Special-ness

Feeling/believing specialness was once what happened as a result of self approval, which was required because of believing that there was no approval from my father.
Whether it was true or not is irrelevant as the belief existed and the feeling of lack flowed from that.
It was just one chapter in the story of me.
According to my father I was "useless", "lazy", and I deserved the 'clip under the ear' when I didn't come up with the answer to the maths homework he was 'helping' me with.
Looking back, it was always when he was on night shift and he was tired and easily frustrated. He also had no ability to relate to us kids except as an authority figure.
So, how was I special?
It evolved. To start with, what I was good at was reading. I read constantly, averaging a book a day.
It was pure escapism, but it gave me a broad vocabulary and the belief that I was knowledgeable.
This belief evolved into Spirituality in my early 20's.
I tried Christianity (I spent 2 years trying to be a Bahá'í ) but it wasn't special enough.
Next came psychology, particularly the 'new age' versions. This lead to feeling knowledgeable again.
The psychology was an attempt to 'fix' my deficiencies and the crossover into spirituality led to yoga which led to meditation. Always superior to the world full of 'plebs' and 'yobos'.
Guess what realization occurred concurrently with awakening ?

If there is an I,
specialness is implicit.
Now, we are all one.

Fright + thought = Fear

Out of fright comes fear.
What is the difference ?
Fright is physical and happens first.
Fear is fright plus thought.
Fear is a concept.
Fear generates chronic fright (and dis-ease)


i have a feeling.
What might it be, thinking says.
Bogeyman of course!

Ha !, caught a belief last night.

Having just read in the Dalai Llamas' autobiography how the Chinese invasion of Tibet was for their mineral rich mountains which has left the rivers that supply China, Burma, India etc, are all now polluted and the Chinese settlement has removed more than half the forest and killed for the newly arrived meat eaters almost all of the wildlife, Then i saw a FaceBook post by a friend of American fundamental christians saying that atheists should be killed.
Well, my indignation went berserk!
Then it was SEEN.
Phew, it's a big one. i wonder how much it will come back now it is seen.
There is a big - no HUGE energy behind this.
How bad are they ? How good am I ?

Then i read a FB post (by Delma Thassa) this morning on the same issue. Is That Synchronicity ?
She said it well;
"Nothing will change because there will always be the poles that Alan Watts talks about. They're inherent. There's no fixing it, no getting rid of them, just seeing them for what they are."

Whether right or wrong,
it's the same wheel that's spinning.
Wonder-Full watching.

Wondering.

Wondering happens.
Not knowing piques interest.
Oh, how Wonder-Full