it seems to me that there IS an experience of a mind/body called i, but that for the enlightened one (pun intended) that identification with the i doesn't happen. (of course this is just conjecture - this i playing with concepts)
i wonder, am i identifying when i am lost in emotion ?
i have no sense of i then. i am the emotion, or more accurately i am the expression of the emotion. Although there is no awareness of an i while this is happening, it couldn't be said that enlightenment is. Exactly the opposite seems to be the case. (does enlightenment have an opposite ? grin...)
Something has to happen to this mind/body for enlightenment to be.
i (who ?) might not be i after the happening but i still exist except that i (who ?) won't identify with i anymore. (can some not i out there confirm that this concept has some validity - even if who (not i ) cares.
is this me called i
really not actually me
who knows, who does care
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
giving up the search
Believing that there is nothing i can DO to transcend my current state of 'awakeness' - if i stop thinking about it (hah!), will it ever 'happen'?
My mind says i have to, at least intend to 'get there'
i tell people that i live in heaven now. i have an idyllic lifestyle. live in a beautiful setting. no financial worries (modest but sustainable) happy most of the time (can't remember the last time i felt depressed, probably a couple of years ago) good relationship with wife and family, but have broken out in a skin problem that i'm sure is triggered by my unconscious mind.
Is this related to my 'search' ?
Certainly this 'condition' belies the above statement about being happy (logically)
i had this 45 years ago when i was 'trapped' in an unhappy job (in the navy)
i do believe that even if environmental influences are involved that they would only be the means whereby this mind/body expresses whatever it is experiencing.
If i turn my back on enlightenment, would it heal up ?
i guess i won't find out. (even if it did heal there is no certainty that it would be related to 'giving up'
wonderful mystery
the way things work for people
enjoy the questions.
My mind says i have to, at least intend to 'get there'
i tell people that i live in heaven now. i have an idyllic lifestyle. live in a beautiful setting. no financial worries (modest but sustainable) happy most of the time (can't remember the last time i felt depressed, probably a couple of years ago) good relationship with wife and family, but have broken out in a skin problem that i'm sure is triggered by my unconscious mind.
Is this related to my 'search' ?
Certainly this 'condition' belies the above statement about being happy (logically)
i had this 45 years ago when i was 'trapped' in an unhappy job (in the navy)
i do believe that even if environmental influences are involved that they would only be the means whereby this mind/body expresses whatever it is experiencing.
If i turn my back on enlightenment, would it heal up ?
i guess i won't find out. (even if it did heal there is no certainty that it would be related to 'giving up'
wonderful mystery
the way things work for people
enjoy the questions.
Monday, January 24, 2011
what drivel will dribble tonight ?
i don't mean to disparage these outpourings, just to point out their inherent meaninglessness.
they are not going to change anything. they won't bring me to 'that moment' any quicker. They can only add to the story of me.
If i feel any better because of them, that is a moment of pleasurable sensation (about 70 seconds before the effects of the pleasure hormone wears off) The pleasure is because of my reaction to what i think about it. But after it wears off i will look for the next thing to feel good about. i can probably get a few hits from my memory of it.
So why rave ?
hmm, the advaidic answer would be " raving happens" which is probably more likely to be true in a mind/body that has memories of a lot of raving.
Oh, and i do enjoy that 70 seconds of pleasure.
create it with thoughts
or use steel and masonry
pleasure lasts the same
they are not going to change anything. they won't bring me to 'that moment' any quicker. They can only add to the story of me.
If i feel any better because of them, that is a moment of pleasurable sensation (about 70 seconds before the effects of the pleasure hormone wears off) The pleasure is because of my reaction to what i think about it. But after it wears off i will look for the next thing to feel good about. i can probably get a few hits from my memory of it.
So why rave ?
hmm, the advaidic answer would be " raving happens" which is probably more likely to be true in a mind/body that has memories of a lot of raving.
Oh, and i do enjoy that 70 seconds of pleasure.
create it with thoughts
or use steel and masonry
pleasure lasts the same
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
let the drivel run.
i come with nothing to say,
but saying will be said.
i said.
or was it consciousness that said it - through me.
if all my thoughts are consciousness talking...
it sure talks a lot of shit.
but then why wouldn't it talk a lot of shit?
Shit might need saying as much a something very important.
Maybe consciousness holds shit as very important.
Maybe it's not what is said that is important but the saying.
or maybe the not saying between the saying is where the rainbow ends.
but saying will be said.
i said.
or was it consciousness that said it - through me.
if all my thoughts are consciousness talking...
it sure talks a lot of shit.
but then why wouldn't it talk a lot of shit?
Shit might need saying as much a something very important.
Maybe consciousness holds shit as very important.
Maybe it's not what is said that is important but the saying.
or maybe the not saying between the saying is where the rainbow ends.
Monday, January 17, 2011
and i wait.
Oh, i suppose i should say something, at least occasionally.
seeking is still happening, albeit in a quieter, calmer way now.
knowing that doing won't lead to freedom.
knowing that there's nothing to be done means i just wait.
Wait for the moment when there is no i doing the waiting.
knowing that there is no time during which to wait.
knowing that everybody and everything else, everything that i react to, is just a line in the script of the movie that i wrote, produced and directed, and starred in.
knowing that and i wait - because i can't do anything else.
and i wait, because
i can't do anything else
oh my sweet waiting.
seeking is still happening, albeit in a quieter, calmer way now.
knowing that doing won't lead to freedom.
knowing that there's nothing to be done means i just wait.
Wait for the moment when there is no i doing the waiting.
knowing that there is no time during which to wait.
knowing that everybody and everything else, everything that i react to, is just a line in the script of the movie that i wrote, produced and directed, and starred in.
knowing that and i wait - because i can't do anything else.
and i wait, because
i can't do anything else
oh my sweet waiting.
Monday, January 3, 2011
the new year came and went....
The new year came and went - and it's still now.
Are my memories about my experiences last year, even if they are accurate, really contributing to my ideas about who i am ?
What about my intentions for the coming year ? Do they define me ? Surely they say something about the kind of person i am ?
But what if i am not really a person ? if the person i am is in fact simply memories (thoughts) of a collection of past thoughts about a concept i call self (me, i) ?
This takes time out of the equation.
What i am is my current experience. Or more accurately the experiencing that is currently happening thinks it is me.
put the mind away
it thinks that it is someone
see reality
Are my memories about my experiences last year, even if they are accurate, really contributing to my ideas about who i am ?
What about my intentions for the coming year ? Do they define me ? Surely they say something about the kind of person i am ?
But what if i am not really a person ? if the person i am is in fact simply memories (thoughts) of a collection of past thoughts about a concept i call self (me, i) ?
This takes time out of the equation.
What i am is my current experience. Or more accurately the experiencing that is currently happening thinks it is me.
put the mind away
it thinks that it is someone
see reality
Saturday, December 25, 2010
merry christmas
every time somebody says "merry xmas" i think "yes and a merry or rather happy rest of your life to you and yours, and everybody else in the world too".
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.
all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.
all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
i haven't been asleep (but i haven't woken up either)
some "movement" for some shift in understanding (all mind stuff with physical attributes) has occurred.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.
puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."
Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."
Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)
what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done
when i notice it.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.
puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."
Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."
Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)
what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done
when i notice it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
just a catch up
not much is happening. i'm still on the outside of the gateless gate.
i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)
the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.
some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.
there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day
i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)
the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.
some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.
there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
i'm still asking
i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself'
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)
now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'
there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)
now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'
there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What is it that is keeping you from waking up ?
Ask yourself "What is it that is keeping me from waking up ?" Jan Frazier
She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)
i asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.
She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)
i asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
you are already at your destination
Buddha said: 'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.' There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."
Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate
Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.
Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.
Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate
Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.
Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit!
There is awareness here now. Let everything be as it is, and stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit! Let it be. This is absolute liberation. Stephen Wingate
Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me.
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.
i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?
Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me.
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.
i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Your default setting
Your default setting is wisdom and peace.
The only thing that ever covers over your experience of spaciousness and peace, in any moment, is believed thought. Vince Flammini
language and ownership
Looking closely reveals that the "my" is tacked on after the thought or feeling arises. It's not really "my" thought or feeling, it's just thoughts and feelings. It's unbelievable what a difference there is between "I am miserable" and "sensations of misery are present here." Without the automatic, unconscious ownership of mind stuff, it becomes quite benign.
Friday, October 15, 2010
i had a relationship then i didn't...
a friend of mine (is that a relationship?) recently ceased having a romantic relationship.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.
There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?
Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....
summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.
There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?
Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....
summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.
"am" is...
the sounds of frogs are still there.
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
the frogs and the thought.
the frogs, this spring night
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?
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