i haven't been asleep (but i haven't woken up either)

some "movement" for some shift in understanding (all mind stuff with physical attributes) has occurred.
the clearest "picture" at the moment is the description that Jiddu Krishnamurti painted when he "revealed" his "secret" was that he didn't mind what happened.

Colleen Loehr puts it slightly differently when she says "Consent itself is a bridge from the superficial self to the deeper self. The deeper self is the no-self of aware space or presence. Consent is a bridge from object consciousness to space consciousness (see p. 227 of A New Earth). Consent is a bridge from ego to essence, from knowing to not knowing, from form to formlessness. Consent is the thump of power at the heart of each person. Consent is the inborn vitality that is accessed in any moment we live as a Yes! to life."



Peter Majason (this mans pointers caused a shift in me) says this;
"You must either accept your acceptance 
Or lack of acceptance
Or
Accept your non-acceptance of your
Acceptance or lack of acceptance
Or not."

Me, i can only say "yes", give consent and observe the details of myself doing that (or not)  

what happens, happens.
that is, it's already done 
when i notice it.

back for a visit

back for a visit
i'm still looking from outside
even though it's in.

just a catch up

not much is happening.  i'm still on the outside of the gateless gate.

i gave up on finding the underlying cause of my hands and got the doc to prescribe some steroid tabs which is already clearing it up (2 days)

the enthusiasm for reading pointers and blogs has waned for the moment.
meditation once or twice a week now.

some mindless tractor work is in order. very enjoyable.

there's times when you're up
and then there's times when you're down
just like night and day

i'm still asking

i am looking but can't see any fear . i don't seem to have any desire (or need) to protect an image of 'myself' 
But even as i type this line i am compelled to scratch fingers itching with dermatitis.
The sensations from scratching is ecstasy even knowing that the end result is a weeping bloody wound. Another ecstasy is to run really hot water over the hands, increasing the temperature until just unbearable. Oh, bliss. sick isn't it. This mind reasons that there is obviously something so terrible that i can't face it, something that is expressing itself through physical manifestations in the form of eczema.
It is like i am trying to scrub the skin of the back of my fingers and thumbs. (that is what it looks like)

now it's 2 days later and i haven't been able to finish this. i have had no insight into what this is an expression of. Hoping to have one now as i type this...
nothing,,,
now it's 9 days later and the condition is the same.
i heard a saying during the week that resonated a bit. it was that somebody was so scared that they almost jumped out of their skin. i imagine like the reaction to a menacing jack in the box. couldn't relate to that . Oh well, just keep watchin'

there is still asking
the question of resistance.
'cant see an answer.