the ocean of me

i like the analogy of the ocean being a metaphor for consciousness (all that is) and a wave as a temporary manifestation of the whole being a metaphor for individual people (or souls).
i am sleeping in a caravan in Melbourne at the moment and each morning i wake to the sound of surf, which is strange as the nearest ocean is 70 kilometers away. Then i realised that it was the sound of the freeway which was only 1 km away.
My first reaction was to feel ripped off as the sound of surf is a 'good' sound and the sound of cars is a 'bad' sound. That was until i remembered that the difference between them isn't 'out there', it is in my mind.
Further to that, remembering that each car had at least 1 person in it and the total that made up the sound of surf is beyond my comprehension (i'm guessing hundreds of thousands) and they are really all me. (phew!)
This has been a bit of a theme for me since i have been here in Melbourne. The other day we drove to the bay (about 20 km), it took an hour and we never left the suburbs. Yesterday, i was having my morning poop and as i wiped my bum i flashed with awe on the fact that each day i wipe my bum 21 million times and that is just in Australia.

Each car is a wave
in the ocean of me.
Making sounds of surf

i can't give up - i can't not give up.

i can't give up the search, or more accurately i can't give up the wanting to attain liberation (the advaita cops will get me for that phraseology )
i can't choose what i want to want, or more accurately i can't choose to not want.
Just like i can't choose what my next thought will be.


i can not give up
the wanting to know reality
though it doesn't help

I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.

Buddha said:  'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.'  There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."

Maybe he (before realisation) obtained understanding, and post realisation knew the he from before was an illusion. So the emphasis was on the 'I' not obtaining.

i only think that
i am I until I dies
then i am not i

more ramblings...

what i imagine is that when itching arises, that the compulsion to scratch that arises will simply be observed and then casually dismissed as "inappropriate" to act on. That there won't be scratching as an outcome.
Currently, scratching almost always ensues.
what i imagine is that Seeing, when it is present (which i assume will be constant) contributes a space which allows intelligence (as opposed to emotional) reactions to occur.
what i believe is that both the above imaginings are just concepts.
what i imagine is that this existence only has 'reality' from inside this existence.
what i imagine is that when I 'wake up' that i will be in another existence that includes this one, and that this one will be 'seen' as a minor part of that new (to me/who?) existence and that from that perspective "i" will be seen as a figment of the imagination of the "i" that i imagine myself to be now.

i am so confused
about just who is confused
confusion's ok

a different kind of 'doing'

Abandon every attempt, just be; don't strive, don't struggle, let go every support, hold on to the blind sense of being, brushing off all else. This is enough. Nisargadatta Maharaj

You cannot control your way to freedom. You cannot concentrate your way to heaven. If you want to find it, see that the very idea of "someone who is in control" is a concept created by the mind, and lay it down. Don't touch it. If you touch it, it will bite you. Surrender is the ticket, and there is nowhere to get to. carson boyd

This is a different kind of 'doing'

Doing the 'not doing'.

Because of the habit of 'doing', an attentiveness (is that 'doing'?) is required until the habit of 'doing' is transformed into a habit of accepting everything that occurs with me. (is accepting 'doing'?) By habit i mean the spontaneous reaction. By reaction i mean action in response to... (hmm, i wonder, does an enlightened being react or just act ? If they see everything and everybody as themselves then i guess it is all just action. But then again, action implies a 'doing' which is (maybe) a contradiction to just 'being'. Oh, i don't know!)

i believe 'not knowing'

is a good place to reside

i'll just leave it there.

immense earnestness

For this [seeking Reality], you need a well-ordered and quiet life, peace of mind and immense earnestness. At every moment whatever comes to you unasked, comes from God and will surely help you, if you make the fullest use of it. It is only what you strive for, out of your own imagination and desire, that gives you trouble. Nisargadatta Maharaj
How does intent to reach 'self realisation' and immense earnestness manifest ?
If i keep intent alive and current, is that earnestness ?

if i want a lot
and keep the interest alive
is that earnestness ?

i thought i had paid for entry...

When you have allowed, attended and understood what seems to be within, you are freed. Katie Davis
i do not experience myself as free. Does this mean that i have not fulfilled all of the above ?
i imagine that i have, but the evidence says i haven't.
But still there is nothing to do.
Surrender to 'what is' sounds like doing. Is allowing a doing ?
Is accepting a doing ?
If i change from resisting to allowing, am i doing something?
If i change from not attending to allowing attention... (can i make attention or only intend it ?)
When i meditate (what i call meditation) i intend to keep attentive but become aware that i was lost in a dream - and then i am attentive again (until the next losing)
This same sequence occurs every day. In fact my whole life displays this sequence. i'm lost in a dream, i realise i have been lost and become attentive, until the next time i become attentive realising i was lost in a dream.
i have no judgemental-ism about this. (i do sometimes feel sadness at the frequency of it, so i guess some part of me says it shouldn't be) but  mainly i understand it to be just 'the way it is' and allow it (i really have no choice anyway)
hmmm, Peter Marjason says it beautifully, powerfully, succinctly - no choice.

i do, i don't do
i watch it all then accept
i do, i don't do.

it seems to me (who?)...

it seems to me that there IS an experience of a mind/body called i, but that for the enlightened one (pun intended) that identification with the i doesn't happen. (of course this is just conjecture - this i playing with concepts)
i wonder, am i identifying when i am lost in emotion ?
i have no sense of i then. i am the emotion, or more accurately i am the expression of the emotion. Although there is no awareness of an i while this is happening, it couldn't be said that enlightenment is. Exactly the opposite seems to be the case. (does enlightenment have an opposite ? grin...)
Something has to happen to this mind/body for enlightenment to be.
i (who ?) might not be i after the happening but i still exist except that i (who ?) won't identify with i anymore. (can some not i out there confirm that this concept has some validity  - even if who (not i ) cares.

is this me called i
really not actually me
who knows, who does care

ho hum...

i waken enough
 to know that i am asleep
   still, the dream goes on.