What is it that is keeping you from waking up ?

Ask yourself "What is it that is keeping me from waking up ?" Jan Frazier

She goes on to say that it will be simple and deep, that the loss of it will be probably threatening to 'me', my identity.
i have done this but received no answer, so am doing it again here (hoping for an automatic writing (typing) response.
"what is it ?" then just type... WHAT is it ??, what IS it ?? what is IT??? my first reaction is to say that i AM willing, brave, insightful so it should happen, but then reason that this ego is very cunning and so just returns silence. That way there is nothing for me to dismiss. i fully believe that i have no vested interest in maintaining a 'me' but logic says otherwise or i would be already 'awake'
i don't believe that the 'outer me' will change so much as to threaten family. In fact they will most probably say "yeah, yeah, so what's changed, you're still the weirdo you always were..." so there is no threat there and that is the only reason to maintain some continuity with the 'old me'
"What is IT???" - no response, so i will just go on with my day and try to keep that question alive (and the alertness to a possible answer)

i   asked "What is it"?
"that keeps me from waking up"?
fear that i will die.

you are already at your destination

Buddha said:  'I truly obtained nothing from Enlightenment.'  There is just a mysterious tacit understanding and no more."

Purchase a ticket to peace, love & contentment on the train called mind.
It's a fraud. Enjoy the ride, that's fine, just don't believe it will take you there.
Why? Because you are already there. No matter how long the train goes for, you are still there. (paraphrased) Stephen Wingate

Everything you experience is mind. What you seek you already have. It is presence. It is what is aware of anything/everything. What is aware of thought? It is presence.
What is aware of awareness? It is presence. What you seek is presence awareness.
You already have it. Be aware of it. But realise that the awareness is not it. That is just more mind.

Hmm, might as well just
kickback and enjoy the ride
this sunny spring day.

stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit!

There is awareness here now. Let everything be as it is, and stop trying to change dog shit into cat shit! Let it be. This is absolute liberation. Stephen Wingate


Phew! This man puts it bluntly and clearly for me. 
Everything i know or believe is bullshit. it is all conditioning. To know i am living a dream is liberation.
The only thing that is (and it's not a thing) unchanging (and therefore real) is the awareness that does the seeing/feeling/thinking. To do anything to improve (get enlightened) is to (try to) turn dog shit into cat shit. Even just relaxing and enjoying the dream is trying to make cat shit. Nothing to do or not do.


i'm stuffed if i do
i'm still stuffed if i don't do
what's left ? being free?

Your default setting

Your default setting is wisdom and peace. 
The only thing that ever covers over your experience of spaciousness and peace, in any moment, is believed thought. Vince Flammini

language and ownership

Looking closely reveals that the "my" is tacked on after the thought or feeling arises.  It's not really "my" thought or feeling, it's just thoughts and feelings.  It's unbelievable what a difference there is between "I am miserable" and "sensations of misery are present here."  Without the automatic, unconscious ownership of mind stuff, it becomes quite benign. Colleen Loehr

My epiphany here is (phew! i just did it {and again}) that where i thought i was just describing the origins (i, me, my, vince, etc.) i was actually taking ownership. 
Whereas previously this mind (mine) believed that media, particular popular press and especially commercial tv was the cause of much of the suffering because of the unintended (because they think that they are just entertaining) inappropriate education they propagate - i now can see how language (my native language is Australian English) plays a huge part. 
To use Advaita speak just isn't practical in conversing with 'normal' people. It would create problems to be saying things like " this body feels sad because this mind responded to a situation with a thought about how somebody else's mind responded to a loss"

With ownership comes guilt (a twist on responsibility) Guilt is a response to thoughts about behaving as or being an idealised person, usually from being told how we should be.





...more to come on this

i had a relationship then i didn't...

a friend of mine (is that a relationship?) recently ceased having a romantic relationship.
Maybe he will read this and maybe it will point to some 'good stuff' but then again, maybe not.
To say i had a relationship then i didn't maybe socially accurate but certainly isn't accurate in any actual way.
To be more accurate i would say my interpretation of somebody facilitated thinking and emotions that were pleasant (mostly) Part of that was that i presumed that it was reciprocal. Recently my thoughts have led to a diminished experience of pleasure, or an increased sense of displeasure.
What was happening ? Well, i was thinking then i was reacting to my thoughts. That didn't stop but the thinking and the reactions had changed.


There probably is a sense of emptiness that wasn't there before. What is the different thinking that engenders this feeling ?
There may be a degree of loneliness. What is the thinking behind this ?
There may be a different view of self. How have thoughts changed to do this?
Is self more than an accumulation of past thoughts? Is there something more real behind the thoughts that make up the (idea of) self?

Undoubtedly i exist! i have a body but that is not me (i also have a car which is more obviously not me) i have a mind, which like the body is not me (if i "change my mind" would i be a different me?)
Thoughts arise (from somewhere) and actions happen (caused??)
What is my part in this ?
i have to be really quiet and vigilant (watching thoughts and the reactions to them) if i hope to answer this....

summer is coming
will it be new or repeats
watching now, today.

"am" is...

the sounds of frogs are still there.
the sense ation of thoughts are still there.
i am still somewhere/nowhere.
'am' is the only word in the line above that is true/real/actual/something...

the frogs and the thought.

the frogs, this spring night
chorusing inside this head.
is this thought a frog?

the ego story

wash the ego coat
keep what does the job okay.
watch it like a child

Relaxing back into the hammock of Being.

living the life of accepting responsibility for what occurs, being relaxed and welcoming to every situation and there seems to be a supporting bed of knowing vaguely in the background.

what is, already is.
so may as well accept it.
watching it is best.

This is probably the best description of .... that i have read yet.

There Is No Experience Of Pure Awareness
It is often asked: “Why aren’t I having the experience of pure awareness?”
You might hear in response, “There is no one to experience anything.” That is true in absolute terms, but we all know full well there is some experience happening, so we may as well talk about it.
The important thing to remember is that we are not talking about having a mystical or blissful experience. The experience of being a human being in a body continues just as before, and while bliss and mystical feelings may pass through from time to time, this is not what is being pointed to.
What is being pointed to is the fact that…well, you’ve heard it all before: there is no separate person, no separation at all; there is only this impersonal, un-owned consciousness, which is peaceful, eternal, never changes, and needs nothing. It is always here right now, and it is what you are.
But this is not something that you experience! If you can get it out of your head that you are looking to have a particular experience, you can allow for what’s really going on to reveal itself. But you’re blocking out the possibility of seeing what’s real about you by insisting that it has to be an experience. It’s not.
The truth is happening behind the scenes of your human experience – hidden in plain sight, you might say. The experience of being a human with a body goes on exactly as before. But that is not to say that it does not go through some interesting changes. It does change. Your thought patterns will change, and your actions will change. The whole experience as a person does change.
For example, let’s say I have the thought, “I really have to call Terry because…,” and of course there are a million reasons why I have to call Terry, and they all have to do with me thinking I am a separate person who is vulnerable and needs to control all aspects of the life. But the thing is, I don’t want to call Terry.
So in the meanwhile, I followed some sagely advice and did some self-inquiry, and I discovered that I am not a separate person. That had some consequences: now that I know I am not a separate person, and there is just this impersonal consciousness, which is fine right now and needs nothing, I see that I don’t have to call Terry. I don’t have to do anything in the life to protect my interests ever again! So this time, the calling of Terry doesn’t happen. And then that has consequences. And so it goes.
Sometimes people report losing interest in things they used to like to do. That’s to be expected, since much of what we “like” to do is that which makes us feel safe, in control, loved, accepted, approved of, successful, worthy, impressive, smart, attractive, and so on. When the need to have any of that vanishes – when it is clear that no separate person exists – then the interests of the apparent “person” living a life will change. The thoughts don’t go this way anymore: “What can I do to feel safer and more loved?” Now they go like this: “What do I feel like doing?” And then even that goes, since it is seen there is no doer, no one making those decisions!
So now what happens? You lie on the couch all day? It’s possible, but it’s more likely that the living in the body goes on very closely to what it was like before, but without any sense of obligation, guilt, regret, or urgency. The body is allowed to simply move towards anything, without judgment, and without trying to steer, plan, or control.
The sense of doership diminishes, reinforced by the recognition that nothing falls apart when the “doing” is relinquished. Everything works just fine – better, in fact – when I don’t plan it. The life goes on, but more and more there is just a sense that it is being watched, not planned or decided.
And as it is seen more and more that the life is just being watched, the sense of doership, ownership, and a personal “self” diminishes even more. We may watch and like what the “person” is doing, or we may not like what the “person” is doing. But we know we have no way to fix that, and if we did, we see that it would only have an effect on the person that we are no longer believing in so much. And so the idea of doing or fixing is just given up, after a while.
Seeing that there is nothing to do or fix, pretty soon the experience is just one of being carried along like a leaf down a mountain stream. Effortlessly living, watching the changing scenery, goalless, having no opinion about how it goes, and having no cares at all. We get the distinct sense that nature is just taking care of us, and that there is nothing that can go wrong. The body can get sick, or feel bad, or get hurt feelings, or die, but that is all seen as nature’s way, and nothing to be worried about. All cares are gone.
This is probably the “experience” that people are referring to when they talk about bliss. It can’t really be described as blissful, though, because any separate person who would be having this bliss is just not identified with at all anymore. It is more of a relinquishing of any grasp on this whole “world” and what happens in it.
This doesn’t happen right away. People tell me they are happier than they have ever been, but that it hasn’t really gelled for them yet. Well, this is a start. But it also has to be pointed out that it is a start in a direction that is not where you end up. You don’t end up happier and happier; you end up not interested at all in the world of happy and not happy.
You may find that you couldn’t care less if you are interested in the world or not. Who cares? The life may go completely off the rails! Who cares! So you just have to watch and see what happens. You can’t predict where it will go. It’s all unexpected, surprising. You won’t believe how little you will care about your “self.”
But let it unfold in its own time. You can’t force the disintegration of belief in the person. It all starts with the inquiry – am I really this person? The recognition that you are not a person is slight at first, and then cascades by reinforcement through your experience.
Pretty soon the recognition is greater, but still experienced as a conceptual understanding that you are not a person. But before long, there is nothing left to have an experience – you’ve stopped feeding it, and it died! And what is left? Consciousness, which has been here all along. What is in consciousness? Nothing. There is the witnessing of a life unfolding, but you aren’t in it, you are it – you are that life, that consciousness, that witnessing – you are all of it.
This is not what you will experience, however. The experience still feels like being human, probably until the body dies, is my guess. But there is an in-the-background knowing that there is only this consciousness, and that knowing gradually informs the activity of the life. The life stops striving. The life stops suffering. The life stops seeking.
But do you stop seeking? You never were seeking in the first place! There never was a seeker, there never was a separate you. This is the paradox. Don’t try to grasp it. It’s not a job for the mind. It's not a job for the human being.
Just inquire and see if there is really a separate “you,” and see if you can find anything other than this consciousness. This is available for the seeing, right now. Nothing more is needed to learn. Just look now and see: What is here right now? Just consciousness.
And yet, here is this human experience, being had, apparently. It’s okay.
Annette Nibley

Find what "I" is pointing to.

Find what “I” is pointing to. It resolves everything. I can’t tell you how to do it. You just have to look. Annette Nibley

Gradually, you’ll stop listening,

you will remember that when the mind beckons and you follow, you lose. Gradually, you’ll stop listening, and that is freedom. Annette Nibley

If "feeling like a person" is arising...

If "feeling like a person" is arising, so be it. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean that there IS a separate person. Feelings arise, just like everything else, and have no more "truth" in them than the blackberry bush, for example. Mary McGovern


There has been a shift to looking for the subtle feeling that heralds something like watching - a portal to knowing??
If it's always there then it's finding that might occur in the midst of life as it happens.
Mary's pointing to 'always here' really resonates for me (who?)


Sensations arise.
It means that i am feeling.
Nothing more, you see.

Oneness is ALL (and none)

There is no way to "leave" or be "other than" WHAT IS. Mary McGovern


This less than complete perception of reality is just an aspect of ALL - that is logical.
i must still have a 'story' or belief running to experience this limited perception...
Part of that story is no doubt "i must still have a 'story' or belief running..."
Another part of that story is that i don't want to have a story running.
i can see most of the story, which is also part of the story.
The story doesn't need killing, it doesn't even need seeing. 
Just allowing it with a full appreciation of this everlasting NOW... , except part of the story is that i keep forgetting that and keep getting sucked back into the content of thinking. At least that is how it has been in the past (my memory thoughts)


i know that i know
i just don't know knowing all
even though i know that too

when is compassion really ego?

i visited a cousin, a friend today on the way back from Melbourne. i dearly love her and the fact that she has been through two strokes and a heart attack caused my heart to go out to help her. Of course, i wanted to tell her about Advaita and that her circumstances were a treasure because of the wake up call it was. i was also able to give her a copy of the audiobook My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte-Tailor. There was also the experience while having the stroke of being unable to verbalize (even mentally) letters or numbers but KNEW that they were letters and numbers. Her AWARENESS of KNOWING that was outside of thought was an invaluable pointer if not a portal !

i ached with the want to make her better - better than the 'normal' that she was before it all happened and the 'normal' she wanted to return to. i wanted for her that which i hadn't realized for myself (who?) yet.

Was i solidifying a sense of i/me ?

Was this my ego puffing itself up with a story ?

Writing this is an excellent way of this mind bringing hidden motivation into the light.

Ever since i can remember i have been a person that (sounds like a story, aye?) experienced empathy to a degree that hurt when ever somebody i liked ( no empathy for people that i didn't approve of - usually nasty people) was suffering.

So, was i strengthening the story of me ? 

Yes. i also have to admit that i like that story as it made me special and a good person, especially compared to those i despised for being bad (a lot less good than i was)

Was it also something else ?

Yes, but i'm not sure just what.


It was happening and that means just that. It was happening. 


please let me help you.
i can feel your suffering.
i want to feel good.

you're not doing it.

Whatever you're doing, that is what is meant to be done; 
the key is: you're not doing it.  Suzanne Foxton


i think she means...
WHO is not doing it ?
Doing is what is happening and the identity (called me) which is only a collection of thoughts takes ownership as a technique to make the i/me more 'real'. 
The doing is happening, the seeing of the doing is happening, the believing (that it is me) is happening, the wanting to be witnessing this from Oneness is happening. 


it's all right to want,
because that is happening.
i want to not want.

nothing exists except life wanting to be

Nothing exists except life wanting to be. Suzanne Foxton

the concept of duality (this 'reality') being an expression (albeit a limited expression) of Oneness is interesting. Interesting in that it gives me comfort and a knowing that whatever my experience is, that it arises from Being. That even with my limited appreciation of 'what is', i am expressing Oneness (and so is everything i perceive). The reality of it is just no more real than the images of reality on TV. (but even they are an expression of Awareness. They have to be or Oneness couldn't be everything and everynothing)
Anyway, relax and enjoy whatever is in my field of experience and maybe at some point...

appreciate now
and nothing, nowhere, notime,
will express itself.

doing effortless doing ???

Self shining presence-awareness is not the result of effort. Bob Adamson

Does attention equal effort?
Does making a decision to realise 'That' then thinking about it every 'conscious' moment equal effort ?
Does reminding oneself (who?) that "i am That" as constantly as the mind allows, does that equal effort ?
Does waiting for the 'now' that will reveal 'That', does that equal effort ?
These things probably don't help any more than being aware of what thoughts are arising when i am tying shoelaces or on the toilet, but they do make this mind make this body feel more satisfied.

what's the doing you do 
when not doing anything ?
is it still doing?