Friday, November 4, 2011

Mostly i come here with no idea...

Mostly i come here with no idea what will appear from the keyboard.
Like this, i just start typing and watch the result.
As i type ideas appear and tonight the ideas that are appearing are about ideas appearing.
The idea that i can own a thought or that i know what thoughts are going to occur seems to have no basis in reality now.
Even intention is something that just occurs, although it possibly is the perpetrator of thoughts.
i intend to do something, then thoughts about doing occur. How will it get done? When will it get done? What are the ramifications of it being done? etc...
From this perspective, i am freed from responsibility for thoughts, although not from the consequences of them.
Being free of responsibility means No Judgement. i don't have emotional reactions to the pseudo moral judgement about the thought. My thoughts don't mean i am a good or bad person.
i can watch thoughts and react to them or not.
Frequently now i find myself laughing out loud at thoughts that occur.
This is in response to the realisation that it is not 'me' that is having the thoughts and that i am not bound to obey them.
It is particularly liberating when it comes to thoughts about how i should feel.
My 94 year old father-in-law is in hospital since yesterday and the doctors say he has a 1% chance of surviving the next 2 days as his kidneys have shut down.
i have had several bouts of sadness since hearing the news but each time it is in response to others sadness/pain and not to the fact of his likely demise, even though i am fond of him.
i also noticed that my public display of tears have engendered no feelings of embarrassment or self-consciousness or even thoughts about that. Awareness of that came in retrospect.

i read somewhere once that emotions are the physical component of thought.
This resonates for me.
So not being a slave to my thoughts means a whole different emotional landscape.
Strong emotions have led me, in the past, to say and do things that later i regretted. Phew! to be free of that is fantastic. (i feel really good for having that thought)
In reality, as brain is conditioned, it is reasonable to expect habit might lead to relapse from time to time, but also reasonable is that this will taper off as the new way of being establishes.

Thought, then a feeling.
A thought then a space,
optional feeling.

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