Monday, October 4, 2010

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?
Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?

Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.
Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.
So, was i strengthening the story of me ? 
Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)
Was it also something else ?
Yes, but i'm not sure just what.

It was happening and that means just that. It was happening. 

please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.

you're not doing it.

Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done; 
the key is: you're not doing it.  Suzanne Foxton

i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'. 
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening. 

it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.