness

23:31:59
Feeling helpless in the face of this experience is a surrender to 'what is', accepting whatever life dishes out to me, even though I know it is only a limited view of the 'seeing-knowing' that I believe is my source (everything).
Jenny told me tonight that I was behaving like a 'born again' again.(the above does sound a little religious...)

If being is everything, then every thing is part of being. But being doesn't have parts because it is everything. So, the idea of part of being is/can only be a mental construct. An idea. An illusion.

So all that exists is everything. Nothing less. Anything less is an impossibility.

I, as a separate something, cannot exist. But I do exist, so if not something separate then . . .

it's a rich spring night
in the autumn of my life
yum, seasons are great!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

drunk on something.


I got told I was behaving insensitive to others feelings and that it was religious and I was going weird again.
I was being boorish about how good life is for me. (I think I corrected someone when she said that something was terrible and I pointed out the good side of it. It would have been better to think and not say...)
I am still having some great moods, easily accepting whatever comes along seeing it all as a story of my own (minds) production.
Is patience a matter of not waiting (for future) ? Of course the obvious question here is “who is being patient. Well the obvious answer here is This concept my mind calls me that occupies so much of my attention that I can only think about Seeing.
When I look for the I (that can only think about Seeing) I (that looks) only finds thoughts with an identity called I. The I (looker)can only see the I (that is seen) if it is greater than the I (that is seen)
Seeing this should generate a doorway.
It doesn't!
So obviously I am still identified with an I of fictional nature.
Impatience is rife
Why won't the covers depart
they're off, you fool. Look

See Seek Seeker


See ker
14/09/10 23:08:00
I grok the resistance that seeking is.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state

13/09/10 21:11:09
looking at the past posts I realise that it is all mental stuff.
Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state is (perhaps) even more revealing.
A noticeable change in recent weeks (since discovering advaita) is that any emotional response from me is 'hollow', without the out of control outburst that use to be present.
Another very noticeable thing is some great moods. A sigh, “isn't the world wonderful.”
Something else is the easy acceptance of what ever situation arises.
There is a background feeling of “everything is alright”
There is a definite 'feeling' of progress, even though I know that is a mental construct.

when i create world
everything's as it should be
ha, surprise, surprise.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

my current understanding is ...

Where am I now?
12/09/10 20:01:07
my current understanding is as follows;
All that Is (Awareness/God) is all there is.
Therefore everything is an expression of this.
Like a wave is a temporary, unique expression of the ocean, this form (body) is a temporary, unique expression of All that Is. (as the actual ocean and wave are) but in the metaphor the wave can't know the completeness of the ocean, though it may “know” that it is part of something far greater than itself.
We are promised by those self-realised people that there is a “knowing” that comes with a re-cognisance of something we once knew (before we identified with a “me” story about 2yrs old). Unity or Oneness with All that Is. Not a gaining of it but a recognition of it as already existent, always present (even though dualistic language can't say it accurately)
As the present moment is the only one that can be related to in real time (the past is only memory and the future is fantasy) time is also a product of the mind. The illusion of time passing is a convenient tool for managing a life in form (especially as most other forms believe absolutely in the “reality” of time.
To dive down between the cracks of my time experience, hoping for a glimpse of direct experience is as close to not doing, but being, as this mind can conceptualise.
Oh, and labeling comes up. Well not just labeling but the value judgments that seem inherent in giving something a name.
Even to describe something is difficult without value judgments and anyway describing something is a function of memory recall and so a mental process. Observation on the other hand is seeing without the mental interference. This would be awareness? I might also see the arising of my thoughts in labeling and the associated judgments - with out judgment if seeing is direct.

Summer is coming
but all seasons are here now.
wonder-fullness, aye?

haiku

12/09/10 16:52:19
Seeing the reason,
doesn't help me to partake.
Stop looking for it!

a response to Roy's email

Is the mind aware?
11/09/10 22:45:24
This  mind (my mind) calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it occurres (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to replay a memory enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. When it is lost in the processes. 
Hmmm, maybe being (mentally) conscious (as opposed to unconscious mental activity) is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) 
Of course i am not talking about Consciousness or Awareness.

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.
My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.
No separate god, only god.
I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.
Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.
belief and acceptance
this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea
Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.
Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer (i) is also an illusion.
The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.
Yes, I understand this and also have been practising (doing) total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. It is mostly a natural/automatic thing for me now. (well about 60% of the time (?)
The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.
I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.
I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my mind processes.
The understanding comes from realising
How to realise ? When i Know that it is beyond doing.
Take a step back!
How? Mentally? ( lol )
Be careful not to make the ego the enemy
it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.
You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.
No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing (that can't be done...)
And, does awareness have any qualities,
hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.
quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?
Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.
silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.
A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )
perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

patience is the key
just watch is all i can do
come on springtime!





Saturday, September 11, 2010

Is the mind aware? 11/09/10 22:45:24 my mind calls awareness the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it all the while pretending that it is happening in real time. Being able to replay enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all. My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for. No separate god, only god. I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it. Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions. I have no trouble accepting this. … belief and acceptance this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”. Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion. The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do. Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it. I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present. I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery. The understanding comes from realising How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing. Take a step back! How? Mentally? ( lol ) Be careful not to make the ego the enemy it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions. You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it. No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...) And, does awareness have any qualities, hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality. quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside? Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic. Is the mind aware? a response to Roys email.

Is the mind aware?

11/09/10 22:45:24

this(my) mind calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to recall  enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind)

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.
My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.
No separate god, only god.
I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.
Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.
… belief and acceptance
this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea
Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.
Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion.
The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.
Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions.
The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.
I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.
I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery.
The understanding comes from realising
How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing.
Take a step back!
How? Mentally? ( lol )
Be careful not to make the ego the enemy
it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.
You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.
No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...)
And, does awareness have any qualities,
hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.
quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?
Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.
silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.
A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )
perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

last night

Where am I now?
Fri, 10 Sep 10 23:37
the dawning realization (acceptance) that this is only a knowing that occurs from time to time leaves me with a sense of disappointment and the feeling that I already have that and won't it be a bummer it the anticipated bliss doesn't happen.
Even the promise that the “knowing” will stay with me constantly (and thus save me from self punishment - resistance to what is.) is acceptable.
I see that this is the mind amusing itself with “separate entity syndrome”
I see that the anticipation is a way to generate pleasant feelings in this body, that this mind is hooked an experience of a bigger sensation.
A part of the back of my mind teasingly beckons with understanding. It says “over here is the doorway to Awareness” but I know that it also is mind amusing itself and can see that it is all the same stuff – the mind and it's a-musings and the world and all of it's forms. They are all expressions of the same energy stuff. Perhaps ordered, perhaps chaotic, perhaps scripted (though I doubt it).
Reading Sailor Bobs book Presence – Awareness – Just This leaves me with a feeling that there might be little “value” in seeing him in person but I can see that here the mind is fleeing from confrontation that he surely will bring to bear on any stupid games I am succumbing to.
Will dawn bring me peace?
Just uncover it, you dolt
it's daylight outside

Friday, September 10, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

first blog production

OK, the last post wasn't written for a blog.
These posts From the Verge arose from a prospect that a future book might point towards (?) nowhere for those who can relate to this style of communication.
It would seem that spontaneous, compressed, fearless expression might be the most helpful.
note; the use of I or i is meaningful for me.

so here goes;
where am i now?
still buzzing.
The friend who I spent the day with doing computer help (last post) asked my wife if I was a "born again" christian (or something to that effect) So he noticed the "glow"
still prone to raising the voice a bit in response to frustration, but, it is different. Seems hollow somehow. More witnessing - maybe...
had a smoke tonight - noticed the downers more. actually brought me down a bit (was still good though) I think I like the buzz of the last few days better. Similar in sensation (good feeling Sternum region - different to the feelings emanating from the same region in last post)
had moments of imagining that I was seeing(?) some space between thoughts. can't be sure. visual thoughts can seem more like spaces than verbal thoughts.
The seeing-labeling thoughts were clearly seen as i was driving to town this morning.
the impetus to write has dissipated, so i will see if i can summarize the day with a haiku...
new lawn growing there
lost again but not complete
progress(?) to nowhere?


vince (still)

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wakeup call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying my ego by wanting this?

updates from the verge (of every/no-where)

Where(?) am I now?

I have just finished a busy day with a friend helping with computer issues.
Whereas i (my mind?) has been somewhat objectively aware of it's own thinking processes and of the body's state of comfort on many instances over the past couple of weeks, today there was no awareness until a moment ago (when reactivity wasn't the primary behaviour) (maybe reactivity to mind/thought has replaced reactivity to external stimulus)
The last few days have delivered (?) some extended periods of wonderful good humour, to the extent that the sensation was almost a high.
Golf in springtime, now.
body enjoys the feeling.
Who? knows the body feeling.

This mind has an almost cocky self (?) assurance that it understands the concept (?) of observing (awareness-ing) “the world” from a perspective (place ?) of objective (non judgemental) perception.
But still, seeking beckons.
A yearning the body experiences as a physical sensation from the sternum region. Not unpleasant, but nagging.
Being born to life
in my body's autumn
wonder-full it is.

Some moments of recognition that have occurred;
To relax in the peace of acceptance.
To observe the mind tentatively thinking that it knows the “way” the “world” works.
To allow appropriate decisions/action to arise.

To teach/help/give/share
a chest bursting explosion
it must be ego.