Ask yourself what you really hate in people you see as vulnerable or weak.
Eric Gross - Liberation from the Lie
Hmm, vulnerable people are not hateful. Unless i hate the sadness and desire to 'fix' things that wells up in me. i certainly hate some of the destructive behavior some vulnerable people exhibit.
i feel extremely uncomfortable (sometimes frightened) around drunk people.
Once you have settled on what vulnerable type you really can't stand, write down the specific content of this visceral contempt image to really nail it down.
Drunk women were (are?) embarrassing. When i was a child my mum used to embarrass me by calling attention to herself and insisting that i dance with her. It always ended with her having a fight with her sister or mother.
Drunk blokes frighten me. (at least they used to. It hasn't been tested in a long time) They bring intense emotion to anger and violence. They do stupid things that often ends up in someone being hurt. i don't like Pubs.
Then consider the following: The vulnerable type you hate the most is the personification of your Wound.
Hmm, it's the 'out of control' aspect in common to both gender drunks.
consider what they really can't stand about adult members of their same gender. Thoroughly immerse yourself in what you hate about others. The details of this contempt should give you a clear understanding of your personal Wound.
The games drunk people play. The mutual (ego) masturbation present when a group of blokes gather at the pub on the one hand is an excellent display of mateship and connection, except that there really isn't any connection. Each is just reinforcing his story. i guess that is why they are mates.
concentrate on what you hate, but this time consider what you despise about those who are powerful.
The lack of compassion.
The powerful people you hate are mirrors of your original invalidators.
This one is easy. i despised the lack of compassion in my father as a powerless child. All adults had an unreasonable amount of power over kids (then) but he enforced his demands with the razor strop when i was young and the iron (power) chord when i reached adolescence.
i feel i have changed significantly in the past couple of months, so all of the above needs re-testing.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
let's explore living life as a 'dreamt' one
Experience is what counts in this realm.
An intellectual understanding is just thoughts unless resonation occurs.
i have an intellectual understanding that the i/me i think i am is just that. Thinking i am.
i understand that the immersion in the details of that story is what 'hides' reality.
i believe that the story is where the separation from everybody and everything else occurs.
i can see how that separation is the illusion that creates the beginning of suffering.
The mind creates a bubble, inside of which everything is the story.
I am a character in that story. I am a dreamt one.
Each time it comes to me that i am a dreamt one, i realise that i am someone else's character in their dream.
(that someone else may indeed be a (presumably greater) me dreaming the me i think i am.)
Normal definitions of dreaming would go something like this;
A person is asleep (although day dreams are common )
It is the persons mind that creates the cast and props. Everything is a production of the mind.
That there is some value from the 'showing' of production.
Presumption: That an 'awakened' person know that they are 'awake'
i don't know it, ergo. i'm not.
Therefore i am a 'dreamt' one in someone's dream.
Therefore...
free will?
How can there be free will when i am displaying someone's need for expression?
determinism?
How can events be determined when someone doesn't even know their own need for expression to the point where it has to be expressed in a dream?
agnostic?
Best bet. If i take myself to be dreamt by a more primal me, how do i know that the dreamer of me isn't himself a dreamt one in an even more primal me. (in fact this is the most believable concept for me)
This in fact goes back infinitely. It had no beginning and will have no end.
There is no dreamer at the beginning (turtles all the way down!)
There is only dreamt one.
An intellectual understanding is just thoughts unless resonation occurs.
i have an intellectual understanding that the i/me i think i am is just that. Thinking i am.
i understand that the immersion in the details of that story is what 'hides' reality.
i believe that the story is where the separation from everybody and everything else occurs.
i can see how that separation is the illusion that creates the beginning of suffering.
The mind creates a bubble, inside of which everything is the story.
I am a character in that story. I am a dreamt one.
Each time it comes to me that i am a dreamt one, i realise that i am someone else's character in their dream.
(that someone else may indeed be a (presumably greater) me dreaming the me i think i am.)
Normal definitions of dreaming would go something like this;
A person is asleep (although day dreams are common )
It is the persons mind that creates the cast and props. Everything is a production of the mind.
That there is some value from the 'showing' of production.
Presumption: That an 'awakened' person know that they are 'awake'
i don't know it, ergo. i'm not.
Therefore i am a 'dreamt' one in someone's dream.
Therefore...
free will?
How can there be free will when i am displaying someone's need for expression?
determinism?
How can events be determined when someone doesn't even know their own need for expression to the point where it has to be expressed in a dream?
agnostic?
Best bet. If i take myself to be dreamt by a more primal me, how do i know that the dreamer of me isn't himself a dreamt one in an even more primal me. (in fact this is the most believable concept for me)
This in fact goes back infinitely. It had no beginning and will have no end.
There is no dreamer at the beginning (turtles all the way down!)
There is only dreamt one.
another glimpse was...
Another glimpse was how people create 'what if' scenarios then react to them as if they were real, thereby making it real.
It all started when i was sitting in my daughters house talking to her.
We were in the lounge room and i was looking out the window as i explained to her that it was too difficult for me to fix her reversing lights when her car appeared to be moving backwards!
i dashed to my feet and ran outside just in time to see it crash through the gate, collecting both front doors and folding them right around against the front mudguards on its way across the road and crashed into the front left side headlight and pushing the front of my car across about a yard.
Well, there is the original flush of adrenaline, then the shock while assessment occurs. Here is where the 'what if' scenarios start. i guess habit might kick in with the type of constructs that happen. A pessimist would instantly look for the worst possible outcomes while an optimist will build equally detailed possibilities for the future. These will occur because of the mind being in its element when it comes to constructing stories. The problem comes when a person reacts to the constructs as though they were real with great emotion.
One of us reacted to the possibility that my 2yr old grandson might have been behind the car and would have surely been killed or at least maimed severely. The other reacted with great relief that my car was there to stop hers from crashing through the flimsy back gate and down a steep hill into the bedroom of a house. Both were emotional reactions to 'what if' stories.
It was then it hit me. i saw the incredible influence this has on normal daily life. We are constantly reacting to 'what if' scenarios.
what if i get rich?
what if poverty moves in?
what if 'i don't know?'
It all started when i was sitting in my daughters house talking to her.
We were in the lounge room and i was looking out the window as i explained to her that it was too difficult for me to fix her reversing lights when her car appeared to be moving backwards!
i dashed to my feet and ran outside just in time to see it crash through the gate, collecting both front doors and folding them right around against the front mudguards on its way across the road and crashed into the front left side headlight and pushing the front of my car across about a yard.
Well, there is the original flush of adrenaline, then the shock while assessment occurs. Here is where the 'what if' scenarios start. i guess habit might kick in with the type of constructs that happen. A pessimist would instantly look for the worst possible outcomes while an optimist will build equally detailed possibilities for the future. These will occur because of the mind being in its element when it comes to constructing stories. The problem comes when a person reacts to the constructs as though they were real with great emotion.
One of us reacted to the possibility that my 2yr old grandson might have been behind the car and would have surely been killed or at least maimed severely. The other reacted with great relief that my car was there to stop hers from crashing through the flimsy back gate and down a steep hill into the bedroom of a house. Both were emotional reactions to 'what if' stories.
It was then it hit me. i saw the incredible influence this has on normal daily life. We are constantly reacting to 'what if' scenarios.
what if i get rich?
what if poverty moves in?
what if 'i don't know?'
one of the glimpses i had this week was...
i saw the interconnected of everything that resulted in a happening and the interconnectedness of everything going forward from that happening.
i was visiting a friend in hospital after he had an accident when i had an accident.
He said that it was his fault because if i wasn't there visiting him i wouldn't have had my accident.
i then said that no it was his wife's fault as had she not been there to take him home then i would be doing that and not be where my accident occurred. i then reasoned that it was their parents fault 'cos if they hadn't been born then circumstances would be different. Then i say that even the weather had a part to play as if it had been raining i wouldn't have been there either. i saw how it could be extrapolated to include the entire physical world, all of history and even everybody's attitude. EVERYTHING had colluded in my accident.
i was visiting a friend in hospital after he had an accident when i had an accident.
He said that it was his fault because if i wasn't there visiting him i wouldn't have had my accident.
i then said that no it was his wife's fault as had she not been there to take him home then i would be doing that and not be where my accident occurred. i then reasoned that it was their parents fault 'cos if they hadn't been born then circumstances would be different. Then i say that even the weather had a part to play as if it had been raining i wouldn't have been there either. i saw how it could be extrapolated to include the entire physical world, all of history and even everybody's attitude. EVERYTHING had colluded in my accident.
...Ok, i admit it.
...ok, i admit it. It is the rush i want.
The rush of realisation that i am not who i thought I was.
The rush of realisation that i am effortlessly residing in the realisation.
i had a couple of minuscule glimpses of Truth in the last couple of days and although beautiful lacked the excitement of discovery. (well, they were more like the flash of a concept that resonated truth)
my current concept of the 'enlightened' state (advaita cops - piss off!) is as follows;
a constant great big wide grin, wide eyed at the wonder of the discovery of everything and everybody as if it were a first time, welcome, wonder-ful encounter.
The full bodied ingestion of information and spirit of the current experience. Like a baby, no judgement, just awareness drinking in 'what is'.
Great joy.
There is effortless awareness of what is happening in the mind which has changed it's role from head honcho to hired consultant.
The much reduced stress levels resulting from no longer responding to 'what if' scenarios creating a body more in harmony with itself.
No more inappropriate ingestions.
A healthier body.
No more responding to the mind story that results from a reaction to what somebody says and elicits an emotional outburst. A calm reasoned, compassionate response to everything anybody says or does.
Better relationships.
The above seems perfectly reasonable to me.
(as a teacher recently said to me, "is that too much to ask?" [huh!]) <- that sounds like the beginning of a 'what if' story to me.
But i digress...
Although it seems quite attainable, it IS just a concept and the chances of reality coinciding with a concept are not good.
So, this remains just part of the best story i can come up with - while i wait for that transformative NOW.
The rush of realisation that i am not who i thought I was.
The rush of realisation that i am effortlessly residing in the realisation.
i had a couple of minuscule glimpses of Truth in the last couple of days and although beautiful lacked the excitement of discovery. (well, they were more like the flash of a concept that resonated truth)
my current concept of the 'enlightened' state (advaita cops - piss off!) is as follows;
a constant great big wide grin, wide eyed at the wonder of the discovery of everything and everybody as if it were a first time, welcome, wonder-ful encounter.
The full bodied ingestion of information and spirit of the current experience. Like a baby, no judgement, just awareness drinking in 'what is'.
Great joy.
There is effortless awareness of what is happening in the mind which has changed it's role from head honcho to hired consultant.
The much reduced stress levels resulting from no longer responding to 'what if' scenarios creating a body more in harmony with itself.
No more inappropriate ingestions.
A healthier body.
No more responding to the mind story that results from a reaction to what somebody says and elicits an emotional outburst. A calm reasoned, compassionate response to everything anybody says or does.
Better relationships.
The above seems perfectly reasonable to me.
(as a teacher recently said to me, "is that too much to ask?" [huh!]) <- that sounds like the beginning of a 'what if' story to me.
But i digress...
Although it seems quite attainable, it IS just a concept and the chances of reality coinciding with a concept are not good.
So, this remains just part of the best story i can come up with - while i wait for that transformative NOW.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
if i was the Guru...
If i was the Guru and a seeker came to me...
i would have no unique story to explain how things work.
If they weren't to walk away 'awakened' then what would they take with them so that they wouldn't need to return to me before awakening?
i would want to see them after awakening as they will need support while fitting into this new 'skin'
In order to 'awaken' during our very first encounter what needs to happen is for their mind to surrender to the actual and allow an experience that shifts their sense of i/me permanently out of the primary perspective.
For the mind to surrender it simply needs to be confronted with it's own contradictions.
Each seeker reaches out from within their own story. All stories are mental constructs. Me is a mental construct.
Enlightenment is a mental construct of the seeker.
First question to the seeker might be;
"Why are you here?" (to see me - a guru)
Most answers might be reduced to;
"I want Enlightenment"
Second question to the seeker;
"What does Who desire?"
Enlightenment do I desire.
A thing i wish to possess.
If Enlightenment is a recognition of 'this is it' then it can't be possessed because a recognition is not a thing. It is a process that can only be discovered.
The i = 'i think, therefore i (think) i am'
The I is reduced to a sensation generated by a collection of thoughts called memories that are constantly repeated by the mind for the sole purpose of continuing the sensation called i or me.
Desire is looking forward to a state that is different to the existing one. It is another collection of thoughts but this time about the future.
I and Desire are the same thing. (just a bunch of thoughts)
The space between you (the seeker) and Awakening is made opaque by the mind in it's constant value judgement (opinion) about everything from the perspective of an I or Me
To see and then relate to the actual is a matter of discerning when the mind is babbling for the sake of reconfirming who we think we are and paying it no attention in any decision making.
Wise people are good at doing this.
Awakened people do this without effort. Constantly.
Thoughts arise.
Bodies act.
Emotions happen.
Interactions occur.
Awareness does what awareness does. It does aware-ness-ing. It is aware.
Thoughts about 'what if' still arise, but awareness is aware-ing. It always is.
It's all exactly as it is happening now. Exactly as it happened yesterday. It is those thoughts about yesterday, the memories.
What triggers the recognition that brings on 'the shift'?
It's a mystery. What brings on any discovery?
It doesn't matter. Just keep playing around the edges and discovery is bound to happen, or not.
Talking to myself,
i said "come on you, wake up!"
"snore" was the reply.
i would have no unique story to explain how things work.
If they weren't to walk away 'awakened' then what would they take with them so that they wouldn't need to return to me before awakening?
i would want to see them after awakening as they will need support while fitting into this new 'skin'
In order to 'awaken' during our very first encounter what needs to happen is for their mind to surrender to the actual and allow an experience that shifts their sense of i/me permanently out of the primary perspective.
For the mind to surrender it simply needs to be confronted with it's own contradictions.
Each seeker reaches out from within their own story. All stories are mental constructs. Me is a mental construct.
Enlightenment is a mental construct of the seeker.
First question to the seeker might be;
"Why are you here?" (to see me - a guru)
Most answers might be reduced to;
"I want Enlightenment"
Second question to the seeker;
"What does Who desire?"
Enlightenment do I desire.
A thing i wish to possess.
If Enlightenment is a recognition of 'this is it' then it can't be possessed because a recognition is not a thing. It is a process that can only be discovered.
The i = 'i think, therefore i (think) i am'
The I is reduced to a sensation generated by a collection of thoughts called memories that are constantly repeated by the mind for the sole purpose of continuing the sensation called i or me.
Desire is looking forward to a state that is different to the existing one. It is another collection of thoughts but this time about the future.
I and Desire are the same thing. (just a bunch of thoughts)
The space between you (the seeker) and Awakening is made opaque by the mind in it's constant value judgement (opinion) about everything from the perspective of an I or Me
To see and then relate to the actual is a matter of discerning when the mind is babbling for the sake of reconfirming who we think we are and paying it no attention in any decision making.
Wise people are good at doing this.
Awakened people do this without effort. Constantly.
Thoughts arise.
Bodies act.
Emotions happen.
Interactions occur.
Awareness does what awareness does. It does aware-ness-ing. It is aware.
Thoughts about 'what if' still arise, but awareness is aware-ing. It always is.
It's all exactly as it is happening now. Exactly as it happened yesterday. It is those thoughts about yesterday, the memories.
What triggers the recognition that brings on 'the shift'?
It's a mystery. What brings on any discovery?
It doesn't matter. Just keep playing around the edges and discovery is bound to happen, or not.
Talking to myself,
i said "come on you, wake up!"
"snore" was the reply.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Jed's suggestion for waking up.
Jed McKenna in Spiritual Enlightenment the Damnedest Thing, right at the end says you have to be crazy to want enlightenment, but if you do he suggests combining Spiritual Autolosis with fervent prayer.
Autolosis is THE BREAKDOWN OF TISSUE IN THE BODY (SELF-DIGESTION)
The process of Spiritual Autolosis it to start writing trying to define the truth by eliminating the false.
Start anywhere because it all leads to the same place. Who am I? is a somewhat traditional question to start with.
The prayer is for the courage to find and illuminate the false. Write Pray Write Pray etc.
So here goes (a start)
Who am I ?
There is no point in describing personal characteristics or history because characteristics change and history is just how it is remembered. Neither is the label of my name me, as i can change my name and still be me. (most married women change their name)
Am i my thoughts about myself? Well, considering that they change frequently (some times just because of a different mood - if i have success or failure etc) - scratch the mind as me.
What is left ?
Here is another question recommended by Jed.
What can i say is unequivocally true.
That i exist ? There is a mind/body and there is awareness of that mind/body.
Is that awareness the animating force of the body ? Does that animating force survive the death of the mind/body?
It certainly survives the death of the mind each night in deep sleep.
Some of my logic above is a little shaky or incomplete.
Why (for example) can't i be my mind just because it changes ?
If by my mind i mean the thoughts i have, then tell me this what thought can i have that doesn't instantly become memory? By the time i realise that i have thought something, the thought is finished. It no longer exists except as a memory of that thought.
But what thought actually happens as a thought?
i have thoughts that are verbal in nature and others that are visual and others that are movies with sound and others that are much more vague and are more of an impression of something than a description.
What did i start the previous sentence with ? It was "i have thoughts.."
It may only be language or convention to say that somebody is having something, implying ownership as well as doership. It is obvious that i am greater than my thoughts because i 'have' them.
The logic is often used that the eyes can't see themselves (without the help of a mirror, and even then they are not seeing themselves but only a reflection of themselves. To then jump to the logic of 'therefore it is also impossible for the mind to be aware of itself doesn't ring true for me. maybe the mind has the ability to (figuratively speaking) generate eyes on stalks that can turn back and see itself ???
Hmm, there is something smelly here.
This exercise is to expose the false but instead i am like the cop trying to prove a hunch right.
A lot of what i am saying is my take on what resonated with me as i read/viewed/heard it.
The following is something i have reasoned in the past and probably can be called a heartfelt belief.
i can only have beliefs. i can't actually know anything.
Even to say i exist is questionable. Try this on for size...
In a dream i believe i am real. My belief is as strong the belief i have now that i am awake and typing this. But how do i know that i am not dreaming this.
i can only know that i am dreaming this after i wake up.
i can't know that i am NOT dreaming this.
Wait a minute, when i was a kid i dreamt that i woke up and went to school then my mum woke me up and told me to get ready for school.
Logic tells me that it is feasible that if that happened in a dream then i might have been dreaming that i had a dream.
So you see, it is impossible to actually know anything.
Do i know this ? Obviously if the above is true and complete i can only believe this.
Even with this logic, it is always possible for somebody to come along and point out a flaw in this whole line of thinking.
So, on the assumption that i can't know anything, i can only talk from a position of believing...
A collection of beliefs constitute a story.
If i live by my beliefs, by my story, then i am not relating to reality but to my story.
Logic then says to relate to reality (we'll discuss what reality is in a moment) i have to have no beliefs.
It is easy to see how beliefs influence our idea of what something actually is.
Judgements are born of beliefs. We react to our judgements (likes/dislikes, good/bad etc)
If we are reacting to judgement we certainly aren't reacting to the actual.
So, how do we react to the actual (reality?)
Pain is actual but suffering because of the pain is an overlay that the mind adds to the pain. e.g. after cutting myself, i think "i might bleed to death" or "it might get infected" or "i shouldn't have
done that" or "i am stupid for doing that"
Relating to the actual would go something like this;
"There is pain, but not enough to take a pain killer. There is an open wound and some disinfectant will stop any possible infection. There is a lesson here about how i handled that knife - next time i use it i will be more careful"
The mental overlays come automatically because of habit. (which probably started from watching our parents or peers react that way)
The Zen koan, 'if a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there then does it make a sound?'
is a good example.
An answer might be something like this (koans usually don't have any answer - just more questions) "It doesn't matter, i don't know if a sound was made. i do know that i didn't hear it so it isn't actual for me."
Just like the tree, the world is only actual when i interact with it. My thoughts about it are actual thoughts but not the actual world.
i don't know anything. i can only have beliefs. Beliefs are thoughts about...
So in order to relate to the actual i have to relate without thought?
Is this possible ?
i can't turn my thoughts off so that won't work for me, but i have experienced the situation where i see my thoughts before reaction takes place and i have a choice to ignore the thoughts because it is seen that they are habitual or conditioned thoughts and don't contribute to the actual situation i am relating to.
If i can't know anything and truth is what is left when all the falsities are removed, i might be in trouble.
Is the truth objectively true ? How do i know it to be true? (remember i can't know anything)
This suggests that i can't know what is true or false.
Like the sound of the tree falling, it doesn't matter to me what is true or false. i just need to see each situation clearly enough not to overlay it with my thoughts or emotions (emotions are reactions to thoughts - you might call them physical thoughts)
Autolosis is THE BREAKDOWN OF TISSUE IN THE BODY (SELF-DIGESTION)
The process of Spiritual Autolosis it to start writing trying to define the truth by eliminating the false.
Start anywhere because it all leads to the same place. Who am I? is a somewhat traditional question to start with.
The prayer is for the courage to find and illuminate the false. Write Pray Write Pray etc.
So here goes (a start)
Who am I ?
There is no point in describing personal characteristics or history because characteristics change and history is just how it is remembered. Neither is the label of my name me, as i can change my name and still be me. (most married women change their name)
Am i my thoughts about myself? Well, considering that they change frequently (some times just because of a different mood - if i have success or failure etc) - scratch the mind as me.
What is left ?
Here is another question recommended by Jed.
What can i say is unequivocally true.
That i exist ? There is a mind/body and there is awareness of that mind/body.
Is that awareness the animating force of the body ? Does that animating force survive the death of the mind/body?
It certainly survives the death of the mind each night in deep sleep.
Some of my logic above is a little shaky or incomplete.
Why (for example) can't i be my mind just because it changes ?
If by my mind i mean the thoughts i have, then tell me this what thought can i have that doesn't instantly become memory? By the time i realise that i have thought something, the thought is finished. It no longer exists except as a memory of that thought.
But what thought actually happens as a thought?
i have thoughts that are verbal in nature and others that are visual and others that are movies with sound and others that are much more vague and are more of an impression of something than a description.
What did i start the previous sentence with ? It was "i have thoughts.."
It may only be language or convention to say that somebody is having something, implying ownership as well as doership. It is obvious that i am greater than my thoughts because i 'have' them.
The logic is often used that the eyes can't see themselves (without the help of a mirror, and even then they are not seeing themselves but only a reflection of themselves. To then jump to the logic of 'therefore it is also impossible for the mind to be aware of itself doesn't ring true for me. maybe the mind has the ability to (figuratively speaking) generate eyes on stalks that can turn back and see itself ???
Hmm, there is something smelly here.
This exercise is to expose the false but instead i am like the cop trying to prove a hunch right.
A lot of what i am saying is my take on what resonated with me as i read/viewed/heard it.
The following is something i have reasoned in the past and probably can be called a heartfelt belief.
i can only have beliefs. i can't actually know anything.
Even to say i exist is questionable. Try this on for size...
In a dream i believe i am real. My belief is as strong the belief i have now that i am awake and typing this. But how do i know that i am not dreaming this.
i can only know that i am dreaming this after i wake up.
i can't know that i am NOT dreaming this.
Wait a minute, when i was a kid i dreamt that i woke up and went to school then my mum woke me up and told me to get ready for school.
Logic tells me that it is feasible that if that happened in a dream then i might have been dreaming that i had a dream.
So you see, it is impossible to actually know anything.
Do i know this ? Obviously if the above is true and complete i can only believe this.
Even with this logic, it is always possible for somebody to come along and point out a flaw in this whole line of thinking.
So, on the assumption that i can't know anything, i can only talk from a position of believing...
A collection of beliefs constitute a story.
If i live by my beliefs, by my story, then i am not relating to reality but to my story.
Logic then says to relate to reality (we'll discuss what reality is in a moment) i have to have no beliefs.
It is easy to see how beliefs influence our idea of what something actually is.
Judgements are born of beliefs. We react to our judgements (likes/dislikes, good/bad etc)
If we are reacting to judgement we certainly aren't reacting to the actual.
So, how do we react to the actual (reality?)
Pain is actual but suffering because of the pain is an overlay that the mind adds to the pain. e.g. after cutting myself, i think "i might bleed to death" or "it might get infected" or "i shouldn't have
done that" or "i am stupid for doing that"
Relating to the actual would go something like this;
"There is pain, but not enough to take a pain killer. There is an open wound and some disinfectant will stop any possible infection. There is a lesson here about how i handled that knife - next time i use it i will be more careful"
The mental overlays come automatically because of habit. (which probably started from watching our parents or peers react that way)
The Zen koan, 'if a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there then does it make a sound?'
is a good example.
An answer might be something like this (koans usually don't have any answer - just more questions) "It doesn't matter, i don't know if a sound was made. i do know that i didn't hear it so it isn't actual for me."
Just like the tree, the world is only actual when i interact with it. My thoughts about it are actual thoughts but not the actual world.
i don't know anything. i can only have beliefs. Beliefs are thoughts about...
So in order to relate to the actual i have to relate without thought?
Is this possible ?
i can't turn my thoughts off so that won't work for me, but i have experienced the situation where i see my thoughts before reaction takes place and i have a choice to ignore the thoughts because it is seen that they are habitual or conditioned thoughts and don't contribute to the actual situation i am relating to.
If i can't know anything and truth is what is left when all the falsities are removed, i might be in trouble.
Is the truth objectively true ? How do i know it to be true? (remember i can't know anything)
This suggests that i can't know what is true or false.
Like the sound of the tree falling, it doesn't matter to me what is true or false. i just need to see each situation clearly enough not to overlay it with my thoughts or emotions (emotions are reactions to thoughts - you might call them physical thoughts)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Do you believe "you" (your personality) survives after physical death?
Do i believe my personality survives after physical death?
Do - is a verb 'to take action'
i - who ? my mind - my sense of me-ness.
believe - beliefs are concepts congruent with a world view.
my - ownership. i guess it has to be the mind who would own a belief.
personality - who ? from my perspective my personality is me.
survives - continues ? unchanged ??
after - after that which was before is still now. i imagine that time doesn't exist post body.
physical death - when the body is no longer animated by what ? That which we are discussing ?
So, to rephrase the question; Is there some activity by my mind of a holding on to a concept that feels right that characteristics of who i sense myself to be will continue in the 'now' that is ? when my body is worm food?
Does the animating force that leaves the body on death have any coherence ?
if it does then does it retain elements of the personality ?
if it doesn't then do any of the components of it retain elements of the personality ?
i want to shout YES! with great feeling, but i can't say how it is more than a concept that i like.
i have to come back to "i don't know", but i will live like i do know and the answer is yes because i know of no better way to 'be me'
i don't know who's me
but it no longer matters
i, me, you, us, ALL
Do - is a verb 'to take action'
i - who ? my mind - my sense of me-ness.
believe - beliefs are concepts congruent with a world view.
my - ownership. i guess it has to be the mind who would own a belief.
personality - who ? from my perspective my personality is me.
survives - continues ? unchanged ??
after - after that which was before is still now. i imagine that time doesn't exist post body.
physical death - when the body is no longer animated by what ? That which we are discussing ?
So, to rephrase the question; Is there some activity by my mind of a holding on to a concept that feels right that characteristics of who i sense myself to be will continue in the 'now' that is ? when my body is worm food?
Does the animating force that leaves the body on death have any coherence ?
if it does then does it retain elements of the personality ?
if it doesn't then do any of the components of it retain elements of the personality ?
i want to shout YES! with great feeling, but i can't say how it is more than a concept that i like.
i have to come back to "i don't know", but i will live like i do know and the answer is yes because i know of no better way to 'be me'
i don't know who's me
but it no longer matters
i, me, you, us, ALL
Sunday, August 14, 2011
my current belief state on a post body condition.
i like the idea of reincarnation but it doesn't sit quite logically for me as there hasn't been enough time in recorded history for the infinite number of lifetimes mentioned in the literature.
It has come to me (from my readings and musings) that the idea of an infinite number of possible worlds arranged in a probability order existing in parallel makes more sense.
So, standing here/now i am confronted by an infinite number of possible worlds from which to choose to draw into my next current here/now. The ones closest to me (the highest probability factor) are the most similar to my current experience.
Each of these worlds is complete with everybody and everything and even contains a different version of this mind/body. (observe the different body chemistry and thought patterns in the world where i am happy as compared to the one where i am sad.)
So who/what is it that makes the choice of which next possible (most probable) moment to make actual ?
We could say that it is consciousness (my ? consciousness) or call it soul or even Soul. Regardless it is something that identifies with the 'me' parts of each world.
Although the above takes care of the time component we still have the problem of the space component. (it is a problem because it is part of the illusion - hmm, more on this later)
The ocean analogy takes care of this (i think - let's try it)
i am a wave. i have unique form. i change my shape but remain the same wave. i hit the shore, and die.
Each water molecule disperses back into the ocean. with tides and winds etc. they get spread from one end of the ocean to the other. If each of those water molecules can communicate with each other then the information (personality) that each contains is available to all (a hologram?) then it seems reasonable that any new wave formed with one of the above water molecules would from the perspective of said water molecule be a variation of the previous wave (of course made unique because of the combination of all the other water molecules) Said molecule in having the experience of the new wave would then communicate those new experiences back to all of the water molecules it shared the identity with as the original wave...
Which means that every molecule is enhanced by the enhancement of any one molecule.
The soul is a water molecule that now appears as part of a wave and now is part of the deepest ocean and now fish urine...
all at the same time (all at once), every where, (or is that never, no where)
i am every thing.
or is that 'i am no thing'?
or is it 'i am'
It has come to me (from my readings and musings) that the idea of an infinite number of possible worlds arranged in a probability order existing in parallel makes more sense.
So, standing here/now i am confronted by an infinite number of possible worlds from which to choose to draw into my next current here/now. The ones closest to me (the highest probability factor) are the most similar to my current experience.
Each of these worlds is complete with everybody and everything and even contains a different version of this mind/body. (observe the different body chemistry and thought patterns in the world where i am happy as compared to the one where i am sad.)
So who/what is it that makes the choice of which next possible (most probable) moment to make actual ?
We could say that it is consciousness (my ? consciousness) or call it soul or even Soul. Regardless it is something that identifies with the 'me' parts of each world.
Although the above takes care of the time component we still have the problem of the space component. (it is a problem because it is part of the illusion - hmm, more on this later)
The ocean analogy takes care of this (i think - let's try it)
i am a wave. i have unique form. i change my shape but remain the same wave. i hit the shore, and die.
Each water molecule disperses back into the ocean. with tides and winds etc. they get spread from one end of the ocean to the other. If each of those water molecules can communicate with each other then the information (personality) that each contains is available to all (a hologram?) then it seems reasonable that any new wave formed with one of the above water molecules would from the perspective of said water molecule be a variation of the previous wave (of course made unique because of the combination of all the other water molecules) Said molecule in having the experience of the new wave would then communicate those new experiences back to all of the water molecules it shared the identity with as the original wave...
Which means that every molecule is enhanced by the enhancement of any one molecule.
The soul is a water molecule that now appears as part of a wave and now is part of the deepest ocean and now fish urine...
all at the same time (all at once), every where, (or is that never, no where)
i am every thing.
or is that 'i am no thing'?
or is it 'i am'
Thursday, August 11, 2011
who am i ?
who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i who am i
who
who am
who am i
am
am i
am i who
i
i who
i who am
who...
who
who am
who am i
am
am i
am i who
i
i who
i who am
who...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
am i waiting ?
i believe i can't do anything to 'get' enlightened.
i believe it will 'happen' someday.
i believe that my lifelong obsession with 'transcendence' has some meaning.
i believe that i don't know anything. (any knowing i have is just belief - intense belief - but just belief)
i believe that my beliefs are the best story that i can invent (to live by) and that most people have very limiting stories.
i believe that if grace visits me then i am ready and willing.
i believe that grace will come in a form that daily life will deliver. (grasp the golden moment of opportunity as it races past)
i believe that there is a purpose for my 'awakening' (to write and teach - maybe!!)
is belief something
more than just entertainment?
i believe it is!
i believe it will 'happen' someday.
i believe that my lifelong obsession with 'transcendence' has some meaning.
i believe that i don't know anything. (any knowing i have is just belief - intense belief - but just belief)
i believe that my beliefs are the best story that i can invent (to live by) and that most people have very limiting stories.
i believe that if grace visits me then i am ready and willing.
i believe that grace will come in a form that daily life will deliver. (grasp the golden moment of opportunity as it races past)
i believe that there is a purpose for my 'awakening' (to write and teach - maybe!!)
is belief something
more than just entertainment?
i believe it is!
Friday, June 17, 2011
where am i now
seemingly nowhere, yet subtly somewhere.
it appears like some movement has occurred.
(of course appearance through the lens distortion of my desire...)
my interest is still alive and kicking, my earnestness is still earnest.
it appears like some movement has occurred.
(of course appearance through the lens distortion of my desire...)
my interest is still alive and kicking, my earnestness is still earnest.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
deceiving myself
I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people. I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me. My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmonious, as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams — like the lives of all men who stop deceiving themselves. Each man’s life represents the road toward himself, and attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path. No man has ever been entirely and completely himself. Yet each one strives to become that — one in an awkward, the other in a more intelligent way, each as best he can. Herman Hesse
"who stop deceiving themselves" this could be a key to the 'portal'
Whenever i have an opinion about myself (or the world) then i am deceiving myself into thinking that i 'know' something when clearly it is just a view that i hold for the moment.
The only way not to deceive myself is to know (hmmm,) that i know nothing. Everything becomes fresh and actual without the overlay of my opinion (knowing) or judgmental attitude.
The question then becomes 'how do i avoid the habit of thinking that i know anything?'
Is it just a matter of reminding myself everytime i realise that i had an opinion?
It is probably beyond me to do anything other than this.
Why am i lying
about what really matters ?
About who i am.
"who stop deceiving themselves" this could be a key to the 'portal'
Whenever i have an opinion about myself (or the world) then i am deceiving myself into thinking that i 'know' something when clearly it is just a view that i hold for the moment.
The only way not to deceive myself is to know (hmmm,) that i know nothing. Everything becomes fresh and actual without the overlay of my opinion (knowing) or judgmental attitude.
The question then becomes 'how do i avoid the habit of thinking that i know anything?'
Is it just a matter of reminding myself everytime i realise that i had an opinion?
It is probably beyond me to do anything other than this.
Why am i lying
about what really matters ?
About who i am.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
There is no need to move from where you are...
"In the land of no escape, things just are, everything is.
There is no need to move beyond what is here in front of me." Stephen Williamson
i stumbled over this mans blog today. How (re)freshing.
He also says; "If my definition of liberation presents itself as something that you want to seek, then don’t. Long for it perhaps, but do not seek. There is no need to move from where you are to where you want to be. Stay where you are. Be who you are. Simply allow identification to slip away. The process is one of dissolving, not moving, grasping or reaching." (i took the liberty of fixing what i thought might be typos - here is his original post)
But the message to me is simple and profound, to accept my current state as the perfection that it is, and that it is just where i am on my evolutionary trajectory.
Enjoy the longing for enlightenment just as i might enjoy coffee or sex, while i am drinking coffee or having sex. (or indeed enjoy the desire for those things before they actually eventuate)
Appreciating
the expression of writing
right now, right here. YES!
There is no need to move beyond what is here in front of me." Stephen Williamson
i stumbled over this mans blog today. How (re)freshing.
He also says; "If my definition of liberation presents itself as something that you want to seek, then don’t. Long for it perhaps, but do not seek. There is no need to move from where you are to where you want to be. Stay where you are. Be who you are. Simply allow identification to slip away. The process is one of dissolving, not moving, grasping or reaching." (i took the liberty of fixing what i thought might be typos - here is his original post)
But the message to me is simple and profound, to accept my current state as the perfection that it is, and that it is just where i am on my evolutionary trajectory.
Enjoy the longing for enlightenment just as i might enjoy coffee or sex, while i am drinking coffee or having sex. (or indeed enjoy the desire for those things before they actually eventuate)
Appreciating
the expression of writing
right now, right here. YES!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
If you wish to see the truth
then hold no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike
is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood
the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.
The first stanza of The Great Way - Sengstan (Third Zen Patriarch)
This is brilliant. If there is any one thing that i could think of to allow peace into the world it would be having no preferences. i can hear people shouting "What about love. We must have love!" Well, i contend that 'real' love is total and complete acceptance of 'what is' without a desire to change it or keep it or take meaning for my idea of myself from it.
Doing it (?) however is another story. As i asked in a previous post, 'can allowing be done?'
Being aware of preferences as i am confronted with circumstances is all that is necessary to expose them and then i have a choice (do i really have a choice about anything?) to consider not having a like or dislike for it. To consider that whatever my idea of 'good' (or bad) is just that, my idea.
Just like my idea of myself is just that, my idea.
Thoughts, nothing more.
It is my reactions to those thoughts where 'reality' enters.
If i have no ideas of good or bad regarding anybody or anything then my reactions are not likely to provoke reactions in others. (but then again they will probably react to their own idea of what my reactions mean. Maybe this way of being has to be better understood before people are less likely to misinterpret lack of judgmentalism. )
So, if i intend to be aware of my predilections or aversions to what or who appears in front of me (or what i think about), perhaps that intent to be aware is all i can do? From that maybe something can grow...
have an intention,
to be aware of dis like.
then may be what is.
for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
If you wish to see the truth
then hold no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike
is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood
the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.
The first stanza of The Great Way - Sengstan (Third Zen Patriarch)
This is brilliant. If there is any one thing that i could think of to allow peace into the world it would be having no preferences. i can hear people shouting "What about love. We must have love!" Well, i contend that 'real' love is total and complete acceptance of 'what is' without a desire to change it or keep it or take meaning for my idea of myself from it.
Doing it (?) however is another story. As i asked in a previous post, 'can allowing be done?'
Being aware of preferences as i am confronted with circumstances is all that is necessary to expose them and then i have a choice (do i really have a choice about anything?) to consider not having a like or dislike for it. To consider that whatever my idea of 'good' (or bad) is just that, my idea.
Just like my idea of myself is just that, my idea.
Thoughts, nothing more.
It is my reactions to those thoughts where 'reality' enters.
If i have no ideas of good or bad regarding anybody or anything then my reactions are not likely to provoke reactions in others. (but then again they will probably react to their own idea of what my reactions mean. Maybe this way of being has to be better understood before people are less likely to misinterpret lack of judgmentalism. )
So, if i intend to be aware of my predilections or aversions to what or who appears in front of me (or what i think about), perhaps that intent to be aware is all i can do? From that maybe something can grow...
have an intention,
to be aware of dis like.
then may be what is.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
the ocean of me
i like the analogy of the ocean being a metaphor for consciousness (all that is) and a wave as a temporary manifestation of the whole being a metaphor for individual people (or souls).
i am sleeping in a caravan in Melbourne at the moment and each morning i wake to the sound of surf, which is strange as the nearest ocean is 70 kilometers away. Then i realised that it was the sound of the freeway which was only 1 km away.
My first reaction was to feel ripped off as the sound of surf is a 'good' sound and the sound of cars is a 'bad' sound. That was until i remembered that the difference between them isn't 'out there', it is in my mind.
Further to that, remembering that each car had at least 1 person in it and the total that made up the sound of surf is beyond my comprehension (i'm guessing hundreds of thousands) and they are really all me. (phew!)
This has been a bit of a theme for me since i have been here in Melbourne. The other day we drove to the bay (about 20 km), it took an hour and we never left the suburbs. Yesterday, i was having my morning poop and as i wiped my bum i flashed with awe on the fact that each day i wipe my bum 21 million times and that is just in Australia.
Each car is a wave
in the ocean of me.
Making sounds of surf
i am sleeping in a caravan in Melbourne at the moment and each morning i wake to the sound of surf, which is strange as the nearest ocean is 70 kilometers away. Then i realised that it was the sound of the freeway which was only 1 km away.
My first reaction was to feel ripped off as the sound of surf is a 'good' sound and the sound of cars is a 'bad' sound. That was until i remembered that the difference between them isn't 'out there', it is in my mind.
Further to that, remembering that each car had at least 1 person in it and the total that made up the sound of surf is beyond my comprehension (i'm guessing hundreds of thousands) and they are really all me. (phew!)
This has been a bit of a theme for me since i have been here in Melbourne. The other day we drove to the bay (about 20 km), it took an hour and we never left the suburbs. Yesterday, i was having my morning poop and as i wiped my bum i flashed with awe on the fact that each day i wipe my bum 21 million times and that is just in Australia.
Each car is a wave
in the ocean of me.
Making sounds of surf
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
i can't give up - i can't not give up.
i can't give up the search, or more accurately i can't give up the wanting to attain liberation (the advaita cops will get me for that phraseology )
i can't choose what i want to want, or more accurately i can't choose to not want.
Just like i can't choose what my next thought will be.
i can not give up
the wanting to know reality
though it doesn't help
i can't choose what i want to want, or more accurately i can't choose to not want.
Just like i can't choose what my next thought will be.
i can not give up
the wanting to know reality
though it doesn't help
Friday, April 22, 2011
I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.
Buddha said: 'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.' There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."
Maybe he (before realisation) obtained understanding, and post realisation knew the he from before was an illusion. So the emphasis was on the 'I' not obtaining.
i only think that
i am I until I dies
then i am not i
Maybe he (before realisation) obtained understanding, and post realisation knew the he from before was an illusion. So the emphasis was on the 'I' not obtaining.
i only think that
i am I until I dies
then i am not i
more ramblings...
what i imagine is that when itching arises, that the compulsion to scratch that arises will simply be observed and then casually dismissed as "inappropriate" to act on. That there won't be scratching as an outcome.
Currently, scratching almost always ensues.
what i imagine is that Seeing, when it is present (which i assume will be constant) contributes a space which allows intelligence (as opposed to emotional) reactions to occur.
what i believe is that both the above imaginings are just concepts.
what i imagine is that this existence only has 'reality' from inside this existence.
what i imagine is that when I 'wake up' that i will be in another existence that includes this one, and that this one will be 'seen' as a minor part of that new (to me/who?) existence and that from that perspective "i" will be seen as a figment of the imagination of the "i" that i imagine myself to be now.
i am so confused
about just who is confused
confusion's ok
Currently, scratching almost always ensues.
what i imagine is that Seeing, when it is present (which i assume will be constant) contributes a space which allows intelligence (as opposed to emotional) reactions to occur.
what i believe is that both the above imaginings are just concepts.
what i imagine is that this existence only has 'reality' from inside this existence.
what i imagine is that when I 'wake up' that i will be in another existence that includes this one, and that this one will be 'seen' as a minor part of that new (to me/who?) existence and that from that perspective "i" will be seen as a figment of the imagination of the "i" that i imagine myself to be now.
i am so confused
about just who is confused
confusion's ok
a different kind of 'doing'
Abandon every attempt, just be; don't strive, don't struggle, let go every support, hold on to the blind sense of being, brushing off all else. This is enough. Nisargadatta Maharaj
You cannot control your way to freedom. You cannot concentrate your way to heaven. If you want to find it, see that the very idea of "someone who is in control" is a concept created by the mind, and lay it down. Don't touch it. If you touch it, it will bite you. Surrender is the ticket, and there is nowhere to get to.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
immense earnestness
For this [seeking Reality], you need a well-ordered and quiet life, peace of mind and immense earnestness. At every moment whatever comes to you unasked, comes from God and will surely help you, if you make the fullest use of it. It is only what you strive for, out of your own imagination and desire, that gives you trouble. Nisargadatta Maharaj
How does intent to reach 'self realisation' and immense earnestness manifest ?
If i keep intent alive and current, is that earnestness ?
if i want a lot
and keep the interest alive
is that earnestness ?
How does intent to reach 'self realisation' and immense earnestness manifest ?
If i keep intent alive and current, is that earnestness ?
if i want a lot
and keep the interest alive
is that earnestness ?
i thought i had paid for entry...
When you have allowed, attended and understood what seems to be within, you are freed. Katie Davis
i do not experience myself as free. Does this mean that i have not fulfilled all of the above ?
i imagine that i have, but the evidence says i haven't.
But still there is nothing to do.
Surrender to 'what is' sounds like doing. Is allowing a doing ?
Is accepting a doing ?
If i change from resisting to allowing, am i doing something?
If i change from not attending to allowing attention... (can i make attention or only intend it ?)
When i meditate (what i call meditation) i intend to keep attentive but become aware that i was lost in a dream - and then i am attentive again (until the next losing)
This same sequence occurs every day. In fact my whole life displays this sequence. i'm lost in a dream, i realise i have been lost and become attentive, until the next time i become attentive realising i was lost in a dream.
i have no judgemental-ism about this. (i do sometimes feel sadness at the frequency of it, so i guess some part of me says it shouldn't be) but mainly i understand it to be just 'the way it is' and allow it (i really have no choice anyway)
hmmm, Peter Marjason says it beautifully, powerfully, succinctly - no choice.
i do, i don't do
i watch it all then accept
i do, i don't do.
i do not experience myself as free. Does this mean that i have not fulfilled all of the above ?
i imagine that i have, but the evidence says i haven't.
But still there is nothing to do.
Surrender to 'what is' sounds like doing. Is allowing a doing ?
Is accepting a doing ?
If i change from resisting to allowing, am i doing something?
If i change from not attending to allowing attention... (can i make attention or only intend it ?)
When i meditate (what i call meditation) i intend to keep attentive but become aware that i was lost in a dream - and then i am attentive again (until the next losing)
This same sequence occurs every day. In fact my whole life displays this sequence. i'm lost in a dream, i realise i have been lost and become attentive, until the next time i become attentive realising i was lost in a dream.
i have no judgemental-ism about this. (i do sometimes feel sadness at the frequency of it, so i guess some part of me says it shouldn't be) but mainly i understand it to be just 'the way it is' and allow it (i really have no choice anyway)
hmmm, Peter Marjason says it beautifully, powerfully, succinctly - no choice.
i do, i don't do
i watch it all then accept
i do, i don't do.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
it seems to me (who?)...
it seems to me that there IS an experience of a mind/body called i, but that for the enlightened one (pun intended) that identification with the i doesn't happen. (of course this is just conjecture - this i playing with concepts)
i wonder, am i identifying when i am lost in emotion ?
i have no sense of i then. i am the emotion, or more accurately i am the expression of the emotion. Although there is no awareness of an i while this is happening, it couldn't be said that enlightenment is. Exactly the opposite seems to be the case. (does enlightenment have an opposite ? grin...)
Something has to happen to this mind/body for enlightenment to be.
i (who ?) might not be i after the happening but i still exist except that i (who ?) won't identify with i anymore. (can some not i out there confirm that this concept has some validity - even if who (not i ) cares.
is this me called i
really not actually me
who knows, who does care
i wonder, am i identifying when i am lost in emotion ?
i have no sense of i then. i am the emotion, or more accurately i am the expression of the emotion. Although there is no awareness of an i while this is happening, it couldn't be said that enlightenment is. Exactly the opposite seems to be the case. (does enlightenment have an opposite ? grin...)
Something has to happen to this mind/body for enlightenment to be.
i (who ?) might not be i after the happening but i still exist except that i (who ?) won't identify with i anymore. (can some not i out there confirm that this concept has some validity - even if who (not i ) cares.
is this me called i
really not actually me
who knows, who does care
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
giving up the search
Believing that there is nothing i can DO to transcend my current state of 'awakeness' - if i stop thinking about it (hah!), will it ever 'happen'?
My mind says i have to, at least intend to 'get there'
i tell people that i live in heaven now. i have an idyllic lifestyle. live in a beautiful setting. no financial worries (modest but sustainable) happy most of the time (can't remember the last time i felt depressed, probably a couple of years ago) good relationship with wife and family, but have broken out in a skin problem that i'm sure is triggered by my unconscious mind.
Is this related to my 'search' ?
Certainly this 'condition' belies the above statement about being happy (logically)
i had this 45 years ago when i was 'trapped' in an unhappy job (in the navy)
i do believe that even if environmental influences are involved that they would only be the means whereby this mind/body expresses whatever it is experiencing.
If i turn my back on enlightenment, would it heal up ?
i guess i won't find out. (even if it did heal there is no certainty that it would be related to 'giving up'
wonderful mystery
the way things work for people
enjoy the questions.
My mind says i have to, at least intend to 'get there'
i tell people that i live in heaven now. i have an idyllic lifestyle. live in a beautiful setting. no financial worries (modest but sustainable) happy most of the time (can't remember the last time i felt depressed, probably a couple of years ago) good relationship with wife and family, but have broken out in a skin problem that i'm sure is triggered by my unconscious mind.
Is this related to my 'search' ?
Certainly this 'condition' belies the above statement about being happy (logically)
i had this 45 years ago when i was 'trapped' in an unhappy job (in the navy)
i do believe that even if environmental influences are involved that they would only be the means whereby this mind/body expresses whatever it is experiencing.
If i turn my back on enlightenment, would it heal up ?
i guess i won't find out. (even if it did heal there is no certainty that it would be related to 'giving up'
wonderful mystery
the way things work for people
enjoy the questions.
Monday, January 24, 2011
what drivel will dribble tonight ?
i don't mean to disparage these outpourings, just to point out their inherent meaninglessness.
they are not going to change anything. they won't bring me to 'that moment' any quicker. They can only add to the story of me.
If i feel any better because of them, that is a moment of pleasurable sensation (about 70 seconds before the effects of the pleasure hormone wears off) The pleasure is because of my reaction to what i think about it. But after it wears off i will look for the next thing to feel good about. i can probably get a few hits from my memory of it.
So why rave ?
hmm, the advaidic answer would be " raving happens" which is probably more likely to be true in a mind/body that has memories of a lot of raving.
Oh, and i do enjoy that 70 seconds of pleasure.
create it with thoughts
or use steel and masonry
pleasure lasts the same
they are not going to change anything. they won't bring me to 'that moment' any quicker. They can only add to the story of me.
If i feel any better because of them, that is a moment of pleasurable sensation (about 70 seconds before the effects of the pleasure hormone wears off) The pleasure is because of my reaction to what i think about it. But after it wears off i will look for the next thing to feel good about. i can probably get a few hits from my memory of it.
So why rave ?
hmm, the advaidic answer would be " raving happens" which is probably more likely to be true in a mind/body that has memories of a lot of raving.
Oh, and i do enjoy that 70 seconds of pleasure.
create it with thoughts
or use steel and masonry
pleasure lasts the same
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
let the drivel run.
i come with nothing to say,
but saying will be said.
i said.
or was it consciousness that said it - through me.
if all my thoughts are consciousness talking...
it sure talks a lot of shit.
but then why wouldn't it talk a lot of shit?
Shit might need saying as much a something very important.
Maybe consciousness holds shit as very important.
Maybe it's not what is said that is important but the saying.
or maybe the not saying between the saying is where the rainbow ends.
but saying will be said.
i said.
or was it consciousness that said it - through me.
if all my thoughts are consciousness talking...
it sure talks a lot of shit.
but then why wouldn't it talk a lot of shit?
Shit might need saying as much a something very important.
Maybe consciousness holds shit as very important.
Maybe it's not what is said that is important but the saying.
or maybe the not saying between the saying is where the rainbow ends.
Monday, January 17, 2011
and i wait.
Oh, i suppose i should say something, at least occasionally.
seeking is still happening, albeit in a quieter, calmer way now.
knowing that doing won't lead to freedom.
knowing that there's nothing to be done means i just wait.
Wait for the moment when there is no i doing the waiting.
knowing that there is no time during which to wait.
knowing that everybody and everything else, everything that i react to, is just a line in the script of the movie that i wrote, produced and directed, and starred in.
knowing that and i wait - because i can't do anything else.
and i wait, because
i can't do anything else
oh my sweet waiting.
seeking is still happening, albeit in a quieter, calmer way now.
knowing that doing won't lead to freedom.
knowing that there's nothing to be done means i just wait.
Wait for the moment when there is no i doing the waiting.
knowing that there is no time during which to wait.
knowing that everybody and everything else, everything that i react to, is just a line in the script of the movie that i wrote, produced and directed, and starred in.
knowing that and i wait - because i can't do anything else.
and i wait, because
i can't do anything else
oh my sweet waiting.
Monday, January 3, 2011
the new year came and went....
The new year came and went - and it's still now.
Are my memories about my experiences last year, even if they are accurate, really contributing to my ideas about who i am ?
What about my intentions for the coming year ? Do they define me ? Surely they say something about the kind of person i am ?
But what if i am not really a person ? if the person i am is in fact simply memories (thoughts) of a collection of past thoughts about a concept i call self (me, i) ?
This takes time out of the equation.
What i am is my current experience. Or more accurately the experiencing that is currently happening thinks it is me.
put the mind away
it thinks that it is someone
see reality
Are my memories about my experiences last year, even if they are accurate, really contributing to my ideas about who i am ?
What about my intentions for the coming year ? Do they define me ? Surely they say something about the kind of person i am ?
But what if i am not really a person ? if the person i am is in fact simply memories (thoughts) of a collection of past thoughts about a concept i call self (me, i) ?
This takes time out of the equation.
What i am is my current experience. Or more accurately the experiencing that is currently happening thinks it is me.
put the mind away
it thinks that it is someone
see reality
Saturday, December 25, 2010
merry christmas
every time somebody says "merry xmas" i think "yes and a merry or rather happy rest of your life to you and yours, and everybody else in the world too".
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.
all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...
but i usually don't say it. only sometimes.
but i do wish me and all the rest of me (that's you and the rock and the tree and the polar bears) a pleasant infinity.
all i want for christmas is
to wake up IN the dream
my lifes' completion
then the storys' prologue...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
i haven't been asleep (but i haven't woken up either)
some "movement" for some shift in understanding (all mind stuff with physical attributes) has occurred.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.
puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."
Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."
Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)
what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done
when i notice it.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.
puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."
Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."
Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)
what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done
when i notice it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
just a catch up
not much is happening. i'm still on the outside of the gateless gate.
i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)
the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.
some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.
there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day
i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)
the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.
some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.
there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
i'm still asking
i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself'
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)
now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'
there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)
now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'
there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What is it that is keeping you from waking up ?
Ask yourself "What is it that is keeping me from waking up ?" Jan Frazier
She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)
i asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.
She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)
i asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
you are already at your destination
Buddha said: 'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.' There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."
Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate
Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.
Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.
Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate
Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.
Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit!
There is awareness here now. Let everything be as it is, and stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit! Let it be. This is absolute liberation. Stephen Wingate
Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me.
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.
i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?
Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me.
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.
i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Your default setting
Your default setting is wisdom and peace.
The only thing that ever covers over your experience of spaciousness and peace, in any moment, is believed thought. Vince Flammini
language and ownership
Looking closely reveals that the "my" is tacked on after the thought or feeling arises. It's not really "my" thought or feeling, it's just thoughts and feelings. It's unbelievable what a difference there is between "I am miserable" and "sensations of misery are present here." Without the automatic, unconscious ownership of mind stuff, it becomes quite benign.
Friday, October 15, 2010
i had a relationship then i didn't...
a friend of mine (is that a relationship?) recently ceased having a romantic relationship.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.
There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?
Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....
summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.
There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?
Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....
summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.
"am" is...
the sounds of frogs are still there.
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
the frogs and the thought.
the frogs, this spring night
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Relaxing back into the hammock of Being.
living the life of accepting responsibility for what occurs, being relaxed and welcoming to every situation and there seems to be a supporting bed of knowing vaguely in the background.
what is, already is.
so may as well accept it.
watching it is best.
what is, already is.
so may as well accept it.
watching it is best.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
This is probably the best description of .... that i have read yet.
There Is No Experience Of Pure Awareness
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Find what "I" is pointing to.
Find what “I” is pointing to. It resolves everything. I can’t tell you how to do it. You just have to look. Annette Nibley
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Gradually, you’ll stop listening,
you will remember that when the mind beckons and you follow, you lose. Gradually, you’ll stop listening, and that is freedom. Annette Nibley
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
If "feeling like a person" is arising...
If "feeling like a person" is arising, so be it. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean that there IS a separate person. Feelings arise, just like everything else, and have no more "truth" in them than the blackberry bush, for example. Mary McGovern
There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)
Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.
There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)
Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Oneness is ALL (and none)
There is no way to "leave" or be "other than" WHAT IS. Mary McGovern
This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing.
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)
i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too
This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing.
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)
i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too
Monday, October 4, 2010
when is compassion really ego?
i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !
i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.
Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?
Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?
Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.
Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.
So, was i strengthening the story of me ?
Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)
Was it also something else ?
Yes, but i'm not sure just what.
It was happening and that means just that. It was happening.
please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.
It was happening and that means just that. It was happening.
please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.
you're not doing it.
Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done;
the key is: you're not doing it. Suzanne Foxton
i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'.
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening.
it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.
the key is: you're not doing it. Suzanne Foxton
i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'.
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening.
it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
nothing exists except life wanting to be
Nothing exists except life wanting to be. Suzanne Foxton
the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...
appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.
the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...
appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.
Friday, October 1, 2010
doing effortless doing ???
Self shining presence-awareness is not the result of effort. Bob Adamson
Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.
what's the doing you do
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?
Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.
what's the doing you do
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
a subtle-yet-undeniable peace
If your pause is relaxed and significant enough, you will immediately discern a subtle-yet-undeniable peace and spaciousness from which manifest-existence arises. Rodney Stevens
Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)
a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness
Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)
a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness
coming home...
Some equanimity has returned... the going with 'the flow' is back today. A sense of peace but also some excitement to be 'on the verge'.
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)
not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)
not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high
another day and still seeking
Another day and with the main focus on this mind and this identity but still trapped in duality. As the mood swings down it seems harder to 'just flow'.
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.
tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.
tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
ha! it's still there...
after a phone call to my mum this morning (she is sick and lonely and 1500km from where i am) frustration expressed itself as anger (towards her and my brother)
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.
knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.
knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace
Monday, September 27, 2010
yesterday at Bobs
i went back to Bobs yesterday for the Sunday meeting. i wasn't going to go, but after attending a computer market i found myself half way there and at the right time. No decision - circumstances said go. So i did.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.
i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)
when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.
i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)
when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.
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