awake in the night

i woke sometime in the night, happy to contemplate beingness.
i composed a haiku, believing i would remember it this morning.
now i can't.

This brings up the question for me 'what is remembering?'
the word implies to rejoin a severed member (limb)
to bring it back into memory. to make it a present thought. to massage the mind.
Knowing that it is somewhere but not in the conscious mind opens up the mind to awareness of not mind. Hmm...
is it in unconscious mind or is it further, deeper... ?


pull it from a dream
knowing it was there but not
re-membering it

honesty

Perhaps you understand this intellectually, but are
unable to use it. If this is the case, you may not be
looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, or with a deep
enough desire to let go of your limitations. Lester Levenson


i'm sure the desire is there (although this mind could fool me here too)
 so can only assume that this mind is fooling with the truth or honesty.
maybe going back to the original enquiry "who am i?" and check for honesty.

desire for the truth
honestly facing ego
should open me up

Being consciously aware of being conscious while the various activities of mind go on is a key element. Gilbert Schultz

this mind experiences being conscious of itself about 50% of the time. The rest of the time it is 'lost' in the content of itself.

Once you know who you are you cease to believe in who you currently think you are and you will then be dealing in reality. And, then your whole understanding will re-align itself in truth, instead of illusion. Roy Townsend

i must be still believing some reality to the i that i thought i was.The one i thought i had seen through. i really believe that i don't know who i am. That this mind is capable of fooling itself into believing anything (probably a survival technique)

But still only vague impressions of reality. (indeed my mind could  be feeding these to me to keep me quiet)

here, lost, who am i?
am i the i that i think?
clearly not, you fool!

no longer seeking

interestingly Bob referred to those 'self realised' people as those that were no longer seeking.
Well, although i am not 'self realised', i am no longer seeking. The meeting tonight left me with the distinct impression that there are no more questions i need to ask.
Now it's just the interesting game of continuing to do what is in front of me while noticing the old habits of emotional reaction as they arise.
i am content to reside in the 'now' of events.
i may or may not get 'cooked' but it is out of my control. I am willing, i am hopeful, i am accepting of whatever eventuates. If nothing changes from where i currently am, then life is still very good.

here, now, life is good.
come springtime and knowing is,
i'll still chop the wood.

portals

Emptiness can never be emptied of emptiness, nor can it be filled by emptiness. With that concept cancelled out, only the wordless thoughtless indescribable emptiness remains. Sailor Bob

I think that this is a portal.

My mind turns inside out trying to encompass this one. The fullness (excuse the pun) or completeness of this concept overflows to beyond concept. It's a touch more than reason.

Mark (last night at Sailor Bobs) touched on another portal for me.

(if i can drag it back from it's dream like place) He mentioned acceptance and the fact that (although acceptance is not the issue and is part of duality) acceptance can only be (exist) on the canvas of awareness. (my paraphrase)

or the image of acceptance can only be in the mirror of knowing.

Trust the knowing is there. Now relax and it will show itself through the fog of thoughts.

how easily i
tumble into the vortex
of thought. Just watch it.

the subtlety

The subtlety of the space between thoughts...
the fragility of the mindless place...
the narrowness of the portal to emptiness...
the fullness of the heart welcoming...
the inclusion of the gathering in of vital energy...
the collection of the focus of calmness...

the letting of 'what is' just be...

abide in peacefulness.

thoughts arising

i woke up this morning seeing thoughts arising.
It didn't continue with that clarity, though it did continue sometime in the background and sometime in the foreground.


thoughts rise, reaction.
then observation occurs
now humour is here.

acceptance (more Sailor Bob)

i was going along thinking that the best not doing i could do was total acceptance of 'what is'
Then Bob said (my paraphrase) that if there is acceptance then there is also rejection. Boingg... of course.
The acceptance that is not rejection isn't pure observation. Seeing doesn't involve the value judgement of 'ok' or 'not ok'. Seeing is just seeing.

i want, i don't want
somewhere in between
awareness resides

glimpses

It's my mind that insists on proof.
have i had moments of uncovered seeing.
maybe i have had the results of this rather than this directly...
Certainly there have been times when solutions have emerged from somewhere with a flavour of wisdom.
The removal of emotion (judgement) from a reaction certainly opens it up to clearer possibilities.
Flowing fits in here somewhere. Flow requires no obstacle (resistance) Thought (that is identified with) can only be resistance.  Thought that is observed objectively as just another stimulus in the environment doesn't offer resistance.

glimpses from the verge.
is it possible to see
being or seeing?

thoughts (after reading some Sailor Bob)

Thoughts arise. Thoughts have no part in who i am. Thoughts are just a movie on the screen of this mind/body. This screen displays them as unique but nevertheless they are as incidental as the form of the  body or the shape of a rock.
Seeing without valuation (judgement), just like a camera is only possible if all thought (history) is also observed (like a thought camera) and therefore doesn't contaminate the seeing.

how automatic
the judgment of everything.
seeing it, kills it.

arrived in Melbourne

spent time explaining Advaita to nephew Josh.
That carried me somewhere.
We had watched a show on television called Life wherein they showed an event where flowers in one part of the world opened at the right time for butterflys from another part of the world to come and pollinate them. My mind blew with the recognition of the synchronicity. From that i had a sense of filaments flowing from me into the ground and somewhere else in the world those same filaments rising up into what is usually considered a separate something.

the whole everything
from nothing to completeness
connected to me

the wonder of innocence

i'm in Sydney for my grandson's first birthday.
Seeing him without a sense of i is certainly a portal.
Oh, how i yearn for the fresh view of the world each moment brings to him....
Certainly his innocence seems like home to me. How sad that the whole world doesn't operate from such a place. That is heaven!

My eleven year old grandson, on the other hand has so lost himself in emotion that he had a fight at school and got himself suspended for some days. my compassion abounds for both of them for they have both beem home for me.

If all is being and all (things ) are an expression of being then even the smallest (experience) is so. Everything i do, think, feel, don't do, don't think, don't feel are also this. this expression i call me is simply a limited perspective of this particular expression of being.
my yearning is to open up the limited perspective to include all...

i know the grass grows
i just can't see the growing
start the lawnmower

is there an attitude that facilitates 'awakening' ?

things are flattening out a bit at the moment. Spent the morning at a funeral where it was easy to remember ...
then spent the rest of the day driving without much remembering.
Seems i need to read for inspiration. Hah!, Who need to read ? to get into an anticipatory mood ?
My mind wants a certain kind of stimulation then my body feels the right kind of excitement. To step back and see this (with my mind ) gives me (my mind) the impression of objectivity. Of course it is just a replay of what has already happened, so obviously this is also just a mind construct. Still it leaves me (my body) with the feeling of satisfaction that I am not lost in the content of thought.

When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being,
which is who we really are
Nirmala
i can DO nothing. i can try to remember that i am. no, i can welcome the remembering when it occurs. (remembering = mind awareness - little 'a' awareness. Not the Awareness of Being)
This is still the mind, BUT, maybe it's an entrance to a portal for Being ???


last night i was here
today i am here, but now
here is not here, where?

words

21:42:22

what will come out tonight?

A yearning for silence.

The time for words is finished. Partly because they don't/ can't do it. But mostly because they seem a waste of time/effort now.

Words are the trap that keeps me identified with that mind construction called I/me.

They are still there – words. They saved me, gave me an identity when I needed it to live in the world. But now they are just vehicles. Transmitters of concepts. Good for communication (of things that language encompasses) But they are useless for anything earlier than their own birth.

Have a deep respect for the space that the body appears in. Whenever you remember, just be aware of this space. Wherever you are, space is exactly, exactly the same. There is no centre to space and no circumference either. Same with Awareness. That is why the ancients called it ‘space-like awareness’. You cannot separate awareness from space. In fact you cannot separate anything from anything else – it is ONE. 

Gilbert Schultz

I didn't remember that space much today. Working with other people makes it easy to get lost in the content of thought.

All I can do is return to cognition of that space when it occurs to me.

I am here, no-where.

I am neither I nor here.

Am is more than I.

Be-ing-ness. Am-ing-ness

23:31:59

Feeling helpless in the face of this experience is a surrender to 'what is', accepting whatever life dishes out to me, even though I know it is only a limited view of the 'seeing-knowing' that I believe is my source (everything).

Jenny told me tonight that I was behaving like a 'born again' again.(the above does sound a little religious...)

If being is everything, then every thing is part of being. But being doesn't have parts because it is everything. So, the idea of part of being is/can only be a mental construct. An idea. An illusion.

So all that exists is everything. Nothing less. Anything less is an impossibility.

I, as a separate something, cannot exist. But I do exist, so if not something separate then . . .

it's a rich spring night

in the autumn of my life

yum, seasons are great!

drunk on something.

I got told I was behaving insensitive to others feelings and that it was religious and I was going weird again.

I was being boorish about how good life is for me. (I think I corrected someone when she said that something was terrible and I pointed out the good side of it. It would have been better to think and not say...)

I am still having some great moods, easily accepting whatever comes along seeing it all as a story of my own (minds) production.

Is patience a matter of not waiting (for future) ? Of course the obvious question here is “who is being patient. Well the obvious answer here is This concept my mind calls me that occupies so much of my attention that I can only think about Seeing.

When I look for the I (that can only think about Seeing) I (that looks) only finds thoughts with an identity called I. The I (looker)can only see the I (that is seen) if it is greater than the I (that is seen)

Seeing this should generate a doorway.

It doesn't!

So obviously I am still identified with an I of fictional nature.

Impatience is rife

Why won't the covers depart

they're off, you fool. Look

See Seek Seeker

See ker

14/09/10 23:08:00

I grok the resistance that seeking is.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state

13/09/10 21:11:09

looking at the past posts I realise that it is all mental stuff.

Some recent history of my physical/emotional/behavioural state is (perhaps) even more revealing.

A noticeable change in recent weeks (since discovering advaita) is that any emotional response from me is 'hollow', without the out of control outburst that use to be present.

Another very noticeable thing is some great moods. A sigh, “isn't the world wonderful.”

Something else is the easy acceptance of what ever situation arises.

There is a background feeling of “everything is alright”

There is a definite 'feeling' of progress, even though I know that is a mental construct.

when i create world

everything's as it should be

ha, surprise, surprise.

my current understanding is ...

Where am I now?

12/09/10 20:01:07

my current understanding is as follows;

All that Is (Awareness/God) is all there is.

Therefore everything is an expression of this.

Like a wave is a temporary, unique expression of the ocean, this form (body) is a temporary, unique expression of All that Is. (as the actual ocean and wave are) but in the metaphor the wave can't know the completeness of the ocean, though it may “know” that it is part of something far greater than itself.

We are promised by those self-realised people that there is a “knowing” that comes with a re-cognisance of something we once knew (before we identified with a “me” story about 2yrs old). Unity or Oneness with All that Is. Not a gaining of it but a recognition of it as already existent, always present (even though dualistic language can't say it accurately)

As the present moment is the only one that can be related to in real time (the past is only memory and the future is fantasy) time is also a product of the mind. The illusion of time passing is a convenient tool for managing a life in form (especially as most other forms believe absolutely in the “reality” of time.

To dive down between the cracks of my time experience, hoping for a glimpse of direct experience is as close to not doing, but being, as this mind can conceptualise.
Oh, and labeling comes up. Well not just labeling but the value judgments that seem inherent in giving something a name.
Even to describe something is difficult without value judgments and anyway describing something is a function of memory recall and so a mental process. Observation on the other hand is seeing without the mental interference. This would be awareness? I might also see the arising of my thoughts in labeling and the associated judgments - with out judgment if seeing is direct.

Summer is coming

but all seasons are here now.

wonder-fullness, aye?

haiku

12/09/10 16:52:19

Seeing the reason,

doesn't help me to partake.

Stop looking for it!