This is probably the best description of .... that i have read yet.

There Is No Experience Of Pure Awareness
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley

Find what "I" is pointing to.

Find what “I” is pointing to. It resolves everything. I can’t tell you how to do it. You just have to look. Annette Nibley

Gradually, you’ll stop listening,

you will remember that when the mind beckons and you follow, you lose. Gradually, you’ll stop listening, and that is freedom. Annette Nibley

If "feeling like a person" is arising...

If "feeling like a person" is arising, so be it. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean that there IS a separate person. Feelings arise, just like everything else, and have no more "truth" in them than the blackberry bush, for example. Mary McGovern


There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)


Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.

Oneness is ALL (and none)

There is no way to "leave" or be "other than" WHAT IS. Mary McGovern


This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing. 
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)


i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !

i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.

Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?

Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?

Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.

Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.

So, was i strengthening the story of me ? 

Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)

Was it also something else ?

Yes, but i'm not sure just what.


It was happening and that means just that. It was happening. 


please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.

you're not doing it.

Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done; 
the key is: you're not doing it.  Suzanne Foxton


i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'. 
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening. 


it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.

nothing exists except life wanting to be

Nothing exists except life wanting to be. Suzanne Foxton

the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...

appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.

doing effortless doing ???

Self shining presence-awareness is not the result of effort. Bob Adamson

Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.

what's the doing you do 
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?

a subtle-yet-undeniable peace

If your pause is relaxed and significant enough, you will immediately discern a subtle-yet-undeniable peace and spaciousness from which manifest-existence arises.  Rodney Stevens


Some inklings of this have occurred, but i told myself that they were just experience so can't be "that".
i suppose that they could be pointers to "that".
Either way i took them to be encouragement.
Oh, and by the way. A couple of posts ago i said i had stopped seeking, well i realised tonight that desiring still continues but seeking through concepts had stopped. i.e. i am no longer looking for a new way to achieve 'liberation'. i do still play with (observe with a kind of detached humour) this mind (thoughts) and body (emotions), but what else can i do ? (or not do)


a momentary
feeling of falling backwards
heralds peacefulness

coming home...

Some equanimity has returned... the going with 'the flow' is back today. A sense of peace but also some excitement to be 'on the verge'.
Reading Roy Townsend's "about me" page (again), I was overwhelmed with an emotion that i can only describe as tearful joy with being almost 'home'. It came over me with the line " Immediately there was a resonance. I read on until, as Ramesh calls it, an "intuitive apperception" occurred. I had realized my true self."
For a couple of years now, i have been brought to (joyful) tears when a re-uniting has taken place. People finding each other (adopted kids finding parents is the most common occurrence )
Somewhere inside i 'know' that i am coming home (i'm getting tearful just writing this)


not lost, but not home
knowing that it is so close
leaves me feeling high

another day and still seeking

Another day and with the main focus on this mind and this identity but still trapped in duality. As the mood swings down it seems harder to 'just flow'.
My wife says i have withdrawn from her and seem distant. Am i so preoccupied with 'the quest' that i miss the point of living in the now ?
Melbourne weather doesn't help. Melbourne pollution is getting up my nose (literally)
It's hard but probably the best thing to do is to keep this whole thing to myself and 'do' it privately. Words may dilute it.

tell somebody about it
and their reaction is bound
to strengthen ego

ha! it's still there...

after a phone call to my mum this morning (she is sick and lonely and 1500km from where i am) frustration expressed itself as anger (towards her and my brother)
This time it didn't feel hollow.
My reaction to my explosion was pretty ordinary in that there was no humour (as there has been for the recent angers (that did feel hollow))
I did manage to ask myself "who is feeling this?" but it was like i had one leg caught in the quicksand of emotion. Even now (a couple of hours later) there is a feeling of still being (a little) covered by the fog of it.
The situation has no answer (that will make everybody happy) at the 'normal' level.
i know that my participation in it should, has, will be to 'allow' whatever.
How did this help me ?
By showing me what i intellectually knew that there is still unconscious stuff keeping me locked in mind.


knowing that my thoughts
are the prison of my mind
the key to release is peace

yesterday at Bobs

i went back to Bobs yesterday for the Sunday meeting. i wasn't going to go, but after attending a computer market i found myself half way there and at the right time. No decision - circumstances said go. So i did.
i still didn't hear anything new but an hour and a half of focus on this was really  good. There were a couple of times when i had a 'feeling' of knowing.

i am just 'watching' for old conditioning (habits) to emerge as a response to circumstances. This is certainly changing. Even when i do respond with emotion, there is a different feel about it. There isn't the intensity. The emotion seems somehow hollow(er)


when something occurrs
and anger arises in me
now it is hollow.

awake in the night

i woke sometime in the night, happy to contemplate beingness.
i composed a haiku, believing i would remember it this morning.
now i can't.

This brings up the question for me 'what is remembering?'
the word implies to rejoin a severed member (limb)
to bring it back into memory. to make it a present thought. to massage the mind.
Knowing that it is somewhere but not in the conscious mind opens up the mind to awareness of not mind. Hmm...
is it in unconscious mind or is it further, deeper... ?


pull it from a dream
knowing it was there but not
re-membering it

honesty

Perhaps you understand this intellectually, but are
unable to use it. If this is the case, you may not be
looking at yourself honestly, truthfully, or with a deep
enough desire to let go of your limitations. Lester Levenson


i'm sure the desire is there (although this mind could fool me here too)
 so can only assume that this mind is fooling with the truth or honesty.
maybe going back to the original enquiry "who am i?" and check for honesty.

desire for the truth
honestly facing ego
should open me up

Being consciously aware of being conscious while the various activities of mind go on is a key element. Gilbert Schultz

this mind experiences being conscious of itself about 50% of the time. The rest of the time it is 'lost' in the content of itself.

Once you know who you are you cease to believe in who you currently think you are and you will then be dealing in reality. And, then your whole understanding will re-align itself in truth, instead of illusion. Roy Townsend

i must be still believing some reality to the i that i thought i was.The one i thought i had seen through. i really believe that i don't know who i am. That this mind is capable of fooling itself into believing anything (probably a survival technique)

But still only vague impressions of reality. (indeed my mind could  be feeding these to me to keep me quiet)

here, lost, who am i?
am i the i that i think?
clearly not, you fool!

no longer seeking

interestingly Bob referred to those 'self realised' people as those that were no longer seeking.
Well, although i am not 'self realised', i am no longer seeking. The meeting tonight left me with the distinct impression that there are no more questions i need to ask.
Now it's just the interesting game of continuing to do what is in front of me while noticing the old habits of emotional reaction as they arise.
i am content to reside in the 'now' of events.
i may or may not get 'cooked' but it is out of my control. I am willing, i am hopeful, i am accepting of whatever eventuates. If nothing changes from where i currently am, then life is still very good.

here, now, life is good.
come springtime and knowing is,
i'll still chop the wood.

portals

Emptiness can never be emptied of emptiness, nor can it be filled by emptiness. With that concept cancelled out, only the wordless thoughtless indescribable emptiness remains. Sailor Bob

I think that this is a portal.

My mind turns inside out trying to encompass this one. The fullness (excuse the pun) or completeness of this concept overflows to beyond concept. It's a touch more than reason.

Mark (last night at Sailor Bobs) touched on another portal for me.

(if i can drag it back from it's dream like place) He mentioned acceptance and the fact that (although acceptance is not the issue and is part of duality) acceptance can only be (exist) on the canvas of awareness. (my paraphrase)

or the image of acceptance can only be in the mirror of knowing.

Trust the knowing is there. Now relax and it will show itself through the fog of thoughts.

how easily i
tumble into the vortex
of thought. Just watch it.

the subtlety

The subtlety of the space between thoughts...
the fragility of the mindless place...
the narrowness of the portal to emptiness...
the fullness of the heart welcoming...
the inclusion of the gathering in of vital energy...
the collection of the focus of calmness...

the letting of 'what is' just be...

abide in peacefulness.