the wonder of innocence

i'm in Sydney for my grandson's first birthday.
Seeing him without a sense of i is certainly a portal.
Oh, how i yearn for the fresh view of the world each moment brings to him....
Certainly his innocence seems like home to me. How sad that the whole world doesn't operate from such a place. That is heaven!

My eleven year old grandson, on the other hand has so lost himself in emotion that he had a fight at school and got himself suspended for some days. my compassion abounds for both of them for they have both beem home for me.

If all is being and all (things ) are an expression of being then even the smallest (experience) is so. Everything i do, think, feel, don't do, don't think, don't feel are also this. this expression i call me is simply a limited perspective of this particular expression of being.
my yearning is to open up the limited perspective to include all...

i know the grass grows
i just can't see the growing
start the lawnmower

is there an attitude that facilitates 'awakening' ?

things are flattening out a bit at the moment. Spent the morning at a funeral where it was easy to remember ...
then spent the rest of the day driving without much remembering.
Seems i need to read for inspiration. Hah!, Who need to read ? to get into an anticipatory mood ?
My mind wants a certain kind of stimulation then my body feels the right kind of excitement. To step back and see this (with my mind ) gives me (my mind) the impression of objectivity. Of course it is just a replay of what has already happened, so obviously this is also just a mind construct. Still it leaves me (my body) with the feeling of satisfaction that I am not lost in the content of thought.

When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being,
which is who we really are
Nirmala
i can DO nothing. i can try to remember that i am. no, i can welcome the remembering when it occurs. (remembering = mind awareness - little 'a' awareness. Not the Awareness of Being)
This is still the mind, BUT, maybe it's an entrance to a portal for Being ???


last night i was here
today i am here, but now
here is not here, where?

words

21:42:22

what will come out tonight?

A yearning for silence.

The time for words is finished. Partly because they don't/ can't do it. But mostly because they seem a waste of time/effort now.

Words are the trap that keeps me identified with that mind construction called I/me.

They are still there – words. They saved me, gave me an identity when I needed it to live in the world. But now they are just vehicles. Transmitters of concepts. Good for communication (of things that language encompasses) But they are useless for anything earlier than their own birth.

Have a deep respect for the space that the body appears in. Whenever you remember, just be aware of this space. Wherever you are, space is exactly, exactly the same. There is no centre to space and no circumference either. Same with Awareness. That is why the ancients called it ‘space-like awareness’. You cannot separate awareness from space. In fact you cannot separate anything from anything else – it is ONE. 

Gilbert Schultz

I didn't remember that space much today. Working with other people makes it easy to get lost in the content of thought.

All I can do is return to cognition of that space when it occurs to me.

I am here, no-where.

I am neither I nor here.

Am is more than I.

Be-ing-ness. Am-ing-ness

23:31:59

Feeling helpless in the face of this experience is a surrender to 'what is', accepting whatever life dishes out to me, even though I know it is only a limited view of the 'seeing-knowing' that I believe is my source (everything).

Jenny told me tonight that I was behaving like a 'born again' again.(the above does sound a little religious...)

If being is everything, then every thing is part of being. But being doesn't have parts because it is everything. So, the idea of part of being is/can only be a mental construct. An idea. An illusion.

So all that exists is everything. Nothing less. Anything less is an impossibility.

I, as a separate something, cannot exist. But I do exist, so if not something separate then . . .

it's a rich spring night

in the autumn of my life

yum, seasons are great!

drunk on something.

I got told I was behaving insensitive to others feelings and that it was religious and I was going weird again.

I was being boorish about how good life is for me. (I think I corrected someone when she said that something was terrible and I pointed out the good side of it. It would have been better to think and not say...)

I am still having some great moods, easily accepting whatever comes along seeing it all as a story of my own (minds) production.

Is patience a matter of not waiting (for future) ? Of course the obvious question here is “who is being patient. Well the obvious answer here is This concept my mind calls me that occupies so much of my attention that I can only think about Seeing.

When I look for the I (that can only think about Seeing) I (that looks) only finds thoughts with an identity called I. The I (looker)can only see the I (that is seen) if it is greater than the I (that is seen)

Seeing this should generate a doorway.

It doesn't!

So obviously I am still identified with an I of fictional nature.

Impatience is rife

Why won't the covers depart

they're off, you fool. Look

See Seek Seeker

See ker

14/09/10 23:08:00

I grok the resistance that seeking is.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state

13/09/10 21:11:09

looking at the past posts I realise that it is all mental stuff.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state is (perhaps) even more revealing.

A noticeable change in recent weeks (since discovering advaita) is that any emotional response from me is 'hollow', without the out of control outburst that use to be present.

Another very noticeable thing is some great moods. A sigh, “isn't the world wonderful.”

Something else is the easy acceptance of what ever situation arises.

There is a background feeling of “everything is alright”

There is a definite 'feeling' of progress, even though I know that is a mental construct.

when i create world

everything's as it should be

ha, surprise, surprise.

my current understanding is ...

Where am I now?

12/09/10 20:01:07

my current understanding is as follows;

All that Is (Awareness/God) is all there is.

Therefore everything is an expression of this.

Like a wave is a temporary, unique expression of the ocean, this form (body) is a temporary, unique expression of All that Is. (as the actual ocean and wave are) but in the metaphor the wave can't know the completeness of the ocean, though it may “know” that it is part of something far greater than itself.

We are promised by those self-realised people that there is a “knowing” that comes with a re-cognisance of something we once knew (before we identified with a “me” story about 2yrs old). Unity or Oneness with All that Is. Not a gaining of it but a recognition of it as already existent, always present (even though dualistic language can't say it accurately)

As the present moment is the only one that can be related to in real time (the past is only memory and the future is fantasy) time is also a product of the mind. The illusion of time passing is a convenient tool for managing a life in form (especially as most other forms believe absolutely in the “reality” of time.

To dive down between the cracks of my time experience, hoping for a glimpse of direct experience is as close to not doing, but being, as this mind can conceptualise.
Oh, and labeling comes up. Well not just labeling but the value judgments that seem inherent in giving something a name.
Even to describe something is difficult without value judgments and anyway describing something is a function of memory recall and so a mental process. Observation on the other hand is seeing without the mental interference. This would be awareness? I might also see the arising of my thoughts in labeling and the associated judgments - with out judgment if seeing is direct.

Summer is coming

but all seasons are here now.

wonder-fullness, aye?

haiku

12/09/10 16:52:19

Seeing the reason,

doesn't help me to partake.

Stop looking for it!

a response to Roy's email

Is the mind aware?

11/09/10 22:45:24

This  mind (my mind) calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it occurres (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to replay a memory enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. When it is lost in the processes. 

Hmmm, maybe being (mentally) conscious (as opposed to unconscious mental activity) is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) 

Of course i am not talking about Consciousness or Awareness.

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.

My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.

No separate god, only god.

I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.

Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.

… belief and acceptance

this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea

Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.

Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer (i) is also an illusion.

The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.

Yes, I understand this and also have been practising (doing) total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. It is mostly a natural/automatic thing for me now. (well about 60% of the time (?)

The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.

I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.

I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my mind processes.

The understanding comes from realising

How to realise ? When i Know that it is beyond doing.

Take a step back!

How? Mentally? ( lol )

Be careful not to make the ego the enemy

it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.

You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.

No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing (that can't be done...)

And, does awareness have any qualities,

hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.

quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?

Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.

silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.

A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )

perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

patience is the key

just watch is all i can do

come on springtime!

Is the mind aware? 11/09/10 22:45:24 my mind calls awareness the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it all the while pretending that it is happening in real time. Being able to replay enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind) It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all. My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for. No separate god, only god. I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it. Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions. I have no trouble accepting this. … belief and acceptance this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”. Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion. The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do. Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions. The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it. I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present. I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery. The understanding comes from realising How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing. Take a step back! How? Mentally? ( lol ) Be careful not to make the ego the enemy it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions. You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it. No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...) And, does awareness have any qualities, hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality. quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside? Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic. Is the mind aware? a response to Roys email.

Is the mind aware?

11/09/10 22:45:24

this(my) mind calls it awareness when the process of remembering a recent event and then speculating about it (all the while pretending that it is happening in real time.) Being able to recall  enables a sense of objectively which adds to the illusion of awareness. This awareness is a vastly different state to that where it appears that the minds processes are not conscious. Hmmm, maybe being conscious is analogous with awareness. (to the mind)

It is seen that there is only one-ness with no separation at all.
My mind has no trouble believing this – it's the seeing I yearn for.
No separate god, only god.
I believe this too. Jane Roberts' Seth turned me onto this years ago. It instantly resonated with me when I read it.
Everything is made of awareness – no me, no-one making decisions.
I have no trouble accepting this.
… belief and acceptance
this is a state where the mind has no apparent conflict attached to an idea
Buddha said “choices are made, deeds are done but there is no doer thereof”.
Obviously if my only claim to an I is a mental process tricking itself then the doer is also an illusion.
The mind is the wrong tool for the job, and will keep you distracted but you can only do what you do.
Yes, I understand this and also have been practising total acceptance with awareness (of the acceptance and any habitual residual emotional reactions.
The understanding comes from realising that the real you is watching the whole human experience. You are not the human or the human experience but the awareness that is aware of it.
I can understand this as a concept. Acceptance and belief are also present.
I also understand that my understanding and acceptance and belief are my minds trickery.
The understanding comes from realising
How to realise ? Knowing that it is beyond doing.
Take a step back!
How? Mentally? ( lol )
Be careful not to make the ego the enemy
it's not. I came to terms with my ego long ago (did a lot of pop psychology – encounter groups, psychotherapy etc.) and now really appreciate how it has always had the best intentions – in fact made survival bearable and even enjoyable sometimes. It made a lot of stuff ups with those good intentions.
You are experiencing directly (since in the end there is nothing separate) but you are not the experience nor the human that generates the experience but are the awareness of it.
No trouble accepting the logic of this. Do also believe it. ( it still doesn't help with the doing that can't be done...)
And, does awareness have any qualities,
hmmm... seems like it would have except for the logic that says that qualities can only exist in duality.
quantities or dimensions? How big is it? Where does it reside?
Omnipresent, omniscience, omnipotent – no problems, it fit's in with my desire to believe in magic.
silence’. There the mind can’t function and awareness is seen directly.
A few years of Vipassana with one or two ten day retreats per year and I still haven't experienced silence. ( I guess we are not really talking about silence as an experience here. )
perhaps this silence is a quality of awareness. The silence that arises.

last night

Where am I now?

Fri, 10 Sep 10 23:37

the dawning realization (acceptance) that this is only a knowing that occurs from time to time leaves me with a sense of disappointment and the feeling that I already have that and won't it be a bummer it the anticipated bliss doesn't happen.

Even the promise that the “knowing” will stay with me constantly (and thus save me from self punishment - resistance to what is.) is acceptable.

I see that this is the mind amusing itself with “separate entity syndrome”

I see that the anticipation is a way to generate pleasant feelings in this body, that this mind is hooked an experience of a bigger sensation.

A part of the back of my mind teasingly beckons with understanding. It says “over here is the doorway to Awareness” but I know that it also is mind amusing itself and can see that it is all the same stuff – the mind and it's a-musings and the world and all of it's forms. They are all expressions of the same energy stuff. Perhaps ordered, perhaps chaotic, perhaps scripted (though I doubt it).

Reading Sailor Bobs book Presence – Awareness – Just This leaves me with a feeling that there might be little “value” in seeing him in person but I can see that here the mind is fleeing from confrontation that he surely will bring to bear on any stupid games I am succumbing to.

Will dawn bring me peace?

Just uncover it, you dolt

it's daylight outside

Sailor Bobs tonight

just this nothing else
abide without any thought
you'll cook instantly

first blog production

OK, the last post wasn't written for a blog.
These posts From the Verge arose from a prospect that a future book might point towards (?) nowhere for those who can relate to this style of communication.
It would seem that spontaneous, compressed, fearless expression might be the most helpful.
note; the use of I or i is meaningful for me.

so here goes;
where am i now?
still buzzing.
The friend who I spent the day with doing computer help (last post) asked my wife if I was a "born again" christian (or something to that effect) So he noticed the "glow"
still prone to raising the voice a bit in response to frustration, but, it is different. Seems hollow somehow. More witnessing - maybe...
had a smoke tonight - noticed the downers more. actually brought me down a bit (was still good though) I think I like the buzz of the last few days better. Similar in sensation (good feeling Sternum region - different to the feelings emanating from the same region in last post)
had moments of imagining that I was seeing(?) some space between thoughts. can't be sure. visual thoughts can seem more like spaces than verbal thoughts.
The seeing-labeling thoughts were clearly seen as i was driving to town this morning.
the impetus to write has dissipated, so i will see if i can summarize the day with a haiku...
new lawn growing there
lost again but not complete
progress(?) to nowhere?


vince (still)

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wakeup call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying my ego by wanting this?

updates from the verge (of every/no-where)

Where(?) am I now?

I have just finished a busy day with a friend helping with computer issues.

Whereas i (my mind?) has been somewhat objectively aware of it's own thinking processes and of the body's state of comfort on many instances over the past couple of weeks, today there was no awareness until a moment ago (when reactivity wasn't the primary behaviour) (maybe reactivity to mind/thought has replaced reactivity to external stimulus)

The last few days have delivered (?) some extended periods of wonderful good humour, to the extent that the sensation was almost a high.

Golf in springtime, now.

body enjoys the feeling.

Who? knows the body feeling.

This mind has an almost cocky self (?) assurance that it understands the concept (?) of observing (awareness-ing) “the world” from a perspective (place ?) of objective (non judgemental) perception.

But still, seeking beckons.

A yearning the body experiences as a physical sensation from the sternum region. Not unpleasant, but nagging.

Being born to life

in my body's autumn

wonder-full it is.

Some moments of recognition that have occurred;

To relax in the peace of acceptance.

To observe the mind tentatively thinking that it knows the “way” the “world” works.

To allow appropriate decisions/action to arise.

To teach/help/give/share

a chest bursting explosion

it must be ego.