Thursday, September 9, 2010

first blog production

OK, the last post wasn't written for a blog.
These posts From the Verge arose from a prospect that a future book might point towards (?) nowhere for those who can relate to this style of communication.
It would seem that spontaneous, compressed, fearless expression might be the most helpful.
note; the use of I or i is meaningful for me.

so here goes;
where am i now?
still buzzing.
The friend who I spent the day with doing computer help (last post) asked my wife if I was a "born again" christian (or something to that effect) So he noticed the "glow"
still prone to raising the voice a bit in response to frustration, but, it is different. Seems hollow somehow. More witnessing - maybe...
had a smoke tonight - noticed the downers more. actually brought me down a bit (was still good though) I think I like the buzz of the last few days better. Similar in sensation (good feeling Sternum region - different to the feelings emanating from the same region in last post)
had moments of imagining that I was seeing(?) some space between thoughts. can't be sure. visual thoughts can seem more like spaces than verbal thoughts.
The seeing-labeling thoughts were clearly seen as i was driving to town this morning.
the impetus to write has dissipated, so i will see if i can summarize the day with a haiku...
new lawn growing there
lost again but not complete
progress(?) to nowhere?

vince (still)

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wakeup call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying my ego by wanting this?

updates from the verge (of every/no-where)

Where(?) am I now?

I have just finished a busy day with a friend helping with computer issues.
Whereas i (my mind?) has been somewhat objectively aware of it's own thinking processes and of the body's state of comfort on many instances over the past couple of weeks, today there was no awareness until a moment ago (when reactivity wasn't the primary behaviour) (maybe reactivity to mind/thought has replaced reactivity to external stimulus)
The last few days have delivered (?) some extended periods of wonderful good humour, to the extent that the sensation was almost a high.
Golf in springtime, now.
body enjoys the feeling.
Who? knows the body feeling.

This mind has an almost cocky self (?) assurance that it understands the concept (?) of observing (awareness-ing) “the world” from a perspective (place ?) of objective (non judgemental) perception.
But still, seeking beckons.
A yearning the body experiences as a physical sensation from the sternum region. Not unpleasant, but nagging.
Being born to life
in my body's autumn
wonder-full it is.

Some moments of recognition that have occurred;
To relax in the peace of acceptance.
To observe the mind tentatively thinking that it knows the “way” the “world” works.
To allow appropriate decisions/action to arise.

To teach/help/give/share
a chest bursting explosion
it must be ego.