Beliefs, resistance. Looking, looking.
A current belief is that there aren't any beliefs left. But that is too convenient. Of course there are beliefs that are required to make daily life work. (i believe i will wake up in the morning, etc.) But beliefs about a self ? To say "no", which is the first reaction, is this resistance ?
Will consider while i shower...
Anthony Amrhein asked on Facebook a few seconds ago "What are you trying to unlock or open up, exactly?"
Is this synchronistic ?
Unlock, Open up ???
First response is Jed McKennas' "Further"
Going for that shower now...
No good answers, just "further, further..."
Will sleep on it...
Woke up seemingly normally but an hour later was extremely irritable, snapping at my wife over trivial stuff.
Certainly there have been occasions since 'it' happened where the reaction to frustration has been irritability, but on those occasions it dissipated with the seeing of what was happening within minutes. This time it lasted for about an hour in spite of seeing it.
Investigation took me straight back to the stuff above.
What is this resistance to ?
What belief was/am i hanging on to ?
The first answer that arose was that i still wanted the bliss, the high that i used to believe came with Enlightenment (that's what i was seeking)
Even though there was recognition that these were only thoughts, the irritability persisted. It must be something deeper. This was just a ploy to avoid looking deeper.
Being only a week or so away from returning home from this trip, the story of what i will tell my long time (25 years) meditation buddy has happened to Vince sounds so lame.
"Oh, by the way, while i was away i 'saw' the illusion of a self."
My wife also is unimpressed. i guess she is thinking "Oh, just Vince being weird again."
This desire for something substantial to show for 'stream entry' was possibly behing this mornings hissy fit.
Keep open to deeper.
Accept that conditioning will continue for some time.