Jed's suggestion for waking up.

Jed McKenna in Spiritual Enlightenment the Damnedest Thing,  right at the end says you have to be crazy to want enlightenment, but if you do he suggests combining Spiritual Autolosis with fervent prayer.
Autolosis is THE BREAKDOWN OF TISSUE IN THE BODY (SELF-DIGESTION) 
The process of Spiritual Autolosis it to start writing trying to define the truth by eliminating the false.
Start anywhere because it all leads to the same place. Who am I? is a somewhat traditional question to start with.
The prayer is for the courage to find and illuminate the false. Write Pray Write Pray etc.
So here goes (a start)
Who am I ?
There is no point in describing personal characteristics or history because characteristics change and history is just how it is remembered. Neither is the label of my name me, as i can change my name and still be me. (most married women change their name) 
Am i my thoughts about myself? Well, considering that they change frequently (some times just because of a different mood - if i have success or failure etc) - scratch the mind as me.
What is left ? 
Here is another question recommended by Jed. 
What can i say is unequivocally true.
That i exist ? There is a mind/body and there is awareness of that mind/body.
Is that awareness the animating force of the body ? Does that animating force survive the death of the mind/body?
It certainly survives the death of the mind each night in deep sleep.


Some of my logic above is a little shaky or incomplete.
Why (for example) can't i be my mind just because it changes ?
If by my mind i mean the thoughts i have, then tell me this what thought can i have that doesn't instantly become memory? By the time i realise that i have thought something, the thought is finished. It no longer exists except as a memory of that thought.
But what thought actually happens as a thought? 
i have thoughts that are verbal in nature and others that are visual and others that are movies with sound and others that are much more vague and are more of an impression of something than a description.
What did i start the previous sentence with ? It was "i have thoughts.."
It may only be language or convention to say that somebody is having something, implying ownership as well as doership. It is obvious that i am greater than my thoughts because i 'have' them.
The logic is often used that the eyes can't see themselves (without the help of a mirror, and even then they are not seeing themselves but only a reflection of themselves. To then jump to the logic of 'therefore it is also impossible for the mind to be aware of itself doesn't ring true for me. maybe the mind has the ability to (figuratively speaking) generate eyes on stalks that can turn back and see itself ???
Hmm, there is something smelly here.
This exercise is to expose the false but instead i am like the cop trying to prove a hunch right.
A lot of what i am saying is my take on what resonated with me as i read/viewed/heard it.
The following is something i have reasoned in the past and probably can be called a heartfelt belief. 


i can only have beliefs. i can't actually know anything. 


Even to say i exist is questionable. Try this on for size...
In a dream i believe i am real. My belief is as strong the belief i have now that i am awake and typing this. But how do i know that i am not dreaming this.
i can only know that i am dreaming this after i wake up. 
i can't know that i am NOT dreaming this.
Wait a minute, when i was a kid i dreamt that i woke up and went to school then my mum woke  me up and told me to get ready for school. 
Logic tells me that it is feasible that if that happened in a dream then i might have been dreaming that i had a dream. 
So you see, it is impossible to actually know anything.
Do i know this ? Obviously if the above is true and complete i can only believe this. 
Even with this logic, it is always possible for somebody to come along and point out a flaw in this whole line of thinking.
So, on the assumption that i can't know anything, i can only talk from a position of believing...


A collection of beliefs constitute a story. 
If i live by my beliefs, by my story, then i am not relating to reality but to my story. 
Logic then says to relate to reality (we'll discuss what reality is in a moment) i have to have no beliefs. 
It is easy to see how beliefs influence our idea of what something actually is.
Judgements are born of beliefs. We react to our judgements (likes/dislikes, good/bad etc)
If we are reacting to judgement we certainly aren't reacting to the actual.


So, how do we react to the actual (reality?)
Pain is actual but suffering because of the pain is an overlay that the mind adds to the pain. e.g. after cutting myself, i think "i might bleed to death" or "it might get infected" or "i shouldn't have
done that" or "i am stupid for doing that" 
Relating to the actual would go something like this; 
"There is pain, but not enough to take a pain killer. There is an open wound and some disinfectant will stop any possible infection. There is a lesson here about how i handled that knife - next time i use it i will be more careful"
The mental overlays come automatically because of habit. (which probably started from watching our parents or peers react that way)


The Zen koan, 'if a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there then does it make a sound?'
is a good example. 
An answer might  be something like this (koans usually don't have any answer - just more questions) "It doesn't matter, i don't know if a sound was made. i do know that i didn't hear it so it isn't actual for me."
Just like the tree, the world is only actual when i interact with it. My thoughts about it are actual thoughts but not the actual world. 


i don't know anything. i can only have beliefs. Beliefs are thoughts about... 
So in order to relate to the actual i have to relate without thought? 
Is this possible ?
i can't turn my thoughts off so that won't work for me, but i have experienced the situation where i see my thoughts before reaction takes place and i have a choice to ignore the thoughts because it is seen that they are habitual or conditioned thoughts and don't contribute to the actual situation i am relating to.


If i can't know anything and truth is what is left when all the falsities are removed, i might be in trouble.
Is the truth objectively true ? How do i know it to be true? (remember i can't know anything) 
This suggests that i can't know what is true or false.
Like the sound of the tree falling, it doesn't matter to me what is true or false. i just need to see each situation clearly enough not to overlay it with my thoughts or emotions (emotions are reactions to thoughts - you might call them physical thoughts)

Do you believe "you" (your personality) survives after physical death?

Do i believe my personality survives after physical death?
Do - is a verb 'to take action'
i - who ? my mind - my sense of me-ness.
believe - beliefs are concepts congruent with a world view.
my - ownership. i guess it has to be the mind who would own a belief.
personality - who ? from my perspective my personality is me.
survives - continues ? unchanged ??
after - after that which was before is still now. i imagine that time doesn't exist post body.
physical death - when the body is no longer animated by what ? That which we are discussing ?
So, to rephrase the question; Is there some activity by my mind of a holding on to a concept that feels right that characteristics of who i sense myself to be will continue in the 'now' that is ? when my body is worm food?


Does the animating force that leaves the body on death have any coherence ?
if it does then does it retain elements of the personality ?
if it doesn't then do any of the components of it retain elements of the personality ?


i want to shout YES! with great feeling, but i can't say how it is more than a concept that i like.
i have to come back to "i don't know", but i will live like i do know and the answer is yes because i know of no better way to 'be me'


i don't know who's me
but it no longer matters
i, me, you, us, ALL

my current belief state on a post body condition.

i like the idea of reincarnation but it doesn't sit quite logically for me as there hasn't been enough time in recorded history for the infinite number of lifetimes mentioned in the literature.
It has come to me (from my readings and musings) that the idea of an  infinite number of possible worlds arranged in a probability order existing in parallel makes more sense.
So, standing here/now i am confronted by an infinite number of possible worlds from which to choose to draw into my next current here/now. The ones closest to me (the highest probability factor) are the most similar to my current experience.
Each of these worlds is complete with everybody and everything and even contains a different version of this mind/body. (observe the different body chemistry and thought patterns in the world where i am happy as compared to the one where i am sad.)
So who/what is it that makes the choice of which next possible (most probable) moment to make actual ?
We could say that it is consciousness (my ? consciousness) or call it soul or even Soul. Regardless it is something that identifies with the 'me' parts of each world.
Although the above takes care of the time component we still have the problem of the space component. (it is a problem because it is part of the illusion - hmm, more on this later)
The ocean analogy takes care of this (i think - let's try it)
i am a wave. i have unique form. i change my shape but remain the same wave. i hit the shore, and die.
Each water molecule disperses back into the ocean. with tides and winds etc. they get spread from one end of the ocean to the other. If each of those water molecules can communicate with each other then the information (personality) that each contains is available to all (a hologram?) then it seems reasonable that any new wave formed with one of the above water molecules would from the perspective of said water molecule be a variation of the previous wave (of course made unique because of the combination of all the other water molecules) Said molecule in having the experience of the new wave would then communicate those new experiences back to all of the water molecules it shared the identity with as the original wave...
Which means that every molecule is enhanced by the enhancement of any one molecule.
The soul is a water molecule that now appears as part of a wave and now is part of the deepest ocean and now fish urine...
all at the same time (all at once), every where, (or is that never, no where)

i am every thing.
or is that 'i am no thing'?
or is it 'i am'

who am i ?

who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i
who
who am
who am i
am
am i
am i who
i
i who
i who am
who...

am i waiting ?

i believe i can't do anything to 'get' enlightened.
i believe it will 'happen' someday.
i believe that my lifelong obsession with 'transcendence' has some meaning.
i believe that i don't know anything. (any knowing i have is just belief - intense belief - but just belief)
i believe that my beliefs are the best story that i can invent (to live by) and that most people have very limiting stories.
i believe that if grace visits me then i am ready and willing.
i believe that grace will come in a form that daily life will deliver. (grasp the golden moment of opportunity as it races past)
i believe that there is a purpose for my 'awakening' (to write and teach - maybe!!)

is belief something
more than just entertainment?
i believe it is!

where am i now

seemingly nowhere, yet subtly somewhere.
it appears like some movement has occurred.
(of course appearance through the lens distortion of my desire...)
my interest is still alive and kicking, my earnestness is still earnest.

deceiving myself

I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people. I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me. My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams — like the lives of all men who stop deceiving themselves. Each man’s life represents the road toward himself, and attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path. No man has ever been entirely and completely himself. Yet each one strives to become that — one in an awkward, the other in a more intelligent way, each as best he can. Herman Hesse


"who stop deceiving themselves" this could be a key to the 'portal'
Whenever i have an opinion about myself (or the world) then i am deceiving myself into thinking that i 'know' something when clearly it is just a view that i hold for the moment.
The only way not to deceive myself is to know (hmmm,) that i know nothing. Everything becomes fresh and actual without the overlay of my opinion (knowing) or judgmental attitude.
The question then becomes 'how do i avoid the habit of thinking that i know anything?'
Is it just a matter of reminding myself everytime i realise that i had an opinion?
It is probably beyond me to do anything other than this.


Why am i lying
about what really matters ?
About who i am.

There is no need to move from where you are...

"In the land of no escape, things just are, everything is.
There is no need to move beyond what is here in front of me." Stephen Williamson
i stumbled over this mans blog today. How (re)freshing.
He also says; "If my definition of liberation presents itself as something that you want to seek, then don’t. Long for it perhaps, but do not seek. There is no need to move from where you are to where you want to be. Stay where you are.  Be who you are. Simply allow identification to slip away. The process is one of dissolving, not moving, grasping or reaching." (i took the liberty of fixing what i thought might be typos - here is his original post)
But the message to me is simple and profound, to accept my current state as the perfection that it is, and that it is just where i am on my evolutionary trajectory.
Enjoy the longing for enlightenment just as i might enjoy coffee or sex, while i am drinking coffee or having sex. (or indeed enjoy the desire for those things before they actually eventuate)


Appreciating
the expression of writing
right now, right here. YES!

The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
If you wish to see the truth
then hold no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike
is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood
the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.
The first stanza of The Great Way - Sengstan (Third Zen Patriarch)

This is brilliant. If there is any one thing that i could think of to allow peace into the world it would be having no preferences. i can hear people shouting "What about love. We must have love!" Well, i contend that 'real' love is total and complete acceptance of 'what is' without a desire to change it or keep it or take meaning for my idea of myself from it.
Doing it (?) however is another story. As i asked in a previous post, 'can allowing be done?'
Being aware of preferences as i am confronted with circumstances is all that is necessary to expose them and then i have a choice (do i really have a choice about anything?) to consider not having a like or dislike for it. To consider that whatever my idea of 'good' (or bad) is just that, my idea.
Just like my idea of myself is just that, my idea.
Thoughts, nothing more.
It is my reactions to those thoughts where 'reality' enters.
If i have no ideas of good or bad regarding anybody or anything then my reactions are not likely to provoke reactions in others. (but then again they will probably react to their own idea of what my reactions mean. Maybe this way of being has to be better understood before people are less likely to misinterpret lack of judgmentalism. )
So, if i intend to be aware of my predilections or aversions to what or who appears in front of me (or what i think about), perhaps that intent to be aware is all i can do? From that maybe something can grow...


have an intention,
to be aware of dis like.
then may be what is.

the ocean of me

i like the analogy of the ocean being a metaphor for consciousness (all that is) and a wave as a temporary manifestation of the whole being a metaphor for individual people (or souls).
i am sleeping in a caravan in Melbourne at the moment and each morning i wake to the sound of surf, which is strange as the nearest ocean is 70 kilometers away. Then i realised that it was the sound of the freeway which was only 1 km away.
My first reaction was to feel ripped off as the sound of surf is a 'good' sound and the sound of cars is a 'bad' sound. That was until i remembered that the difference between them isn't 'out there', it is in my mind.
Further to that, remembering that each car had at least 1 person in it and the total that made up the sound of surf is beyond my comprehension (i'm guessing hundreds of thousands) and they are really all me. (phew!)
This has been a bit of a theme for me since i have been here in Melbourne. The other day we drove to the bay (about 20 km), it took an hour and we never left the suburbs. Yesterday, i was having my morning poop and as i wiped my bum i flashed with awe on the fact that each day i wipe my bum 21 million times and that is just in Australia.

Each car is a wave
in the ocean of me.
Making sounds of surf

i can't give up - i can't not give up.

i can't give up the search, or more accurately i can't give up the wanting to attain liberation (the advaita cops will get me for that phraseology )
i can't choose what i want to want, or more accurately i can't choose to not want.
Just like i can't choose what my next thought will be.


i can not give up
the wanting to know reality
though it doesn't help

I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.

Buddha said:  'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.'  There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."

Maybe he (before realisation) obtained understanding, and post realisation knew the he from before was an illusion. So the emphasis was on the 'I' not obtaining.

i only think that
i am I until I dies
then i am not i

more ramblings...

what i imagine is that when itching arises, that the compulsion to scratch that arises will simply be observed and then casually dismissed as "inappropriate" to act on. That there won't be scratching as an outcome.
Currently, scratching almost always ensues.
what i imagine is that Seeing, when it is present (which i assume will be constant) contributes a space which allows intelligence (as opposed to emotional) reactions to occur.
what i believe is that both the above imaginings are just concepts.
what i imagine is that this existence only has 'reality' from inside this existence.
what i imagine is that when I 'wake up' that i will be in another existence that includes this one, and that this one will be 'seen' as a minor part of that new (to me/who?) existence and that from that perspective "i" will be seen as a figment of the imagination of the "i" that i imagine myself to be now.

i am so confused
about just who is confused
confusion's ok

a different kind of 'doing'

Abandon every attempt, just be; don't strive, don't struggle, let go every support, hold on to the blind sense of being, brushing off all else. This is enough. Nisargadatta Maharaj

You cannot control your way to freedom. You cannot concentrate your way to heaven. If you want to find it, see that the very idea of "someone who is in control" is a concept created by the mind, and lay it down. Don't touch it. If you touch it, it will bite you. Surrender is the ticket, and there is nowhere to get to. carson boyd

This is a different kind of 'doing'

Doing the 'not doing'.

Because of the habit of 'doing', an attentiveness (is that 'doing'?) is required until the habit of 'doing' is transformed into a habit of accepting everything that occurs with me. (is accepting 'doing'?) By habit i mean the spontaneous reaction. By reaction i mean action in response to... (hmm, i wonder, does an enlightened being react or just act ? If they see everything and everybody as themselves then i guess it is all just action. But then again, action implies a 'doing' which is (maybe) a contradiction to just 'being'. Oh, i don't know!)

i believe 'not knowing'

is a good place to reside

i'll just leave it there.

immense earnestness

For this [seeking Reality], you need a well-ordered and quiet life, peace of mind and immense earnestness. At every moment whatever comes to you unasked, comes from God and will surely help you, if you make the fullest use of it. It is only what you strive for, out of your own imagination and desire, that gives you trouble. Nisargadatta Maharaj
How does intent to reach 'self realisation' and immense earnestness manifest ?
If i keep intent alive and current, is that earnestness ?

if i want a lot
and keep the interest alive
is that earnestness ?

i thought i had paid for entry...

When you have allowed, attended and understood what seems to be within, you are freed. Katie Davis
i do not experience myself as free. Does this mean that i have not fulfilled all of the above ?
i imagine that i have, but the evidence says i haven't.
But still there is nothing to do.
Surrender to 'what is' sounds like doing. Is allowing a doing ?
Is accepting a doing ?
If i change from resisting to allowing, am i doing something?
If i change from not attending to allowing attention... (can i make attention or only intend it ?)
When i meditate (what i call meditation) i intend to keep attentive but become aware that i was lost in a dream - and then i am attentive again (until the next losing)
This same sequence occurs every day. In fact my whole life displays this sequence. i'm lost in a dream, i realise i have been lost and become attentive, until the next time i become attentive realising i was lost in a dream.
i have no judgemental-ism about this. (i do sometimes feel sadness at the frequency of it, so i guess some part of me says it shouldn't be) but  mainly i understand it to be just 'the way it is' and allow it (i really have no choice anyway)
hmmm, Peter Marjason says it beautifully, powerfully, succinctly - no choice.

i do, i don't do
i watch it all then accept
i do, i don't do.

it seems to me (who?)...

it seems to me that there IS an experience of a mind/body called i, but that for the enlightened one (pun intended) that identification with the i doesn't happen. (of course this is just conjecture - this i playing with concepts)
i wonder, am i identifying when i am lost in emotion ?
i have no sense of i then. i am the emotion, or more accurately i am the expression of the emotion. Although there is no awareness of an i while this is happening, it couldn't be said that enlightenment is. Exactly the opposite seems to be the case. (does enlightenment have an opposite ? grin...)
Something has to happen to this mind/body for enlightenment to be.
i (who ?) might not be i after the happening but i still exist except that i (who ?) won't identify with i anymore. (can some not i out there confirm that this concept has some validity  - even if who (not i ) cares.

is this me called i
really not actually me
who knows, who does care

ho hum...

i waken enough
 to know that i am asleep
   still, the dream goes on.

giving up the search

Believing that there is nothing i can DO to transcend my current state of 'awakeness' - if i stop thinking about it (hah!), will it ever 'happen'?
My mind says i have to, at least intend to 'get there'
i tell people that i live in heaven now. i have an idyllic lifestyle. live in a beautiful setting. no financial worries (modest but sustainable) happy most of the time (can't remember the last time i felt depressed, probably a couple of years ago) good relationship with wife and family, but have broken out in a skin problem that i'm sure is triggered by my unconscious mind.
Is this related to my 'search' ?
Certainly this 'condition' belies the above statement about being happy (logically)
i had this 45 years ago when i was 'trapped' in an unhappy job (in the navy)
i do believe that even if environmental influences are involved that they would only be the means whereby this mind/body expresses whatever it is experiencing.
If i turn my back on enlightenment, would it heal up ?
i guess i won't find out. (even if it did heal there is no certainty that it would be related to 'giving up'

wonderful mystery
the way things work for people
enjoy the questions.

what drivel will dribble tonight ?

i don't mean to disparage these outpourings, just to point out their inherent meaninglessness.
they are not going to change anything. they won't bring me to 'that moment' any quicker. They can only add to the story of me.
If i feel any better because of them, that is a moment of pleasurable sensation (about 70 seconds before the effects of the pleasure hormone wears off) The pleasure is because of my reaction to what i think about it. But after it wears off i will look for the next thing to feel good about. i can probably get a few hits from my memory of it.
So why rave ?
hmm, the advaidic answer would be " raving happens" which is probably more likely to be true in a mind/body that has memories of a lot of raving.
Oh, and i do enjoy that 70 seconds of pleasure.

create it with thoughts
or use steel and masonry
pleasure lasts the same

let the drivel run.

i come with nothing to say,
but saying will be said.
i said.
or was it consciousness that said it - through me.
if all my thoughts are consciousness talking...
it sure talks a lot of shit.
but then why wouldn't it talk a lot of shit?
Shit might need saying as much a something very important.
Maybe consciousness holds shit as very important.
Maybe it's not what is said that is important but the saying.
or maybe the not saying between the saying is where the rainbow ends.

and i wait.

Oh, i suppose i should say something, at least occasionally.
seeking is still happening, albeit in a quieter, calmer way now.
knowing that doing won't lead to freedom.
knowing that there's nothing to be done means i just wait.
Wait for the moment when there is no i doing the waiting.
knowing that there is no time during which to wait.
knowing that everybody and everything else, everything that i react to, is just a line in the script of the movie that i wrote, produced and directed, and starred in.
knowing that and i wait  - because i can't do anything else.

and i wait, because
i can't do anything else
oh my sweet waiting.

the new year came and went....

The new year came and went - and it's still now.
Are my memories about my experiences last year, even if they are accurate, really contributing to my ideas about who i am ?
What about my intentions for the coming year ? Do they define me ? Surely they say something about the kind of person i am ?
But what if i am not really a person ? if the person i am is in fact simply memories (thoughts) of a collection of past thoughts about a concept i call self (me, i) ?
This takes time out of the equation.
What i am is my current experience. Or more accurately the experiencing that is currently happening thinks it is me.


put the mind away
it thinks that it is someone
see reality

merry christmas

every time  somebody says "merry xmas" i think "yes and a merry or rather happy rest of your life to you and yours, and everybody else in the world too".
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.

all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...

i haven't been asleep (but i haven't woken up either)

some "movement" for some shift in understanding (all mind stuff with physical attributes) has occurred.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.

Colleen Loehr puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."



Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance 
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."

Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)  

what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done 
when i notice it.

back for a visit

back for a visit
i'm still looking from outside
even though it's in.

just a catch up

not much is happening.  i'm still on the outside of the gateless gate.

i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)

the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.

some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.

there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day

i'm still asking

i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself' 
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)

now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'

there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.

What is it that is keeping you from waking up ?

Ask yourself "What is it that is keeping me from waking up ?" Jan Frazier

She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)

i   asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.

you are already at your destination

Buddha said:  'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.'  There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."

Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate

Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.

Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.

stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit!

There is awareness here now. Let everything be as it is, and stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit! Let it be. This is absolute liberation. Stephen Wingate


Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me. 
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.


i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?

Your default setting

Your default setting is wisdom and peace. 
The only thing that ever covers over your experience of spaciousness and peace, in any moment, is believed thought. Vince Flammini

language and ownership

Looking closely reveals that the "my" is tacked on after the thought or feeling arises.  It's not really "my" thought or feeling, it's just thoughts and feelings.  It's unbelievable what a difference there is between "I am miserable" and "sensations of misery are present here."  Without the automatic, unconscious ownership of mind stuff, it becomes quite benign. Colleen Loehr

My epiphany here is (phew! i just did it {and again}) that where i thought i was just describing the origins (i, me, my, vince, etc.) i was actually taking ownership. 
Whereas previously this mind (mine) believed that media, particular popular press and especially commercial tv was the cause of much of the suffering because of the unintended (because they think that they are just entertaining) inappropriate education they propagate - i now can see how language (my native language is Australian English) plays a huge part. 
To use Advaita speak just isn't practical in conversing with 'normal' people. It would create problems to be saying things like " this body feels sad because this mind responded to a situation with a thought about how somebody else's mind responded to a loss"

With ownership comes guilt (a twist on responsibility) Guilt is a response to thoughts about behaving as or being an idealised person, usually from being told how we should be.





...more to come on this

i had a relationship then i didn't...

a friend of mine (is that a relationship?) recently ceased having a romantic relationship.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.


There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?

Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....

summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.

"am" is...

the sounds of frogs are still there.
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...

the frogs and the thought.

the frogs, this spring night
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?

the ego story

wash the ego coat
keep what does the job okay.
watch it like a child

Relaxing back into the hammock of Being.

living the life of accepting responsibility for what occurs, being relaxed and welcoming to every situation and there seems to be a supporting bed of knowing vaguely in the background.

what is, already is.
so may as well accept it.
watching it is best.

This is probably the best description of .... that i have read yet.

There Is No Experience Of Pure Awareness
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley

Find what "I" is pointing to.

Find what “I” is pointing to. It resolves everything. I can’t tell you how to do it. You just have to look. Annette Nibley

Gradually, you’ll stop listening,

you will remember that when the mind beckons and you follow, you lose. Gradually, you’ll stop listening, and that is freedom. Annette Nibley

If "feeling like a person" is arising...

If "feeling like a person" is arising, so be it. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean that there IS a separate person. Feelings arise, just like everything else, and have no more "truth" in them than the blackberry bush, for example. Mary McGovern


There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)


Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.

Oneness is ALL (and none)

There is no way to "leave" or be "other than" WHAT IS. Mary McGovern


This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing. 
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)


i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !

i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.

Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?

Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?

Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.

Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.

So, was i strengthening the story of me ? 

Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)

Was it also something else ?

Yes, but i'm not sure just what.


It was happening and that means just that. It was happening. 


please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.

you're not doing it.

Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done; 
the key is: you're not doing it.  Suzanne Foxton


i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'. 
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening. 


it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.

nothing exists except life wanting to be

Nothing exists except life wanting to be. Suzanne Foxton

the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...

appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.

doing effortless doing ???

Self shining presence-awareness is not the result of effort. Bob Adamson

Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.

what's the doing you do 
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?

a subtle-yet-undeniable peace

If your pause is relaxed and significant enough, you will immediately discern a subtle-yet-undeniable peace and spaciousness from which manifest-existence arises.  Rodney Stevens


Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)


a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness

coming home...

Some equanimity has returned... the going with 'the flow' is back today. A sense of peace but also some excitement to be 'on the verge'.
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)


not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high

another day and still seeking

Another day and with the main focus on this mind and this identity but still trapped in duality. As the mood swings down it seems harder to 'just flow'.
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.

tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego

ha! it's still there...

after a phone call to my mum this morning (she is sick and lonely and 1500km from where i am) frustration expressed itself as anger (towards her and my brother)
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.


knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace

yesterday at Bobs

i went back to Bobs yesterday for the Sunday meeting. i wasn't going to go, but after attending a computer market i found myself half way there and at the right time. No decision - circumstances said go. So i did.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really  good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.

i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)


when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.

awake in the night

i woke sometime in the night, happy to contemplate beingness.
i composed a haiku, believing i would remember it this morning.
now i can't.

This brings up the question for me 'what is remembering?'
the word implies to rejoin a severed member (limb)
to bring it back into memory. to make it a present thought. to massage the mind.
Knowing that it is somewhere but not in the conscious mind opens up the mind to awareness of not mind. Hmm...
is it in unconscious mind or is it further, deeper... ?


pull it from a dream
knowing it was there but not
re-membering it

honesty

Perhaps you understand this intellectually, but are
unable to use it. If this is the case, you may not be
looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, or with a deep
enough desire to let go of your limitations. Lester Levenson


i'm sure the desire is there (although this mind could fool me here too)
 so can only assume that this mind is fooling with the truth or honesty.
maybe going back to the original enquiry "who am i?" and check for honesty.

desire for the truth
honestly facing ego
should open me up

Being consciously aware of being conscious while the various activities of mind go on is a key element. Gilbert Schultz

this mind experiences being conscious of itself about 50% of the time. The rest of the time it is 'lost' in the content of itself.

Once you know who you are you cease to believe in who you currently think you are and you will then be dealing in reality. And, then your whole understanding will re-align itself in truth, instead of illusion. Roy Townsend

i must be still believing some reality to the i that i thought i was.The one i thought i had seen through. i really believe that i don't know who i am. That this mind is capable of fooling itself into believing anything (probably a survival technique)

But still only vague impressions of reality. (indeed my mind could  be feeding these to me to keep me quiet)

here, lost, who am i?
am i the i that i think?
clearly not, you fool!

no longer seeking

interestingly Bob referred to those 'self realised' people as those that were no longer seeking.
Well, although i am not 'self realised', i am no longer seeking. The meeting tonight left me with the distinct impression that there are no more questions i need to ask.
Now it's just the interesting game of continuing to do what is in front of me while noticing the old habits of emotional reaction as they arise.
i am content to reside in the 'now' of events.
i may or may not get 'cooked' but it is out of my control. I am willing, i am hopeful, i am accepting of whatever eventuates. If nothing changes from where i currently am, then life is still very good.

here, now, life is good.
come springtime and knowing is,
i'll still chop the wood.

portals

Emptiness can never be emptied of emptiness, nor can it be filled by emptiness. With that concept cancelled out, only the wordless thoughtless indescribable emptiness remains. Sailor Bob

I think that this is a portal.

My mind turns inside out trying to encompass this one. The fullness (excuse the pun) or completeness of this concept overflows to beyond concept. It's a touch more than reason.

Mark (last night at Sailor Bobs) touched on another portal for me.

(if i can drag it back from it's dream like place) He mentioned acceptance and the fact that (although acceptance is not the issue and is part of duality) acceptance can only be (exist) on the canvas of awareness. (my paraphrase)

or the image of acceptance can only be in the mirror of knowing.

Trust the knowing is there. Now relax and it will show itself through the fog of thoughts.

how easily i
tumble into the vortex
of thought. Just watch it.

the subtlety

The subtlety of the space between thoughts...
the fragility of the mindless place...
the narrowness of the portal to emptiness...
the fullness of the heart welcoming...
the inclusion of the gathering in of vital energy...
the collection of the focus of calmness...

the letting of 'what is' just be...

abide in peacefulness.

thoughts arising

i woke up this morning seeing thoughts arising.
It didn't continue with that clarity, though it did continue sometime in the background and sometime in the foreground.


thoughts rise, reaction.
then observation occurs
now humour is here.

acceptance (more Sailor Bob)

i was going along thinking that the best not doing i could do was total acceptance of 'what is'
Then Bob said (my paraphrase) that if there is acceptance then there is also rejection. Boingg... of course.
The acceptance that is not rejection isn't pure observation. Seeing doesn't involve the value judgement of 'ok' or 'not ok'. Seeing is just seeing.

i want, i don't want
somewhere in between
awareness resides

glimpses

It's my mind that insists on proof.
have i had moments of uncovered seeing.
maybe i have had the results of this rather than this directly...
Certainly there have been times when solutions have emerged from somewhere with a flavour of wisdom.
The removal of emotion (judgement) from a reaction certainly opens it up to clearer possibilities.
Flowing fits in here somewhere. Flow requires no obstacle (resistance) Thought (that is identified with) can only be resistance.  Thought that is observed objectively as just another stimulus in the environment doesn't offer resistance.

glimpses from the verge.
is it possible to see
being or seeing?

thoughts (after reading some Sailor Bob)

Thoughts arise. Thoughts have no part in who i am. Thoughts are just a movie on the screen of this mind/body. This screen displays them as unique but nevertheless they are as incidental as the form of the  body or the shape of a rock.
Seeing without valuation (judgement), just like a camera is only possible if all thought (history) is also observed (like a thought camera) and therefore doesn't contaminate the seeing.

how automatic
the judgment of everything.
seeing it, kills it.

arrived in Melbourne

spent time explaining Advaita to nephew Josh.
That carried me somewhere.
We had watched a show on television called Life wherein they showed an event where flowers in one part of the world opened at the right time for butterflys from another part of the world to come and pollinate them. My mind blew with the recognition of the synchronicity. From that i had a sense of filaments flowing from me into the ground and somewhere else in the world those same filaments rising up into what is usually considered a separate something.

the whole everything
from nothing to completeness
connected to me

the wonder of innocence

i'm in Sydney for my grandson's first birthday.
Seeing him without a sense of i is certainly a portal.
Oh, how i yearn for the fresh view of the world each moment brings to him....
Certainly his innocence seems like home to me. How sad that the whole world doesn't operate from such a place. That is heaven!

My eleven year old grandson, on the other hand has so lost himself in emotion that he had a fight at school and got himself suspended for some days. my compassion abounds for both of them for they have both beem home for me.

If all is being and all (things ) are an expression of being then even the smallest (experience) is so. Everything i do, think, feel, don't do, don't think, don't feel are also this. this expression i call me is simply a limited perspective of this particular expression of being.
my yearning is to open up the limited perspective to include all...

i know the grass grows
i just can't see the growing
start the lawnmower

is there an attitude that facilitates 'awakening' ?

things are flattening out a bit at the moment. Spent the morning at a funeral where it was easy to remember ...
then spent the rest of the day driving without much remembering.
Seems i need to read for inspiration. Hah!, Who need to read ? to get into an anticipatory mood ?
My mind wants a certain kind of stimulation then my body feels the right kind of excitement. To step back and see this (with my mind ) gives me (my mind) the impression of objectivity. Of course it is just a replay of what has already happened, so obviously this is also just a mind construct. Still it leaves me (my body) with the feeling of satisfaction that I am not lost in the content of thought.

When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being,
which is who we really are
Nirmala
i can DO nothing. i can try to remember that i am. no, i can welcome the remembering when it occurs. (remembering = mind awareness - little 'a' awareness. Not the Awareness of Being)
This is still the mind, BUT, maybe it's an entrance to a portal for Being ???


last night i was here
today i am here, but now
here is not here, where?

words

21:42:22

what will come out tonight?

A yearning for silence.

The time for words is finished. Partly because they don't/ can't do it. But mostly because they seem a waste of time/effort now.

Words are the trap that keeps me identified with that mind construction called I/me.

They are still there – words. They saved me, gave me an identity when I needed it to live in the world. But now they are just vehicles. Transmitters of concepts. Good for communication (of things that language encompasses) But they are useless for anything earlier than their own birth.

Have a deep respect for the space that the body appears in. Whenever you remember, just be aware of this space. Wherever you are, space is exactly, exactly the same. There is no centre to space and no circumference either. Same with Awareness. That is why the ancients called it ‘space-like awareness’. You cannot separate awareness from space. In fact you cannot separate anything from anything else – it is ONE. 

Gilbert Schultz

I didn't remember that space much today. Working with other people makes it easy to get lost in the content of thought.

All I can do is return to cognition of that space when it occurs to me.

I am here, no-where.

I am neither I nor here.

Am is more than I.

Be-ing-ness. Am-ing-ness

23:31:59

Feeling helpless in the face of this experience is a surrender to 'what is', accepting whatever life dishes out to me, even though I know it is only a limited view of the 'seeing-knowing' that I believe is my source (everything).

Jenny told me tonight that I was behaving like a 'born again' again.(the above does sound a little religious...)

If being is everything, then every thing is part of being. But being doesn't have parts because it is everything. So, the idea of part of being is/can only be a mental construct. An idea. An illusion.

So all that exists is everything. Nothing less. Anything less is an impossibility.

I, as a separate something, cannot exist. But I do exist, so if not something separate then . . .

it's a rich spring night

in the autumn of my life

yum, seasons are great!