doubts

When asked by Ilona on the LiberationUnleashed forum last night if there were any doubts about having passed through the gate (to Liberation), the reply was;
"No doubts anywhere..."
That was last night.
This morning, woke with thoughts arising that went like this; "surely this can't be IT", "this is too ordinary to be IT", "there would be definite knowledge if..." 
These thoughts might be labelled as doubts, but there is an immediate recognition that they are only thoughts.

No matter what thoughts arise, there can be no doubt that any idea of a me is entirely conceptual.
There simply isn't anything to anchor a certainty to, that this is IT.

Pain, Suffering & Happiness

There is a somewhat cliched saying that goes "You should live every day of your life like it it your last day on earth."
The 'New Age' genre has taken this to mean something like "live life with gusto". To analyse this a little further, they mean that to be inhibited by possible negative consequences is to limit achievement, and thus limit happiness. This implies happiness it a result of achievement. This is False.
Happiness is the default state for human beings.
In the absence of all conceptual thinking, happiness remains. Even with the existence of pain there is happiness.
Some elaboration here.
Suffering is entirely caused by thinking.
Suffering can exist even without physical pain.
You might say suffering is emotional pain.
Physical pain + concept =  suffering is also true.
The body has it's own way of handling pain.
Pain is a messenger, with the intent to protect the body. Obviously there is value to heed it.
Our culture has seemingly forgotten that and treats all pain as an enemy to be subdued.
Consider a headache. i am feeling sorry for myself (suffering) when something interesting comes along and for a while there is no thought or feeling of the headache. Later when attention falls away from the diversion awareness of the pain returns, and so the actual pain returns.
Had it gone while i was diverted, or was i just unaware of it. Can awareness of the pain, and the actual pain, be separated?
What about the occasions when discovering an injury that has left blood, but having no recollection of doing it. Logically, there would have been pain, but there is no memory of it. There is just a wound that the mind says "Oh, I must have bumped it against something..."
But enough of pain, what about Happiness?
Not the high of yippee-ness, or blissed out ecstasy. That is beyond happiness and obviously can't be sustained.
A sense of "all is well", of a harmony with circumstances that exists in the background of current happenings. When focused on, elicits a feeling of quiet pleasure.
This is the happiness that exists when the absence of concept is realised. (the convention of language makes it seem that happiness (a noun) exists in it's own right as a separate thing to be owned, but that isn't how it is meant here. It is just a clumsy description for awareness of a sense of something.)
Nothing needs to be done, in fact nothing can be done to achieve it.
It exists in the absence of the belief that a concept is real. The concept of Self, the concept of Future or Past, the concept of good or bad. Probably any concept.

Happiness just is,
when I don't chase it away.
Oh how wonder-full.

Death doesn't exist !

Two weeks ago i was having a conversation with my father-in-law.
Ten days ago he was in a hospital bed full of morphine, unable to communicate with us.
One week ago we buried him.
Now he is a memory.
That is he exists only as thoughts. He has become conceptual to this mind/body.
Did i consider my own and others eventual demise because of this experience? Yes.
BUT, it was recognised that they were just thoughts. It was conceptual.
What is real is now, and now, and now...

My death is a thought,
until it really happens.
today i'm living.

the meaning of life...

Just reading a blog wherein some 'free' bods talking about the meaning of life.
Here is a take on it....
Q: what is the meaning of life ?
Hmm, first thought is that mind needs/wants to give meaning to everything. That's what minds do.
A cliche'd response is "life is it's own meaning".
This presumes that there is a thing called life (a noun) and that meaning (purpose) is intrinsic to it.
'Life' like 'Truth' is one of those words that are used as a noun but don't actually exist. An anomaly in our language.
'Life' is what we call the process of 'Living'. It's a language convention. It's uncritical thinking that leads to believing a language convention actually has literal meaning as a thing.
What is 'Life' ?
Is there a thing called 'Life' separate from a person (mind/body)?
If there were no people on this planet we would say that there was still life here. The plants and animals are the obvious 'living' things.
So now it becomes a little clearer that what we call 'life' is the process of coming into existence, growing (or evolving) then dying (after which, there is no life left)
Less commonly considered would be the life of a rock. Technically it comes into being from some process (compression or a volcano etc) gets moved about by various means, gets eroded back to dust (dies). There is no evolution during its 'life-time'
Clearly the process between birth and death is what we mean by 'life' when we consider plants and rocks (animals may fit here or with the following...) but when we talk about humans, we are referring not to what takes place internally, but what happens TO them. "Life did that to him." etc.
If 'life' doesn't exist as a separate thing, then obviously is can't do anything to anybody.
Life is just as much an illusion, a story, as Self is, therefore is is impossible for meaning to be intrinsic to it. Meaning can only be ascribed to Life. It is just part of the story that is constructed by mind (thoughts)
Of course all of the above is from this limited mind perspective, so it is absolutely NOT a complete view.
There are those who claim to recognise Oneness that say there is purpose to it all....

Can life have meaning,
when happenings called living,
only happen now.

current situation...

What is the current situation, a week after going through the gate?
Still no sonic boom, still no Aha! of seeing anything exciting, just a continual awareness that Vince was all made up and that THIS is all there is.
By THIS i mean WHAT IS happening now, and now, and now...
Sounds of typing is happening, sounds of cars are happening, sounds of Tinnitus is happening.
No thoughts of the past or future are needed for this typing, so no such thoughts.
Feeling a slight fullness in the stomach region after eating tea a few minutes ago.
Waiting, waiting for the next words to form on the screen. Hmm, how is waiting experienced ? It's just a stillness that has a sensation of emptiness, a kind of vacuum that sucks words from somewhere. The word emptiness came out spelled wrongly and a red line formed under it. Without verbal thought, a right mouse click and insert the correction.
As boring as this might seem, it isn't. Life is mostly like this now, and now, etc.
It's actually very freeing. Hmm, that is there is no weight of what has to be done. A trust that everything that needs doing will get done, and above all i don't need to 'do' Vince. Everything just happens.
Lost in the 'doing' happens.
i watched a movie this afternoon with my wife and her two sisters. As it finished one sister looked at me and said "You've been crying" at which point i realised that it was true. It wasn't a sad movie and i couldn't say why i had been crying. It was emotional and i was lost in it. There was no awareness of a me until she spoke to me.
Life is becoming that way. Lost in each activity that happens. Just being reactive. Present circumstances telling me what is required now, and now, and now...


Life is a story.
Living is doing it now.
It all just happens.

does knowing require a knower?

Tell me, does knowing require a knower? Is there somebody that knows and believes? 
logically speaking knowing can only happen to a knower, but as there is no-one (there is a body but whether it can have knowing is another story - grin) no-one to do the knowing and believing, all that can be said is that knowing or believing just happens - if it does.
How does that work?
Hah! this question just triggered something from my waffle about not being able to know anything. 
When writing that i was focusing on absolute knowledge and the Aha that just occurred was 'who' can't know anything for sure. Of course! it's inane, it's a non issue, there is no-one to know.
So to answer your question of a couple of posts ago...
seeing that there is no i has happened. There is no seeing of knowing or believing.

Steps towards liberation...

Write this down.
There is no self at all in reality. No me that lives my life. 
Watch, wait, notice, write- what comes up? 

i am at ease with this. i see clearly that there is only a concept of I/me

Is there fear? 

No fear. In fact there is exhilaration, an excitement about adventure.

Is there doubt? 
No doubts. i can't see how it could be different.
Resistance? 

See fear (above)

Frustration? 

Yes, some frustration, but see the hollowness of this. i can see how it is the result of thoughts about how i used to imagine Enlightenment would be, specifically how certainty would exist.

Something that wants to scream and make a turn away, something that says this is not working? 

Thoughts that i may not be 'there' certainly exist, but are seen as just thoughts that are a hangover from old ideas.

Or maybe there is  wow, joy, relief?
No, ordinariness prevails. 
Notice all that is going on inside and just put it down in writing.

What is going on is a subtle sense of release. A seeing that the old identification with an I was responsible the illusion/story that causes all of the suffering in the world.

Strip away all expectations.
What do you expect that liberation is going to be like?

Expectation have changed as of two weeks ago. No more expectations of a sonic boom.

i guess this is not answering the question. What do i expect ?

i expect a progression, a deepening into a state where brain conditioning will fade resulting in habitual, ritualistic thoughts decreasing.
What do you want from it?

There is no I/you to want anything and no 'it' to deliver anything.
How do you imagine a liberated human behaves? 

They would be as varied as their conditioning/experiences.
What should it be like?

i'm tempted to say that this is a stupid question that doesn't deserve consideration, but will see where it takes me.

It should be what it will be.

more on the Unconscious mind.

How freeing is this ? Wow!
i used to think that i was at the mercy of the unconscious mind. That it caused feelings and behaviour that i couldn't control. i called a certain part of it Ego and believed it needed to be killed for me to be free.
How different now!
Without the need to playact Vince there is no conflict between one part of mind and another.
The part that thinks how I should be and the part how I really am are all thoughts to be observed as one observes an interesting piece of art or a scene in nature (which is what it is)
Not being compelled to obey conscious or unconscious thoughts means being relaxed regardless of what thoughts arise.
None of them speak of 'me'
What/Who 'i' am is before the thoughts, is the seer of the thoughts and as such can't be considered by thought/mind.
i used to think it was unconscious mind that tied shoelaces without attention, but as Ilona said yesterday, it is just brain. Itch and Scratch.
The only difference between conscious and unconscious mind is attention.
Unconscious mind seen is no longer unconscious.
Conscious mind seen may well calm down to only task oriented behaviour. This is likely to conserve a large amount of wasted energy.
This will be interesting......

the unconscious mind,
made conscious by attention,
may laugh and giggle.

further confirmation... and the Unconscious mind.

Here is further confirmation that something is happening.
Jiddu Krishnamurti seems to have started to speak more coherently. :)
For 30 years i have been reading him, knowing that what he was saying was good & important but couldn't really relate to his words.
Yesterday, glancing at Flight of the Eagle, what he was saying is so clear. Wow!
One of the things he spoke about, of particular interest, is the division between the conscious and unconscious mind.
Quote;
"We said we would go into this question of the conscious and the deeper levels, the unconscious: and we are asking why is there this division, this division between the conscious mind, occupied with its own daily activities, worries, problems, superficial pleasures, earning a livelihood and so on and the deeper levels of that mind, with all its hidden motives, its drives, compulsive demands, its fears? Why is there this division? Does it exist because we are so occupied, superficially, with endless chatter, with the constant demand, superficially, for amusement, entertainment, religious as well as otherwise? Because the superficial mind cannot possibly delve deeply into itself while this division arises.

What is the content of the deeper layers of the mind? - not

according to the psychologists, Freud and so on - and how do you find out, if you do not read what others have said? How will you find out what your unconscious is? You will watch it, will you not? Or, will you expect your dreams to interpret the contents of the unconscious? And who is to translate those dreams? The experts? - they are also conditioned by their specialisation. And one asks: is it possible not to dream at all? - excepting of course for nightmares when one has eaten the wrong food, or has had too heavy a meal in the evening.
There is - we will use the word for the time being - the unconscious. What is it made of? - obviously the past; all the racial consciousness, the racial residue, the family tradition, the various religious and social conditioning - hidden, dark, undiscovered; can all that be discovered and exposed without dreams? - or without going to an analyst? - so that the mind, when it does sleep, is quiet, not incessantly active. And, because it is quiet, may there not come into it quite a different quality, a different activity altogether, dissociated from the daily anxieties, fears, worries, problems, demands? To find that out - if that is possible - that is, not to dream at all, so that the mind is really fresh when it wakes up in the morning, one has to be aware during the day, aware of the hints and intimations. Those one can discover only in relationship; when you are watching your relationship with others, without condemning, judging, evaluating; just watching how you behave, your reactions; seeing without any choice; just observing, so that during the day the hidden, the unconscious, is exposed.
Why do we give such deep significance and meaning to the unconscious? - for after all, it is as trivial as the conscious. If the

conscious mind is extraordinarily active, watching, listening, seeing, then the conscious mind becomes far more important than the unconscious; in that state all the contents of the unconscious are exposed; the division between the various layers comes to an end. Watching your reactions when you sit in a bus, when you are talking to your wife, your husband, when in your office, writing, being alone - if you are ever alone - then this whole process of observation, this act of seeing (in which there is no division as the `observer' and the `observed') ends the contradiction."
end quote. 

vince as a character

Can you look at vince as a character and tell us what you see. How does a character operate?
There are qualities distinctive to an individual mind/body, but they are not "in there". They occur because of the conditioning and experience that has happened.
There used to be a part played by an actor attempting to be Vince. Now there is no need to be Vince. There is just what occurs.
What mechanism drives it?
Reaction. Reaction to external stimuli. Reaction to thoughts that occur. Reaction to feelings (stimulated by thought)

Hmm, i get your point about ego. Even though i was using it as a convenient label for a collection of certain thoughts, it does start to look like a description of an entity, but i wasn't giving it existence as anything separate. Certainly better to drop it even as a description.

what is Ego, does it really exist?

what is Ego, does it really exist?

The Ego is now seen for what it is, a collection of thoughts/memories that produces other thoughts which attract judgments (more thoughts) about the worth of an idea called self.
It's a label for a concept. 
It exists as much as any concept can exist. That is it is maintained by thought.
When thought stops, Ego stops.
i also use the term ego for those useful thoughts (mostly 'unconscious') that take care of things like tying shoelaces or nose blowing - daily living stuff that doesn't require attention.

Do I exist ?

Do I exist ?
Obviously it can't happen that every new person spoken to gets an explanation that they see 'themselves' differently to how this person relates to self, so a convention of language will continue.
When typing a lower case i indicates no identification with Ego (capital I)
I (Ego) exists for sake of daily navigation. Identification as who i am does not.
It is clearly seen how I was a construct, a concept, and how it came about.

What is the self and how does it work?
Hmm, i imagine that 'self' and 'I' are synonymous, so "what is self" answered above.
"How it works" is that Ego, constantly masturbating, lays claim to ownership of any thought that bolsters it in any way and rejects by way of projection any thought that might diminish it.
It is clearly seen that everything that people do is for the purpose of feeling better.

How would you describe this to a friend who has never heard of this before?
In the past I would take any opportunity to expound the virtues of 'spirituality' to anybody that would listen (or mostly was a captive audience)
This friend would have to show some interest or at least be suffering in some way that might create an opportunity for interest.
Firstly, i would describe the end of suffering for me. (explain the difference between pain and suffering)
i might lead them, as gently as possible, to see that what they took to be themselves is a mental concept and that there is a feeling component to freedom from that obsession.
i would explain that the brain being conditioned will almost certainly mean that habit for old ways may well continue, but that it will taper off as realisations occur about how it all works.


What was that last push?
There was no flash of recognition, so it is hard to say.
A recent significant moment was when Skyping Eric Gross http://liberationfromthelie.com and he told me to "trust" (the actual converstion is somewhat vague now even though it occurred only two weeks ago)
That coupled with a blog entry of his on scratching the itch (see my take on it with a reference back to his post here, http://vince-wisingup.blogspot.com/2011/10/absence-of-what-you-are-doing-trying-to.html

How does it feel to be liberated?
There is no certain knowledge that it has occurred.
There is however a subtle feeling of freedom (from the illusion of a identifiable me)
It is centred around the sternum area and when focused on elicits a definite sensation in the head which i would describe as an altered state of consciousness.
It feels good to see anger/frustration reactions fade almost instantly with a chuckle. This feeling is a result of a thought about achievement/success/progress.

Is there a separate entity at all in real life? 
No, not separate, no entity.

Was there ever? 
Only in mind.

tell me what is real?
Don't know.
i can only behave as if certain things are real for the sake of navigating through daily life.
i don't even know if all this isn't happening in a dream and i will dream that i woke up only to wake up and realise that i was dreaming that i woke up and dreamed that i woke up.
For the sake of daily life, just to separate concepts from descriptions will suffice.
(see this blog post http://vince-wisingup.blogspot.com/2011/10/truth-revisited.html

Has 'it' happened ??

Sometime over the last two days something has changed for me.
It is subtle, but very definitely a shift in thinking/feeling has occurred.
i hesitate to call it Enlightenment as that claim seems too preposterous.
i have lived with the belief that those enlightened beings definitely know that it has happened for them.
i don't know!
i guess it doesn't actually matter, as this new 'state' is one of being very involved in actual experience with only occasional thought about the past or future. Recognising them as just thoughts. No attachment.
Recognition that i expected a sonic boom as i sailed through the gate-less gate exists. That certainty would exist. That i would be able to pontificate with authority. That i would know how things work. That i would recognise Oneness. All these things have fallen away.
Now i realise what others have said about the 'ordinaryness' of it.
While i wouldn't describe it as ordinary, the extraordinary-ness is subtle.
There is a tolerance, hmm, an acceptance of everything as OK. Amusement at accidents, even recognition of value in them. Knowing the rightness of the phrase "everything is as it should be"
Thoughts that it might be temporary, that it is yet to be really tested, keep occurring, but without any vigour.
There is a sense that it might be better to keep it secret from family and friends as i imagine that 'proof' will be sought. Though it might be fear that their reaction might threaten what seems a fragile thing.
These of course, are just thoughts. As someone i read recently almost said, "Once you know Santa is your parents", you can never again believe he is more than a concept. So how could i ever again believe I is more than a concept ? Still, there is a sense of possessiveness present.

appropriate action...

What is the appropriate action to take when it is seen that adolescent grandchildren that you love are heading down a path to hell?
By hell i mean that they are being consumed by the illusion that what matters most in the world is that their peers think they look good. That their possessions are as good as their peers possessions. That their self worth is determined be the acceptance of their friends and the advertisements on TV. That the taste of what they eat is much more important than it's nutritional value.
Can i do anything? Should i do anything?
For any offering to be accepted, without doubt it must have no element of criticism.
Waiting for enquiry may be the most appropriate attitude....
But then i might wait forever, but as it's their trip (not mine), that's ok too.

I think therefore...

Descarte' famous saying, "I think, therefore I am." is worthy of analysis.
"I think..."
Who thinks?
I can only say "I" if I don't look.
If I do look, the best i can come up with is a concept which I call I.
Who thinks?
If mind investigates then it can only observe thoughts arising.
Also it is implied that thinking is a deliberate action, but investigation of this shows that thoughts happen to me, not by me.
Who "am"?
Am is definitely correct.
Something is aware that this is going on. Perhaps it is Consciousness ?
"am" what?
If the am is happening to that something, then the something is before mind, so it is reasonable that the mind can't know what produces it.
When we look in a mirror we don't see ourselves. We see an image of how we look. It in no way represents more than a visual representation of our body.
Perhaps the mind is like a mirror reflecting a partial representation of the "what" ?

If Descarte were more accurate, maybe he would have said "Thinking occurs, therefore Ego can believe it is I."

Mostly i come here with no idea...

Mostly i come here with no idea what will appear from the keyboard.
Like this, i just start typing and watch the result.
As i type ideas appear and tonight the ideas that are appearing are about ideas appearing.
The idea that i can own a thought or that i know what thoughts are going to occur seems to have no basis in reality now.
Even intention is something that just occurs, although it possibly is the perpetrator of thoughts.
i intend to do something, then thoughts about doing occur. How will it get done? When will it get done? What are the ramifications of it being done? etc...
From this perspective, i am freed from responsibility for thoughts, although not from the consequences of them.
Being free of responsibility means No Judgement. i don't have emotional reactions to the pseudo moral judgement about the thought. My thoughts don't mean i am a good or bad person.
i can watch thoughts and react to them or not.
Frequently now i find myself laughing out loud at thoughts that occur.
This is in response to the realisation that it is not 'me' that is having the thoughts and that i am not bound to obey them.
It is particularly liberating when it comes to thoughts about how i should feel.
My 94 year old father-in-law is in hospital since yesterday and the doctors say he has a 1% chance of surviving the next 2 days as his kidneys have shut down.
i have had several bouts of sadness since hearing the news but each time it is in response to others sadness/pain and not to the fact of his likely demise, even though i am fond of him.
i also noticed that my public display of tears have engendered no feelings of embarrassment or self-consciousness or even thoughts about that. Awareness of that came in retrospect.

i read somewhere once that emotions are the physical component of thought.
This resonates for me.
So not being a slave to my thoughts means a whole different emotional landscape.
Strong emotions have led me, in the past, to say and do things that later i regretted. Phew! to be free of that is fantastic. (i feel really good for having that thought)
In reality, as brain is conditioned, it is reasonable to expect habit might lead to relapse from time to time, but also reasonable is that this will taper off as the new way of being establishes.

Thought, then a feeling.
A thought then a space,
optional feeling.

If an orphaned tiger cub...

If an orphaned tiger cub only days old is put with a new litter of dog pups to be raised by mother dog, will it think it is a dog or a tiger?

The picture shows 3 cubs but in our story let's assume 1 cub. (That way it never sees another tiger.)
Does it think it looks like Mum (the dog)?
It knows nothing different. Even though it is 5 or 6 times larger when fully grown than mum, it will still have a relationship of child to parent. Obviously natural instincts will define certain behaviour while other behaviour will be taught by it's dog mother.
As it can't see itself, it may even believe it looks like a dog.
We (people) are the tiger raised by the dog (our culture)
We have certain instincts that we ignore or suppress because Mum (culture) doesn't tolerate them.
Just as we don't hear our own snoring, the conditioned brain filters out anything that doesn't accord with our view or who or what we are.
It is so convinced that it 'know', that it is prepared to go to war to retain/protect the status quo.
Encouraged by political parties, religion, clubs etc to regard anybody that doesn't agree as an enemy.
It even goes to war with itself when a truth about a person is not in line with how it thinks it should be, or if it thinks that it would be too painful to confront an unacceptable situation. This then results in illness as the cost of repression.
How then do we go about changing this ?
What would we change to ?

a summary

The blog has been a journal that is an expression of significant milestones on my trip seeking Enlightenment.

i may have arrived but don't see any clear signposts telling me so. 

Here is the current situation as i see it.

The I that I call Me doesn't exist. It is a mental construct only. The result of brain conditioned by culture.

I am obviously not my body as attested by the fact that I am no less Me if every non vital part of my body is removed.

I am not my mind as it frequently changes without changing me. Even to claim my thoughts as mine is a fallacy.

Observation will reveal that I don't originate a thought. I can't even control what my next thought will be. 

I (ego) claims them after they have occurred. It is necessary to continue the illusion of the ego claiming to be me.

Thoughts just arise. Talking, walking, seeing etc just happens. (more on this later)

I look and look and I can find no Me anywhere, but who or what is looking?

Whatever it is, I am that ! (some call it soul or consciousness or awareness)

Whatever it is doesn't matter for practical purposes. 

For practical purposes, what does matter is to see what actually is.

That is, to see the difference between what my mind says is the situation and what actually it is.

It's the egos' job to assume reality (which actually isn't reality) so that mundane tasks are achieved without requiring full attention.

But the moment emotion becomes involved the ego needs to be sidelined and pure awareness, or clear seeing is the appropriate state to be in.

For this to happen we need to be familiar with what clear seeing is.

One of the things that obscures clear seeing is the unconscious mind reacting to historical pain. Pain that was not resolved at the time and was buried by impatient parents inability to transcend their frustration.

In developing clear seeing, this buried emotion will come to the surface and if accepted without judgement, will dissipate. There is no need to hunt it down.

To try and eradicate our past traumas is to try and improve a non-existant I. 

It only serves to strengthen an egos' delusion that it is Me. 

The 'out of control' tiger of an ego will become a purring pussycat of an ego when it stops being fed inappropriate growth hormones. 

When I no longer identify with my looks or my car, or my success, (I becomes i) then clear sight starts.

There is no need to DO anything.

Understanding and willingness to be open, earnestness, is all that is required.

We are mainly allowing habit to die.

Intention is the motive force.

Something has happened.

Ego is starting to purr.

Does that mean something?

hands off!

Sitting here listening to Paul Hedderman and looking at my hands and the skin condition that is now healing quite fast, but required me to wear gloves even to drive and it hit me. What i am telling myself (my self! ha! ownership of a non existant thing - self!!!) is HANDS OFF!
Stop trying to control the world. 
In the words of that Beatles song...
"Speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Stop trying to 'get a grip' on it. It doesn't need handling. i don't need to manipulate life (manipulate verb [ with obj. ]1 handle or control 2 alter, edit 3 control or influence) 
Hah! the irony of all this is that i can't do any of the above anyway. i can only have an illusion of control.


---- sleep ----


Woke up with the saying "you can't get a handle on this"
It can't be understood. It is beyond mind.

speaking to Eric

We spoke last night for just on an hour.
The thing that resonated with me most was when Eric spoke about trust. (hmm, already like a dream it has started to fade)
i now don't remember the words he used but the gist of it as it affected me was that the use of the mind is inappropriately overplayed. Of course it is something that i already knew (in an intellectual/mind way!!) but the way he put it felt right.
To just acknowledge a thought stream as i would a tree i was walking past. My continual analysing of my thoughts (and others behaviour) was keeping the peace experience away. (see Seekers and their Mosquito Bites)
i notice that i am breathing differently this morning. Lots of sighs and a deeper more relaxed breathing with the emphasis on the exhalations, just as in meditation or hypnosis or sleep. Less inclination to pontificate at every opportunity.
My skin condition seems the same though, or maybe a little better.
There is also less energy for expounding on this blog.

Has a point been reached,
where the ride to awareness
has reached no return ?

What do i really want ?

i had an epiphany yesterday, and like a lot of really good things it almost snuck by to be forgotten.
Even though my reaction to it was Wow! Ah!  and i enthusiastically shared it with my wife (who gently waved it away as just more of my babble) here i am a day later struggling to remember the details of it.

How it happened is that i caught myself daydreaming of a time, somewhere in the future, when i would have a life where i could do what i wanted, when i wanted. i woud be contented.
It was somewhat vague, just as in a dream.
The feeling of contentment was the main feature of the fantasy.
THEN I REALISED that we already had the lifestyle i was fantasizing about but without the contentment.
That was the epiphany. That i already had it but without the contentment. Well there is contentment, but it is more a construct of mind than a feeling.
There is resistance to accepting that i already have it. It's subtle, but there it is.

waiting for Eric.

Even though i know that nobody can do it for me, (trigger enlightenment)
Even though i know that there is nothing i can do to realise it,
Anticipation sneaks around inside me.
What do i hope for when speaking to someone who is 'awake'?
i don't know, but hope exists.
When i met Sailor Bob my expectations/hopes were disappointed.
Can i try not to have expectations? Sure i can try, but if they're there, then they are there.
i don't (think i) judge them. They are just there, fluctuating from invisible to really strong. That's just habit.
My hands are giving me hell with the dermatitis. The skin on my right index finger keeps opening up in a fissure that hurts a lot. I have to keep moisturiser on all the time or the skin dries up and cracks.
What is this trying to tell me? It is big for the condition to be so demanding of my attention.
Maybe Eric will trigger some awareness of this.
The internet keeps dropping out, the rain on the caravan roof when heavy is very noisy. Not good omens for a Skype conversation. What will be, will be.

i'm waiting, wanting
hoping Eric will reveal
how i am Oneness.

The absence of what you are doing -- trying to understand, or trying to change yourself -- is the state of being that I am describing U.G. Krishnamurti.

You can’t have a scratching problem without the bite and the scratcher. You can’t heal the wound of the enlightenment bug with more or less scratching or more aware scratching.
The bite is the idea that you have to be different from what you are and the mind is the scratcher.
Can you stop the itching? Can you stop scratching? Eric Gross Seekers and their Mosquito Bites

How hard is it to accept that what i am IS what i am seeking, once i no longer seek?
Oh! i say,
but i have so many shortcomings...
It's not that i am in pain, or suffering, it's just that i could be so much better.

Analyse this, i say,

Ok, Who could be better? Who is obviously not the thought construct, the concept i call me.
Maybe it's my body (i believe that's not who/what i really am), but it sure could use improvement.
My emotions are experienced in the body, they could be better.
The way i express myself in communicating with others could be better. (hmm, not sure how that is me...)

What is better?

My body could be healthier, more energetic, less overweight. i could lose the dermatitis.
My emotions (thought reactions) could be more happy/satisfied/contented.
My interactions with others could be more satisfying, less arrogent (on my part, always telling others how they could be better).


The non acceptance of 'what is' starts the seeking. Begins the itch.
It seems like i am seeking what i don't have (being better), so how can UG say that i already am what i am seeking?
Oh, i see, without the seeking i am what i now seek to be...
The itch will vanish when i stop scratching it...

uncorking some dribble...

i don't know what i am going to say (type). i'll just let it ooze out or erupt out or however it wants to out.
What might ooze out is some boredom that this stuff is always about me.
What might erupt out is "why the bloody hell is my skin (some of it) so itchy and ready to slough off ?!*
What i see when i ask this question is puzzlement.
Currently this 'dermatitis' is mainly on my hands, on the ball at the base of the thumbs and up and around the inside of the thumbs and some at the ball of the index finger on the right hand  and at the inside of the top joint of the little finger on the left hand.
The striking thing is the big ones at the base of the thumbs are a mirror of the one on the other hand. When i had it on my feet, it also mirrored in the position on each foot. i have a little on the inside of each elbow trying to erupt.
i don't understand the significance of the mirroring.
i do believe that it is trying to tell me something but as i am so thick it has no option but to express itself physically.
i used to believe that as skin was the outer casing of the physical body that it was here that the interaction between me and the rest of the world took place. Metaphorically that represents relationships. Relationships between me and significant others and relationships with everybody else.
With my seeking, (yes, i admit it. yes, i understand that seeking won't achieve success - i'm helpless. It's the only meta-interest i have), i hope to resolve the ultimate relationship conundrum, where (as reported by awakened ones) there will be no separate identity called me to have a relationship and there will be experience of the interconnectedness of everything and everyone.
i.e. metaphorical skin won't be necessary. There will be no boundary as purportedly there isn't one now. i just imagine that there is one and behave/perceive as it there is one.
Another technique i employ is to use organ language. It goes like this; What sayings that have meaning for me involve any restrictions i experience from the condition. e.g. "I can't come to grips with this." or "i can't get a grip on this" or "it is difficult to handle ..." or "it's hard to give the thumbs up on this" or "twiddling my thumbs is uncomfortable" or "thumbs down hurts" or "difficult to grab the moment of opportunity as it flashes by" or ...
i then review the list of sayings i came up with.
The order that i thought of them is significant.
Some don't 'ring any bells' while some shout out to me their rightness.
The first three are variations of the same thing, difficult in coping with something.
The next spoke of approval and the next of the bad feeling from time wasting.
The next was approval again. Here it started getting difficult thinking of more sayings.
The last one is a saying i heard many years ago which resonated with me.
Then review the review. The first three all saying the same thing - very significant. i will investigate what might i be having trouble coping with. Nothing in particular jumps out at me, but then it is obviously something i don't want to face or it wouldn't need to manifest physically in such a shitty way.
i will go to sleep asking myself this question. "What would be the consequences of facing something that i'm not coping with ?"
see you tomorrow...

What is an appropriate relationship to those people...

What is an appropriate relationship to those people whose world view is very different to mine ?
i can say that i don't even know myself very well, so how is it possible to have even the slightest knowledge of anyone else ?
Am talking about everybody else ?
There are some people who share some attitudes with me, but nobody who does one hundred percent.
If i ask myself "where did the question come from?", i get an image of a particular person.
i know this person a bit. i have experienced them in their private lives and know them to be a nice and good  person. Their interests are very distant to mine, they see the world so differently that i have no confidence that anything i say will be interpreted in the spirit, or with the meaning that was intended.
And so, here is the answer to my question. A benign indifference might be appropriate except for needed contact and navigating through necessary interaction.
An all important aspect of this is the experience of equanimity.

Looking directly...

"You just need to look directly without expectations or assumptions."

i just can't get it !
i "look directly" by asking myself "where is the I?"
i watch my thoughts, how they come, whether they include expectations or assumptions, i watch my thought reactions to those thoughts and the feeling reactions. 

i can't find an I.
i understand that there is no I.

i believe that there is no I.
i grok that there is no I.
But still i want to be different to the way i am. i want to experience Oneness.
i understand that this wanting is still wanting to be a me (albeit an improved me.)

i understand that there is nothing i can do to change this. 

Nothing can facilitate the 'shift' from believing that there is no I, to experiencing that there is no I to experience that there is no I.

Does Truth matter to me?

Does Truth matter to me?
If my experience is just that, my experience, and my reaction to that is what it is, how does it matter if there was Truth somehow involved?
Believing that Truth was part of my experience could certainly enhance my experience, but that is an overlay applied by my mind and of zero value in my intention to relate to 'what is'.
I think Truth is only conceptual, whereas i seek to interact with the actual. 
Emotion clouds. Emotion is always preceded by thinking.
Thinking leads to perceptual ineptitude.
If I mistake a piece of rope for a snake, Truth is that it is not a snake. Truth is I reacted to a snake. Truth is that Truth is inconsequential to my experience. (Though perhaps it is Truth that makes it a peculiarly human experience??)

Truth - revisited...

Socrates taught us not accept our existing thoughts as true. Step back and reevaluate the truth and veracity of your opinions and beliefs. Seek to know your real self and seek truth.With this in mind I will here undertake a verbal/thought journey of self discovery by asking the question “What is a Truth?”

I won't be seeking to perform an intellectual exercise but rather to discover what my current beliefs are about truth and how my daily life is affected by those beliefs.

“What is a Truth? Is it a thing, separate and definable? Can it change?”

If I accept the premise that truth exists as something separate and definable, then I have to do something (focus) to experience it or stop doing something that stops me seeing it (e.g. having beliefs). Having put considerable effort into both, I have to date not been able to reveal an objective Truth.

Maybe “what is truth” should be “what is true”
Seeing what is “out there” that is an objective thing – truth is quite different to seeing what is inherently true in things!!

I can't hold a truth. It doesn't exist as an object. It is an impossible noun, but certainly exists as an adjective. The quality of trueness exists in things and situations and ideas.

“What is a Quality of Trueness?”

I don't know, but I recognise it? When something resonates, it feels right. It's true for me.

But I have experienced knowing something as true, only to later know it to be not true.

“Is there Truth in Knowledge ?”

Because I recognise the uniqueness of my sensory inputs and in particular the unique experiences that have brought me to who I am now, I know (believe in an intellectual way) that I know nothing. That I have no absolute knowledge.
I believe that nothing can be known with absolute certainty. Here is my logic;
In a dream I believe I am real. My belief is as strong the belief I have now that I am awake and typing this. But how do I know that I am not dreaming this.
I can only know that I am dreaming this after I wake up.
I can't know that I am NOT dreaming this.
When I was a kid I dreamt that I woke up and went to school, then my mum woke me up and told me to get ready for school.
Logic tells me that it is feasible that if that happened in a dream then I might have been dreaming that I had a dream.
So you see, it is impossible to actually know anything.
Do I know this ? Obviously if the above is true and complete I can only believe this.
Even with this logic, it is always possible for somebody to come along and point out a flaw in this whole line of thinking.
So, on the assumption that I can't know anything, I can only talk from a position of believing...
“Can you Know what you experience?”
My experience = my interpretation of my sense input, or rather, my interpretations of my reactions filtered through my beliefs.
How is my experience and my mind separate ?
Isn't my physical/emotional experience greatly influenced by my memory of my previous experience? Isn't my memory open to corruption from my beliefs about my self.
Isn't most of my experience largely the result of my expectations ?
I don't think that I can give any more credibility to my experience as being related to truth than I can my beliefs.

“Is something a truth because I hold (believe) it to be truth? If a group of people hold it as truth? If science can measure it?”

Personal and consensual beliefs are often referred to as Truths, but investigation reveals them as convenient beliefs to oil the workings of society. Even scientific results are held as a temporary Truth until more is learned and a 'deeper' Truth is revealed.
Seeing what is true in things is a way of seeing ...

Seeing (as it is used here) is a metaphor for knowing.
This knowing transcends the thing. It transcends You. You (your sense of a separate person) becomes lost in Experiencing the thing. The idea of a thing becomes lost in the Experiencing.

You and It become the Experience. I believe it is here that Truth may be tangible, but certainly not separate.
I have a feeling that truth is there to be ‘known’ by looking with the right kind of eyes. I think it isn’t something separate or different but a way of seeing ‘what is’ without the coloration of opinion – not that I can disappear opinion, but if I am alert then I can see what coloration it causes (in myself)

To Summarise;

I can't know anything, I can only have beliefs.

In order to navigate through life I need to behave 'as if' certain of those beliefs are True.
This is my Truth.

hate

All conflict with which we personally identify reflects a defensive posture from a Fear-Self. When the desires and needs of a Fear-Self are blocked, serious and emotional conflict will ensue. Fear-Selves hate anything that prevents them from getting their way; this applies to all kinds of situations, from long lines in the supermarket to threats to our loftiest aspirations. Every such obstacle pushes us into the shadow of the Wound, and that means suffering. When there is suffering, a Fear-Self will instantly emerge, full of rage, complaining bitterly about the presenting situation and looking to do something to 'correct' it. This is the source of nearly all violence in the world. Eric Gross p424 Liberation from the Lie


i wonder where hate sits with lack.
How do i experience hate?
As a mind/body which expresses most things passionately, it is easy for me to say "i hate idiot politicians/repressive regimes/people who litter/etc, but is it really hate? 
It doesn't matter if it is hate or something else, it is my awareness of the process as it occurs that has the potential to free me from this suffering.
If recognition of the upwelling of emotion happens then it will flip me into a different perspective. One which will remind me that the 'hated' are also people who are reflecting their own conditioning.
i can hope that circumstances will arise for them that will facilitate positive change in their motivation for the shitty behaviour, but that is me attempting to fill a lack in myself.
The intensity of the hate emotion could be addictive. The kind of addiction seen in the religious. Certainly the single minded focus of intense hatred might be described as orgasmic. (in that the left [thinking] brain shuts down and the right [feeling] brain enjoys uninhibited [by the rational left brain] expression)
A relaxed consideration of my own process of hating is possibly the best chance i have of changing my own conditioning.
If my sense of lack is a result of my experience of being invalidated, and hate expressed is certainly invalidating for the recipient, then there is some kind of projection taking place. At least the internalised invalidation process is being perpetuated.
Is it compassion realised (not fake/overlaid compassion) that can act as a circuit breaker.
Let's not hate the haters for they are us and we are them. (stones in glass houses)


i hate the hating,
that separates me from you
please, give me a hug.