Where am I now?
the dawning realization (acceptance) that this is only a knowing that occurs from time to time leaves me with a sense of disappointment and the feeling that I already have that and won't it be a bummer it the anticipated bliss doesn't happen.
Even the promise that the “knowing” will stay with me constantly (and thus save me from self punishment - resistance to what is.) is acceptable.
I see that this is the mind amusing itself with “separate entity syndrome”
I see that the anticipation is a way to generate pleasant feelings in this body, that this mind is hooked an experience of a bigger sensation.
A part of the back of my mind teasingly beckons with understanding. It says “over here is the doorway to Awareness” but I know that it also is mind amusing itself and can see that it is all the same stuff – the mind and it's a-musings and the world and all of it's forms. They are all expressions of the same energy stuff. Perhaps ordered, perhaps chaotic, perhaps scripted (though I doubt it).
Reading Sailor Bobs book Presence – Awareness – Just This leaves me with a feeling that there might be little “value” in seeing him in person but I can see that here the mind is fleeing from confrontation that he surely will bring to bear on any stupid games I am succumbing to.
Will dawn bring me peace?
Just uncover it, you dolt
it's daylight outside