Friday, October 28, 2011

What do i really want ?

i had an epiphany yesterday, and like a lot of really good things it almost snuck by to be forgotten.
Even though my reaction to it was Wow! Ah!  and i enthusiastically shared it with my wife (who gently waved it away as just more of my babble) here i am a day later struggling to remember the details of it.

How it happened is that i caught myself daydreaming of a time, somewhere in the future, when i would have a life where i could do what i wanted, when i wanted. i woud be contented.
It was somewhat vague, just as in a dream.
The feeling of contentment was the main feature of the fantasy.
THEN I REALISED that we already had the lifestyle i was fantasizing about but without the contentment.
That was the epiphany. That i already had it but without the contentment. Well there is contentment, but it is more a construct of mind than a feeling.
There is resistance to accepting that i already have it. It's subtle, but there it is.

waiting for Eric.

Even though i know that nobody can do it for me, (trigger enlightenment)
Even though i know that there is nothing i can do to realise it,
Anticipation sneaks around inside me.
What do i hope for when speaking to someone who is 'awake'?
i don't know, but hope exists.
When i met Sailor Bob my expectations/hopes were disappointed.
Can i try not to have expectations? Sure i can try, but if they're there, then they are there.
i don't (think i) judge them. They are just there, fluctuating from invisible to really strong. That's just habit.
My hands are giving me hell with the dermatitis. The skin on my right index finger keeps opening up in a fissure that hurts a lot. I have to keep moisturiser on all the time or the skin dries up and cracks.
What is this trying to tell me? It is big for the condition to be so demanding of my attention.
Maybe Eric will trigger some awareness of this.
The internet keeps dropping out, the rain on the caravan roof when heavy is very noisy. Not good omens for a Skype conversation. What will be, will be.

i'm waiting, wanting
hoping Eric will reveal
how i am Oneness.