a subtle-yet-undeniable peace

If your pause is relaxed and significant enough, you will immediately discern a subtle-yet-undeniable peace and spaciousness from which manifest-existence arises.  Rodney Stevens


Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)


a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness

coming home...

Some equanimity has returned... the going with 'the flow' is back today. A sense of peace but also some excitement to be 'on the verge'.
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)


not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high

another day and still seeking

Another day and with the main focus on this mind and this identity but still trapped in duality. As the mood swings down it seems harder to 'just flow'.
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.

tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego

ha! it's still there...

after a phone call to my mum this morning (she is sick and lonely and 1500km from where i am) frustration expressed itself as anger (towards her and my brother)
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.


knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace

yesterday at Bobs

i went back to Bobs yesterday for the Sunday meeting. i wasn't going to go, but after attending a computer market i found myself half way there and at the right time. No decision - circumstances said go. So i did.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really  good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.

i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)


when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.

awake in the night

i woke sometime in the night, happy to contemplate beingness.
i composed a haiku, believing i would remember it this morning.
now i can't.

This brings up the question for me 'what is remembering?'
the word implies to rejoin a severed member (limb)
to bring it back into memory. to make it a present thought. to massage the mind.
Knowing that it is somewhere but not in the conscious mind opens up the mind to awareness of not mind. Hmm...
is it in unconscious mind or is it further, deeper... ?


pull it from a dream
knowing it was there but not
re-membering it

honesty

Perhaps you understand this intellectually, but are
unable to use it. If this is the case, you may not be
looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, or with a deep
enough desire to let go of your limitations. Lester Levenson


i'm sure the desire is there (although this mind could fool me here too)
 so can only assume that this mind is fooling with the truth or honesty.
maybe going back to the original enquiry "who am i?" and check for honesty.

desire for the truth
honestly facing ego
should open me up

Being consciously aware of being conscious while the various activities of mind go on is a key element. Gilbert Schultz

this mind experiences being conscious of itself about 50% of the time. The rest of the time it is 'lost' in the content of itself.

Once you know who you are you cease to believe in who you currently think you are and you will then be dealing in reality. And, then your whole understanding will re-align itself in truth, instead of illusion. Roy Townsend

i must be still believing some reality to the i that i thought i was.The one i thought i had seen through. i really believe that i don't know who i am. That this mind is capable of fooling itself into believing anything (probably a survival technique)

But still only vague impressions of reality. (indeed my mind could  be feeding these to me to keep me quiet)

here, lost, who am i?
am i the i that i think?
clearly not, you fool!

no longer seeking

interestingly Bob referred to those 'self realised' people as those that were no longer seeking.
Well, although i am not 'self realised', i am no longer seeking. The meeting tonight left me with the distinct impression that there are no more questions i need to ask.
Now it's just the interesting game of continuing to do what is in front of me while noticing the old habits of emotional reaction as they arise.
i am content to reside in the 'now' of events.
i may or may not get 'cooked' but it is out of my control. I am willing, i am hopeful, i am accepting of whatever eventuates. If nothing changes from where i currently am, then life is still very good.

here, now, life is good.
come springtime and knowing is,
i'll still chop the wood.

portals

Emptiness can never be emptied of emptiness, nor can it be filled by emptiness. With that concept cancelled out, only the wordless thoughtless indescribable emptiness remains. Sailor Bob

I think that this is a portal.

My mind turns inside out trying to encompass this one. The fullness (excuse the pun) or completeness of this concept overflows to beyond concept. It's a touch more than reason.

Mark (last night at Sailor Bobs) touched on another portal for me.

(if i can drag it back from it's dream like place) He mentioned acceptance and the fact that (although acceptance is not the issue and is part of duality) acceptance can only be (exist) on the canvas of awareness. (my paraphrase)

or the image of acceptance can only be in the mirror of knowing.

Trust the knowing is there. Now relax and it will show itself through the fog of thoughts.

how easily i
tumble into the vortex
of thought. Just watch it.

the subtlety

The subtlety of the space between thoughts...
the fragility of the mindless place...
the narrowness of the portal to emptiness...
the fullness of the heart welcoming...
the inclusion of the gathering in of vital energy...
the collection of the focus of calmness...

the letting of 'what is' just be...

abide in peacefulness.

thoughts arising

i woke up this morning seeing thoughts arising.
It didn't continue with that clarity, though it did continue sometime in the background and sometime in the foreground.


thoughts rise, reaction.
then observation occurs
now humour is here.

acceptance (more Sailor Bob)

i was going along thinking that the best not doing i could do was total acceptance of 'what is'
Then Bob said (my paraphrase) that if there is acceptance then there is also rejection. Boingg... of course.
The acceptance that is not rejection isn't pure observation. Seeing doesn't involve the value judgement of 'ok' or 'not ok'. Seeing is just seeing.

i want, i don't want
somewhere in between
awareness resides

glimpses

It's my mind that insists on proof.
have i had moments of uncovered seeing.
maybe i have had the results of this rather than this directly...
Certainly there have been times when solutions have emerged from somewhere with a flavour of wisdom.
The removal of emotion (judgement) from a reaction certainly opens it up to clearer possibilities.
Flowing fits in here somewhere. Flow requires no obstacle (resistance) Thought (that is identified with) can only be resistance.  Thought that is observed objectively as just another stimulus in the environment doesn't offer resistance.

glimpses from the verge.
is it possible to see
being or seeing?

thoughts (after reading some Sailor Bob)

Thoughts arise. Thoughts have no part in who i am. Thoughts are just a movie on the screen of this mind/body. This screen displays them as unique but nevertheless they are as incidental as the form of the  body or the shape of a rock.
Seeing without valuation (judgement), just like a camera is only possible if all thought (history) is also observed (like a thought camera) and therefore doesn't contaminate the seeing.

how automatic
the judgment of everything.
seeing it, kills it.

arrived in Melbourne

spent time explaining Advaita to nephew Josh.
That carried me somewhere.
We had watched a show on television called Life wherein they showed an event where flowers in one part of the world opened at the right time for butterflys from another part of the world to come and pollinate them. My mind blew with the recognition of the synchronicity. From that i had a sense of filaments flowing from me into the ground and somewhere else in the world those same filaments rising up into what is usually considered a separate something.

the whole everything
from nothing to completeness
connected to me

the wonder of innocence

i'm in Sydney for my grandson's first birthday.
Seeing him without a sense of i is certainly a portal.
Oh, how i yearn for the fresh view of the world each moment brings to him....
Certainly his innocence seems like home to me. How sad that the whole world doesn't operate from such a place. That is heaven!

My eleven year old grandson, on the other hand has so lost himself in emotion that he had a fight at school and got himself suspended for some days. my compassion abounds for both of them for they have both beem home for me.

If all is being and all (things ) are an expression of being then even the smallest (experience) is so. Everything i do, think, feel, don't do, don't think, don't feel are also this. this expression i call me is simply a limited perspective of this particular expression of being.
my yearning is to open up the limited perspective to include all...

i know the grass grows
i just can't see the growing
start the lawnmower

is there an attitude that facilitates 'awakening' ?

things are flattening out a bit at the moment. Spent the morning at a funeral where it was easy to remember ...
then spent the rest of the day driving without much remembering.
Seems i need to read for inspiration. Hah!, Who need to read ? to get into an anticipatory mood ?
My mind wants a certain kind of stimulation then my body feels the right kind of excitement. To step back and see this (with my mind ) gives me (my mind) the impression of objectivity. Of course it is just a replay of what has already happened, so obviously this is also just a mind construct. Still it leaves me (my body) with the feeling of satisfaction that I am not lost in the content of thought.

When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being,
which is who we really are
Nirmala
i can DO nothing. i can try to remember that i am. no, i can welcome the remembering when it occurs. (remembering = mind awareness - little 'a' awareness. Not the Awareness of Being)
This is still the mind, BUT, maybe it's an entrance to a portal for Being ???


last night i was here
today i am here, but now
here is not here, where?

words

21:42:22

what will come out tonight?

A yearning for silence.

The time for words is finished. Partly because they don't/ can't do it. But mostly because they seem a waste of time/effort now.

Words are the trap that keeps me identified with that mind construction called I/me.

They are still there – words. They saved me, gave me an identity when I needed it to live in the world. But now they are just vehicles. Transmitters of concepts. Good for communication (of things that language encompasses) But they are useless for anything earlier than their own birth.

Have a deep respect for the space that the body appears in. Whenever you remember, just be aware of this space. Wherever you are, space is exactly, exactly the same. There is no centre to space and no circumference either. Same with Awareness. That is why the ancients called it ‘space-like awareness’. You cannot separate awareness from space. In fact you cannot separate anything from anything else – it is ONE. 

Gilbert Schultz

I didn't remember that space much today. Working with other people makes it easy to get lost in the content of thought.

All I can do is return to cognition of that space when it occurs to me.

I am here, no-where.

I am neither I nor here.

Am is more than I.

Be-ing-ness. Am-ing-ness

23:31:59

Feeling helpless in the face of this experience is a surrender to 'what is', accepting whatever life dishes out to me, even though I know it is only a limited view of the 'seeing-knowing' that I believe is my source (everything).

Jenny told me tonight that I was behaving like a 'born again' again.(the above does sound a little religious...)

If being is everything, then every thing is part of being. But being doesn't have parts because it is everything. So, the idea of part of being is/can only be a mental construct. An idea. An illusion.

So all that exists is everything. Nothing less. Anything less is an impossibility.

I, as a separate something, cannot exist. But I do exist, so if not something separate then . . .

it's a rich spring night

in the autumn of my life

yum, seasons are great!

drunk on something.

I got told I was behaving insensitive to others feelings and that it was religious and I was going weird again.

I was being boorish about how good life is for me. (I think I corrected someone when she said that something was terrible and I pointed out the good side of it. It would have been better to think and not say...)

I am still having some great moods, easily accepting whatever comes along seeing it all as a story of my own (minds) production.

Is patience a matter of not waiting (for future) ? Of course the obvious question here is “who is being patient. Well the obvious answer here is This concept my mind calls me that occupies so much of my attention that I can only think about Seeing.

When I look for the I (that can only think about Seeing) I (that looks) only finds thoughts with an identity called I. The I (looker)can only see the I (that is seen) if it is greater than the I (that is seen)

Seeing this should generate a doorway.

It doesn't!

So obviously I am still identified with an I of fictional nature.

Impatience is rife

Why won't the covers depart

they're off, you fool. Look

See Seek Seeker

See ker

14/09/10 23:08:00

I grok the resistance that seeking is.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state

13/09/10 21:11:09

looking at the past posts I realise that it is all mental stuff.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state is (perhaps) even more revealing.

A noticeable change in recent weeks (since discovering advaita) is that any emotional response from me is 'hollow', without the out of control outburst that use to be present.

Another very noticeable thing is some great moods. A sigh, “isn't the world wonderful.”

Something else is the easy acceptance of what ever situation arises.

There is a background feeling of “everything is alright”

There is a definite 'feeling' of progress, even though I know that is a mental construct.

when i create world

everything's as it should be

ha, surprise, surprise.

my current understanding is ...

Where am I now?

12/09/10 20:01:07

my current understanding is as follows;

All that Is (Awareness/God) is all there is.

Therefore everything is an expression of this.

Like a wave is a temporary, unique expression of the ocean, this form (body) is a temporary, unique expression of All that Is. (as the actual ocean and wave are) but in the metaphor the wave can't know the completeness of the ocean, though it may “know” that it is part of something far greater than itself.

We are promised by those self-realised people that there is a “knowing” that comes with a re-cognisance of something we once knew (before we identified with a “me” story about 2yrs old). Unity or Oneness with All that Is. Not a gaining of it but a recognition of it as already existent, always present (even though dualistic language can't say it accurately)

As the present moment is the only one that can be related to in real time (the past is only memory and the future is fantasy) time is also a product of the mind. The illusion of time passing is a convenient tool for managing a life in form (especially as most other forms believe absolutely in the “reality” of time.

To dive down between the cracks of my time experience, hoping for a glimpse of direct experience is as close to not doing, but being, as this mind can conceptualise.
Oh, and labeling comes up. Well not just labeling but the value judgments that seem inherent in giving something a name.
Even to describe something is difficult without value judgments and anyway describing something is a function of memory recall and so a mental process. Observation on the other hand is seeing without the mental interference. This would be awareness? I might also see the arising of my thoughts in labeling and the associated judgments - with out judgment if seeing is direct.

Summer is coming

but all seasons are here now.

wonder-fullness, aye?

haiku

12/09/10 16:52:19

Seeing the reason,

doesn't help me to partake.

Stop looking for it!

a response to Roy's email

Is the mind aware?

11/09/10 22:45:24

This  mind (my mind) calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it occurres (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to replay a memory enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. When it is lost in the processes. 

Hmmm, maybe being (mentally) conscious (as opposed to unconscious mental activity) is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) 

Of course i am not talking about Consciousness or Awareness.

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.

My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.

No separate god, only god.

I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.

Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.

… belief and acceptance

this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea

Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.

Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer (i) is also an illusion.

The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.

Yes, I understand this and also have been practising (doing) total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. It is mostly a natural/automatic thing for me now. (well about 60% of the time (?)

The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.

I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.

I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my mind processes.

The understanding comes from realising

How to realise ? When i Know that it is beyond doing.

Take a step back!

How? Mentally? ( lol )

Be careful not to make the ego the enemy

it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.

You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.

No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing (that can't be done...)

And, does awareness have any qualities,

hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.

quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?

Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.

silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.

A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )

perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

patience is the key

just watch is all i can do

come on springtime!

Is the mind aware? 11/09/10 22:45:24 my mind calls awareness the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it all the while pretending that it is happening in real time. Being able to replay enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all. My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for. No separate god, only god. I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it. Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions. I have no trouble accepting this. … belief and acceptance this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”. Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion. The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do. Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it. I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present. I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery. The understanding comes from realising How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing. Take a step back! How? Mentally? ( lol ) Be careful not to make the ego the enemy it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions. You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it. No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...) And, does awareness have any qualities, hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality. quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside? Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic. Is the mind aware? a response to Roys email.

Is the mind aware?

11/09/10 22:45:24

this(my) mind calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to recall  enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind)

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.
My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.
No separate god, only god.
I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.
Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.
… belief and acceptance
this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea
Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.
Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion.
The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.
Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions.
The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.
I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.
I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery.
The understanding comes from realising
How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing.
Take a step back!
How? Mentally? ( lol )
Be careful not to make the ego the enemy
it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.
You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.
No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...)
And, does awareness have any qualities,
hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.
quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?
Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.
silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.
A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )
perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

last night

Where am I now?

Fri, 10 Sep 10 23:37

the dawning realization (acceptance) that this is only a knowing that occurs from time to time leaves me with a sense of disappointment and the feeling that I already have that and won't it be a bummer it the anticipated bliss doesn't happen.

Even the promise that the “knowing” will stay with me constantly (and thus save me from self punishment - resistance to what is.) is acceptable.

I see that this is the mind amusing itself with “separate entity syndrome”

I see that the anticipation is a way to generate pleasant feelings in this body, that this mind is hooked an experience of a bigger sensation.

A part of the back of my mind teasingly beckons with understanding. It says “over here is the doorway to Awareness” but I know that it also is mind amusing itself and can see that it is all the same stuff – the mind and it's a-musings and the world and all of it's forms. They are all expressions of the same energy stuff. Perhaps ordered, perhaps chaotic, perhaps scripted (though I doubt it).

Reading Sailor Bobs book Presence – Awareness – Just This leaves me with a feeling that there might be little “value” in seeing him in person but I can see that here the mind is fleeing from confrontation that he surely will bring to bear on any stupid games I am succumbing to.

Will dawn bring me peace?

Just uncover it, you dolt

it's daylight outside

Sailor Bobs tonight

just this nothing else
abide without any thought
you'll cook instantly

first blog production

OK, the last post wasn't written for a blog.
These posts From the Verge arose from a prospect that a future book might point towards (?) nowhere for those who can relate to this style of communication.
It would seem that spontaneous, compressed, fearless expression might be the most helpful.
note; the use of I or i is meaningful for me.

so here goes;
where am i now?
still buzzing.
The friend who I spent the day with doing computer help (last post) asked my wife if I was a "born again" christian (or something to that effect) So he noticed the "glow"
still prone to raising the voice a bit in response to frustration, but, it is different. Seems hollow somehow. More witnessing - maybe...
had a smoke tonight - noticed the downers more. actually brought me down a bit (was still good though) I think I like the buzz of the last few days better. Similar in sensation (good feeling Sternum region - different to the feelings emanating from the same region in last post)
had moments of imagining that I was seeing(?) some space between thoughts. can't be sure. visual thoughts can seem more like spaces than verbal thoughts.
The seeing-labeling thoughts were clearly seen as i was driving to town this morning.
the impetus to write has dissipated, so i will see if i can summarize the day with a haiku...
new lawn growing there
lost again but not complete
progress(?) to nowhere?


vince (still)

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wakeup call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying my ego by wanting this?

updates from the verge (of every/no-where)

Where(?) am I now?

I have just finished a busy day with a friend helping with computer issues.

Whereas i (my mind?) has been somewhat objectively aware of it's own thinking processes and of the body's state of comfort on many instances over the past couple of weeks, today there was no awareness until a moment ago (when reactivity wasn't the primary behaviour) (maybe reactivity to mind/thought has replaced reactivity to external stimulus)

The last few days have delivered (?) some extended periods of wonderful good humour, to the extent that the sensation was almost a high.

Golf in springtime, now.

body enjoys the feeling.

Who? knows the body feeling.

This mind has an almost cocky self (?) assurance that it understands the concept (?) of observing (awareness-ing) “the world” from a perspective (place ?) of objective (non judgemental) perception.

But still, seeking beckons.

A yearning the body experiences as a physical sensation from the sternum region. Not unpleasant, but nagging.

Being born to life

in my body's autumn

wonder-full it is.

Some moments of recognition that have occurred;

To relax in the peace of acceptance.

To observe the mind tentatively thinking that it knows the “way” the “world” works.

To allow appropriate decisions/action to arise.

To teach/help/give/share

a chest bursting explosion

it must be ego.