Tuesday, November 9, 2010

i'm still asking

i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself' 
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)

now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'

there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.